The Real Pain Is Watching It There are movies that are so bad they’re good. Then there’s Vile — a film so aggressively mediocre that it feels less like entertainment and more like punishment administered by a mildly annoyed dentist. Directed (sort of) by Taylor Sheridan — yes, that Taylor Sheridan, the Oscar-nominated writer of … Read More ““Vile” (2011) — Torture Porn So Boring It Hurts for the Wrong Reasons” »
Welcome to the Catacombs, Please Mind the Cannibal There’s a special place in horror movie heaven for films that take a promising premise — in this case, “urban explorers stumble into underground Nazi leftovers and a mad cannibal” — and execute it with just enough insanity, style, and dark humor to make you simultaneously cringe, … Read More ““Urban Explorer” (2011) — Berlin’s Underground Buffet of Bad Decisions” »
Takashi Shimizu Invites You Down the 3D Rabbit Hole If you ever looked at Donnie Darko and thought, “That was cool, but what if it were weirder, more Japanese, and involved a giant demonic rabbit doll who moonlights as a grief counselor?”, Tormented (ラビット・ホラー3D) is the fever dream you didn’t know you needed. Directed by … Read More ““Tormented” (2011) — Alice in Rabbit Hell” »
Welcome to the Longest Panic Attack in Movie History Some horror films rely on jump scares. Others build atmosphere. Silent House (2011), directed by Chris Kentis and Laura Lau, says, “Why not both — but in one continuous nightmare that feels like you’re personally trapped inside it?” This claustrophobic little gem, starring a pre–Marvel Universe … Read More ““Silent House” (2011) — One Take, One Breakdown, and a Thousand Screams” »
Seeing Double, Feeling Trouble Let’s face it — the words “telepathic twin murderers” should immediately earn a film your full attention. Seconds Apart(2011), directed by Antonio Negret, is one of those rare mid-budget horror gems that takes a delightfully bonkers premise and plays it straight, crafting a stylish, sinister, and unexpectedly human thriller about brotherhood, … Read More ““Seconds Apart” (2011) — Two Heads, One Hell of a Time” »
Special Delivery: One Plot Hole, Extra Large Every once in a while, a horror movie comes along that’s so baffling, so devoid of logic, it makes you want to apologize to your brain for watching it. Rosewood Lane (2011), written and directed by Victor Salva, is that kind of movie. This isn’t just bad — … Read More ““Rosewood Lane” (2011) — When the Paperboy Delivers Pure Nonsense” »
Welcome to the River… of Regret There are bad horror movies, and then there’s River of Darkness — a cinematic swamp so murky, not even the ghosts want to haunt it. Directed by Bruce Koehler and starring professional wrestlers Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, and Sid Eudy, this 2011 “film” (a term I use loosely) promises … Read More ““River of Darkness” (2011) — When Wrestlers Try Acting and Everyone Loses” »
Welcome to Blackholme Island, Population: Paranoia If Cast Away, 28 Days Later, and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? had a grim, chain-smoking love child, it would be Retreat — a claustrophobic little gem of a thriller that proves isolation and insanity make a hell of a cocktail. Directed by Carl Tibbetts in his feature debut, … Read More ““Retreat” (2011) — Three’s a Crowd, Especially When One Might Be the Apocalypse” »
Once Upon a Time… in a Dumpster Fire There are fairy tales, and then there are fairy tales that crawl out of a Hot Topic clearance bin wearing eyeliner and begging for attention. Red Riding Hood (2011), directed by Twilight’s Catherine Hardwicke and produced by Leonardo DiCaprio (yes, that Leonardo DiCaprio), is a gothic-romantic-horror-fantasy that … Read More ““Red Riding Hood” (2011) — Fifty Shades of Fur and Poor Decisions” »
A Social Media Cautionary Tale That Forgot the “Caution” Part There are bad movies, and then there are movies that feel like a PowerPoint presentation on the dangers of Facebook, written by someone’s uncle after a few too many lagers. Panic Button (2011), directed by Chris Crowe and marketed as a “British independent horror-thriller,” aims … Read More ““Panic Button” (2011) — Delete Your Account, Delete This Movie” »