Welcome to the End of the World, Please Mind the Uniform Ah, Japan — where apocalypses come in all flavors. Giant monsters, cyberpunk nightmares, psychic children destroying Tokyo for the twentieth time. But in Schoolgirl Apocalypse, writer-director John Cairns brings us a zombie outbreak that’s oddly poetic, savagely weird, and—dare I say—kind of classy. Released … Read More “Schoolgirl Apocalypse (2011): The End of the World Has Never Looked This Stylishly Insane” »
Introduction: Welcome to Ireland, Population: Bird Food There are bad Syfy monster movies, and then there’s Roadkill — a film so gloriously absurd that it circles all the way back to entertaining. Directed by Johannes Roberts (yes, that Johannes Roberts, who went on to make actual, competent horror movies like The Strangers: Prey at Night), … Read More “Roadkill (2011): The Bird is the Word — and That Word is “Ridiculous”” »
The Harvest Is In, and It’s All Garbage Ah, Rites of Spring (2011) — a film that boldly asks, “What if we made two completely different movies and smashed them together with a pitchfork?” Written and directed by Padraig Reynolds, this 80-minute Frankenfilm tries to be both a gritty kidnapping thriller and a rural monster … Read More “Rites of Spring — The Season of Plot Holes and Goat Masks” »
The Horror of Text Messaging: Now in Feature-Length Format Every culture has its own unique cinematic nightmares. The Americans gave us masked killers and possessed dolls. The Japanese gave us The Ring and The Grudge — eerie, sophisticated ghost stories that crawl under your skin and whisper, “Technology will kill you.” And then, in 2011, … Read More “Ring of Curse — Japan’s Apology to Horror Fans Everywhere” »
Disclaimer: No Real Science Was Harmed in the Making of This Film There are bad horror movies, and then there are The Removed (2013), which manages to feel like an entire semester of failed film school compressed into 95 minutes and gassed into submission. Directed by David McElroy, this so-called psychological thriller is about as … Read More “The Removed (a.k.a. After Effect) — A Clinical Trial in Cinematic Torture” »
Flight Q666 to Hell: Please Fasten Your Seatbelts It’s rare that a sequel to a remake manages to out-crazy the original, but Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011) does exactly that. Directed by John Pogue — clearly a man who watched Snakes on a Plane and thought, “But what if they were foaming at the mouth?” — … Read More “Quarantine 2: Terminal — A Rabid Rollercoaster of Airborne Madness (Now with 100% More Rats)” »
When Science Meets Salt Mines, Somebody’s Getting Slashed Let’s be honest — when you hear “Spain’s first horror film shot in 3D”, you probably expect something pretentious, arthouse, and subtitled with existential dread. Paranormal Xperience 3D (2011) is not that movie. Instead, what you get is a gloriously ridiculous supernatural slasher that throws logic, subtlety, … Read More “Paranormal Xperience 3D — Spain’s Glorious, Bloody, Beautifully Dumb Dive into the Afterlife” »
Welcome to Oregon (Population: Confusion) Let’s start with this: The Oregonian (2011) isn’t so much a horror movie as it is a 90-minute concussion. Directed by Calvin Reeder, this “film” (a term I’m using generously) stars Lindsay Pulsipher as an amnesiac woman wandering through what appears to be Oregon, but might also be purgatory, a … Read More “The Oregonian — A Road Trip to Nowhere, Sponsored by Head Trauma” »
Castaway Meets Scooby-Doo, But Everyone’s Brainwashed Let’s start by stating the obvious: Mysterious Island (2011) is a film that should have been called Mysteriously Bad. Directed by Rico Chung, this so-called “Chinese horror blockbuster” proves that with enough shaky cameras, screaming extras, and random explosions, anything can make ten million dollars. Billed as a supernatural … Read More “Mysterious Island — Where Logic Went to Die and Took the Script With It” »
Twilight for People Who Read Sylvia Plath Once There are bad vampire movies, and then there’s The Moth Diaries (2011) — a film that manages to make bloodsuckers, boarding schools, and forbidden lust feel about as dangerous as a chamomile tea party. Directed by Mary Harron (American Psycho), this gothic dud takes a promising concept … Read More “The Moth Diaries — A Gothic Snoozefest That Sucks the Life (and Fun) Out of Vampires” »