Ah, Neighbor — a horror film that dares to ask the question no one was asking: What if American Psycho had a lobotomy, hosted a house party, and forgot to invite any sense of purpose? This 2009 torture flick, written and directed by Robert A. Masciantonio, stars America Olivo as “The Girl,” a nameless, blood-splattered … Read More ““Neighbor” (2009)” »
Ah, Malibu Shark Attack — or as I like to call it, Baywatch vs. The Discount Megalodon. You know you’re in for a cinematic sharknado of nonsense when the movie’s alternate title is “Mega Shark of Malibu”, and even that sounds too dignified for what unspools here. This 2009 Syfy disaster—sorry, “feature”—is the kind of … Read More ““Malibu Shark Attack” (2009)” »
“Zombies, Cigarettes, and Complete Confusion” Let’s start with a confession: Zone of the Dead (or Apocalypse of the Dead, depending on which bargain-bin DVD you accidentally purchased) is the kind of movie that makes you question not only your taste in horror but also your faith in humanity. Directed by two men named Milan — … Read More “Zone of the Dead (2009): When the Apocalypse Looks Like a Weekend in Belgrade” »
“When the Franchise Should’ve Taken a U-Turn” Ah, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead—the movie that boldly asks, “What if Deliverance had a lobotomy and then tried to make The Fugitive?” This third installment of the Wrong Turn franchise proves one universal truth: sometimes, the real horror is realizing someone got paid to write this. … Read More “Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009): The Appalachian Chainsaw Massacre Nobody Asked For” »
“Three Days of Deadly Parenting” Grief is hell, but in Wake Wood, grief also comes with a handy refund policy. “Your daughter died? No worries—bring her back for three days, terms and conditions apply.” Yes, this 2009 Irish horror gem from Hammer Films asks the important questions: What if Pet Sematary were polite, Irish, and … Read More “Wake Wood (2009): A Dead Kid, a Pagan Ritual, and Hammer Horror’s Beautifully Bonkers Comeback” »
“Welcome Home, Please Check Your Sanity at the Door” There’s nothing like a good psychological horror film — the dread, the mystery, the creeping sense that reality is slowly unraveling. The Uninvited (2009) is nothing like a good psychological horror film. It’s more like watching an awkward family reunion where half the guests are dead … Read More “The Uninvited (2009): When Your Dead Sister Has More Personality Than the Script” »
“Profiling a Serial Killer, One Cliché at a Time” There are bad thrillers, and then there’s Two:Thirteen—a film so utterly mediocre it makes CSI: Topeka look like Silence of the Lambs. Directed by Charles Adelman in what feels like a dare from someone who said, “Bet you can’t make Sevenwithout any of the tension, atmosphere, … Read More “Two:Thirteen (2009): A Killer Case of “Who Cares?”” »
“Groundhog Day, But Everyone’s Dead and Confused” Every once in a while, a film comes along that thinks it’s smarter than you. Triangle doesn’t just think that—it’s absolutely convinced. Written and directed by Christopher Smith (Creep, Severance), this 2009 psychological horror film promises time loops, existential dread, and nautical nightmares. What it delivers instead is … Read More “Triangle (2009): The Bermuda Triangle of Coherence” »
“Bless Me Father, for I Have Sucked.” There are vampire movies, and then there’s Thirst—a film so beautifully twisted it makes Twilight look like a juice box commercial and The Exorcist look like a light romantic comedy. Directed by South Korea’s cinematic sadist-genius Park Chan-wook (Oldboy, The Handmaiden), Thirst takes Émile Zola’s Thérèse Raquin—a 19th-century … Read More “Thirst (2009): Holy Blood, Holy Hangover” »
“From Man to Metal, With None of the Magnetism” If you’ve ever looked at a toaster and thought, “I wish I felt that level of emotional depth,” then congratulations — Tetsuo: The Bullet Man is your movie. Directed by Japan’s master of industrial migraine Shinya Tsukamoto, this 2009 installment in the Tetsuo series promises an … Read More “Tetsuo: The Bullet Man (2009): When Your Midlife Crisis Is Made of Scrap Metal” »