Oh, The Unborn. The film that asked, “What if The Exorcist, The Ring, and Schindler’s List had an unwanted baby together?” and then bravely answered, “It would look like this overproduced supernatural dumpster fire from Michael Bay’s horror phase.” Directed and written by David S. Goyer, this cinematic stillbirth manages to take a fascinating Jewish … Read More ““The Unborn” (2009) (Or: When Your Twin From the Womb Won’t Stop Texting You from Beyond the Grave)” »
Ah, The Tomb (also released as Edgar Allan Poe’s Ligeia), a film that takes one of literature’s most haunting gothic tales about love, death, and obsession—and turns it into a discount perfume commercial shot in the Carpathians. Somewhere, Edgar Allan Poe’s ghost is chain-smoking and muttering, “I didn’t drink myself to death for this.” Directed … Read More ““The Tomb” (2009) (Or: Edgar Allan Poe Rolls in His Grave—Then Tries to Crawl Out and Direct It Himself)” »
If horror movies were judged purely by how many brain cells they joyfully obliterate, Sweatshop would be a masterpiece. But here’s the twist—it kind of is. This is one of those rare, blood-soaked B-movies that fully commits to its own stupidity and emerges on the other side as an accidental triumph of trash cinema. Directed … Read More ““Sweatshop” (2009) (Or, “Hammer Time for the Hopelessly Dumb and Doomed”)” »
There are few things more terrifying than watching a ghost story that’s completely devoid of life. Eketeke, the 2009 Japanese supernatural horror flick about a vengeful half-body ghost who likes slicing people in half, manages to take an urban legend that should have been nightmare fuel—and somehow turns it into NyQuil. This film isn’t scary; … Read More ““Eketeke” (2009) (Or, “Half the Ghost, Half the Movie, All the Disappointment”)” »
Every once in a while, a movie comes along that makes you question your life choices—not in a deep, philosophical way, but in the “why didn’t I just rewatch Sharknado instead?” kind of way. Summer’s Moon is one such film. It’s a movie that desperately wants to be a gritty psychological thriller about trauma, family, … Read More ““Summer’s Moon” (2009) (Or, “Fifty Shades of Dirt Basement”)” »
Ah, Sorority Row. The movie that dared to ask: “What if we took the emotional depth of Mean Girls, the body count of Saw, and the brainpower of a box of hair dye—and then blended them into a cinematic smoothie of pure stupidity?” Spoiler: it tastes like regret, with a faint aftertaste of Axe body … Read More ““Sorority Row” (2009) (Aka “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Tire Iron”)” »
There’s a certain kind of horror movie that’s not really a movie so much as a dare. Watching Skeleton Crew is one of those dares — like licking a frozen pole, or agreeing to a three-day weekend with your ex. You know it’s going to hurt, but some dark, masochistic part of you whispers, What … Read More ““Skeleton Crew” (2009) (a.k.a. “Lights, Camera, Dismemberment!”)” »
There are bad sequels, and then there’s Saw VI, a movie that feels like it was written by an insurance adjuster who thought, “What if moral philosophy could be explained through industrial-grade torture equipment?” This installment of the once-fearsome franchise is less a horror film and more a corporate seminar about ethics, but with a … Read More ““Saw VI” (2009) (a.k.a. “The Human Resources Department of Hell”)” »
Let’s start with a confession: I wanted to like Pandorum. I really did. It promised cosmic horror, deep-space madness, and Dennis Quaid being haunted by his own cheekbones. The trailer looked like Alien and Event Horizon had a baby, raised it in a metal corridor, and fed it only Red Bull and despair. But what … Read More ““Pandorum” (2009) (a.k.a. “Event Horizon’s sad, sweaty little brother”)” »
Ah, Nine Miles Down. A movie that asks the truly important scientific question: What happens when you drill too deep and accidentally hit Hell? The answer, apparently, is “hallucinations, paranoia, and a shirtless Adrian Paul sweating his way through a desert meltdown.” This 2009 psychological horror gem, directed by Anthony Waller and written by Everett … Read More ““Nine Miles Down” (2009)” »