Let’s get this out of the way: Black Swan is the kind of film that feels like it should come with a complimentary Xanax and a scented candle to apologize afterward. Darren Aronofsky’s “psychological horror masterpiece” is less a ballet movie and more a two-hour panic attack wrapped in feathers and hallucinations. If ballet is … Read More “Black Swan (2010) Or: Swan Lake for People Who Think Insomnia and Schizophrenia Are Yoga Goals” »
Christopher Smith’s Black Death is the kind of film that takes a long, hard look at religion, faith, and morality—then dunks them all into a muddy pit, ties them to a few horses, and pulls until something breaks. It’s a movie that dares to ask: “What if The Seventh Seal had more entrails and Sean … Read More “Black Death (2010) Or: How to Find God, Lose Your Faith, and Catch the Plague in One Easy Pilgrimage” »
If Norman Bates and Leatherface had a child who was raised by Ed Gein’s interior decorator, the result might look a lot like Bereavement — Stevan Mena’s grim, gorgeously shot, and surprisingly artful prequel to Malevolence. It’s a movie that takes the slasher genre, soaks it in blood and existential dread, and somehow makes it … Read More “Bereavement (2010) Or: The Feel-Good Family Film About Trauma, Meat Hooks, and Existential Cattle Conversations” »
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Grizzly Man had a lobotomy and then tried to pass itself off as an emotional family drama, look no further than Bear (2010). Directed by Roel Reiné — though he wisely hides behind the pseudonym “John Rebel” (a name that screams ‘I made this on a dare’) … Read More “Bear (2010) Or: When the Forest Fights Back… But You Wish It Wouldn’t” »
There are bad airplane movies (Snakes on a Plane), there are worse airplane movies (Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal), and then there’s Altitude — the rare high-flying disaster that’s actually so weird, so earnest, and so delightfully bonkers that it circles back around and becomes good. It’s as if Final Destination mated with a Lovecraft fan’s … Read More “Altitude (2010) Or: When Your Fear of Flying Gets a Cthulhu-Sized Upgrade” »
If you’ve ever stayed up past 2 a.m. channel-surfing and wondered, “What if someone remade Predator using a Halloween costume budget and middle-school gym mats?”, congratulations — Alien vs Ninja is your answer. This 2010 Japanese martial arts sci-fi “comedy” (and I use that word like a hostage negotiator uses “trust”) is a cinematic fever … Read More “Alien vs Ninja (2010) Or: When You Cross a Predator with Power Rangers and Add a Karate Class Final Exam” »
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Paranormal Activity and Ghost Adventures had a love child conceived in a Spirit Halloween parking lot, look no further than 8213: Gacy House. Produced by The Asylum — the cinematic landfill that also gave us such treasures as Transmorphers and Snakes on a Train — this found-footage … Read More ““8213: Gacy House” (2010) Or: Paranormal Activity’s Off-Brand Cousin Who Should’ve Stayed in the Basement” »
Ah, 13Hrs — or Night Wolf, if you’re watching it under witness protection. This is the 2010 British werewolf movie that nobody asked for, but that somehow still manages to deliver exactly what you didn’t know you needed: posh people getting mauled in the countryside. It’s as if Downton Abbey had a blood transfusion from … Read More ““13Hrs” (2010) Or: The Family That Howls Together, Stays Together (Sort Of)” »
There are bad monster movies. There are bad Syfy monster movies. And then there’s Wyvern—a cinematic iceberg of stupidity floating in the shallow end of the “Maneater” series, crashing headfirst into the audience’s last remaining brain cell. This 2009 Canadian-American TV film is what happens when someone watches Jaws, The Thing, and Reign of Fire … Read More ““Wyvern” (2009) Or: How to Train Your Discount Dragon (Badly)” »
Let’s take a moment to appreciate how Wolvesbayne had every single thing it needed to be a fun, trashy cult classic. It had werewolves! It had vampires! It had Lilith, the mother of all vampires! It even had Marc Dacascos, who can do martial arts while smoldering like an action-hero candle. And somehow, director Griff … Read More ““Wolvesbayne” (2009) (Or: How to Ruin Werewolves, Vampires, and Halloween in 90 Minutes or Less)” »