Introduction: When the Ice Melts, So Does the Script There are two kinds of horror films about global warming: the kind that makes you terrified of the planet’s future (The Thing, The Bay) and the kind that makes you root for extinction. The Thaw proudly belongs to the second category. Directed by Mark A. Lewis … Read More “The Thaw (2009): A Cold, Hard Lesson in How Not to Make an Eco-Horror Movie” »
Introduction: When the Fairy World Runs Out of Magic (and Script) There’s a certain charm in Filipino horror—the way it mixes folklore, family drama, and inexplicable plot twists like a stew of supernatural confusion. T2 (short for Tenement 2) had all the ingredients to be a deliciously eerie urban ghost story. You’ve got Chito S. … Read More “T2 (2009): Tenement 2, or Tenement Too Much” »
Introduction: The Old Man and the Undead If George A. Romero’s zombie films are a buffet of apocalypse, Survival of the Dead is the dessert course—a little uneven, a little too sweet, but damned if it doesn’t still taste like the end of the world. Released in 2009, this sixth and final entry in Romero’s … Read More “Survival of the Dead (2009): When the Zombies Outlive the Plot (and That’s a Compliment)” »
Introduction: Murder Has Never Been So… Suburban If Norman Rockwell and Lifetime Movies had a baby, and that baby grew up to strangle you with a cable-knit sweater, you’d get The Stepfather (2009). This remake of the 1987 cult classic takes the spine-chilling premise of a sociopath infiltrating the perfect American family and repackages it … Read More “The Stepfather (2009): A Killer Performance in Blandness” »
Introduction: When In Italy, Don’t Visit the Castle Ah, Skull Heads—a film that reminds us that not all castles in Italy are romantic, and not all family dinners end with dessert. Directed by B-movie king Charles Band, this 2009 Full Moon Features oddity is a gothic fever dream packed with incest, necromancy, art thieves, and … Read More “Skull Heads (2009): A Family That Flays Together, Stays Together” »
Introduction: Happy Madison Goes to Hell (Literally) There’s something perversely delightful about The Shortcut, a horror film produced by Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison Productions. Yes, that Happy Madison—the studio responsible for fart jokes, golf-club assaults, and Rob Schneider’s entire acting career. So when Sandler’s team said, “Let’s start a horror division,” the natural question was: … Read More “The Shortcut (2009): When Curiosity Kills Teenagers (and the Dog, and Maybe Your Brain Cells)” »
Introduction: The Devil Went Down to Afghanistan If Red Sands proves anything, it’s that you should never, ever shoot ancient stone idols while stationed in the Middle East. Director Alex Turner’s supernatural war horror from 2009 answers a question no one asked: What if the War on Terror had a genie? But don’t let that … Read More “Red Sands (2009): When the Desert Hates You Back” »
Introduction: Welcome to Small-Town Apocalypse Every once in a while, a horror film crawls out of the cinematic basement, dusts itself off, and proudly says, “I was made with love… and at least three gallons of fake blood.” Perkins’ 14 is that film. Released in 2009 and directed by Craig Singer, this grimy, gutsy little … Read More “Perkins’ 14 (2009): A Bloody, Brainy, and Surprisingly Heartfelt Slice of Insanity” »
Welcome to Spain, Where the Board Games Eat You If you’ve ever thought Jumanji was a little too cheerful, Open Graves is here to fix that. It’s the film that asks, “What if a cursed board game killed you in increasingly stupid ways — and Eliza Dushku was there to sigh through it?” Directed by … Read More “Open Graves (2009): Jumanji Summoned Satan and Everyone Died of Stupidity” »
Introduction: The Thinking Man’s Saw, If the Thinking Man Had a Concussion Every horror-thriller worth its ransom note needs a hook. Nine Dead, directed by Chris Shadley and starring the eternally miscast Melissa Joan Hart, clearly thought it had one: nine strangers locked in a room, one will die every ten minutes until they figure … Read More “Nine Dead (2009): More Like Nine People You’ll Pray Would Hurry Up and Die” »