Welcome to Hell—Now Featuring Discount Latex Every so often, a horror film comes along that promises to peel back the layers of the human soul, gaze into the abyss, and confront the true nature of evil. Necromentia is not that film. Instead, Necromentia is what happens when a film student binge-watches Hellraiser, Saw, and a … Read More “Necromentia (2009): The Hellraiser You Ordered from Wish.com” »
Welcome to the Cornfield of Mediocrity There are horror movies that plant seeds of terror. Then there are movies like Messengers 2: The Scarecrow, which plant seeds of confusion and grow a whole harvest of regret. Directed by Martin Barnewitz and starring Norman Reedus before The Walking Dead made him famous for grunting at zombies, … Read More “Messengers 2: The Scarecrow (2009): A Field of Screams and Bad Decisions” »
The Mo Brothers’ Bloody Banquet of Mayhem There are horror movies that make you scream. There are horror movies that make you laugh. And then there’s Macabre— a movie that makes you do both, sometimes in the same breath, while clutching your stomach and wondering if that sound you just heard was your nerves snapping … Read More “Macabre (2009): Dinner Is Served — and You’re on the Menu” »
“The Sixth Sense? More Like the Sixth Yawn.” Every now and then, a horror film comes along that’s so un-scary, so meandering, so devoid of tension, that you start rooting for the ghost to end your suffering. Lonely Joe (2009) is that film. It’s the kind of cinematic séance that makes you wish the director … Read More “Lonely Joe (2009): A Film So Lifeless Even the Ghosts Look Bored” »
“Bless Me Father, For I Have Bitten” Every once in a while, a film arrives that feels like it was conceived after a three-day bender, a stack of Fangoriamagazines, and a deep love of both grindhouse absurdity and vampire lore. Jay Woelfel’s Live Evil is that film—a delirious, low-budget cocktail of blood, bullets, and blasphemy … Read More “Live Evil (2009): Where Holy Men, Dirty Blood, and Chainsmoking Vampires Collide in Glorious B-Movie Chaos” »
“Thou Shalt Not Suck (This Much)” Every once in a while, a film comes along that makes you question not only the nature of cinema, but the nature of existence. Life Blood (originally titled Pearblossom, then Murder World, then presumably Who Greenlit This?) is that film. It’s an American supernatural horror movie about lesbian vampires … Read More “Life Blood (2009): A Movie So Bad, Even God Looks Bored” »
“Murder, Microwaves, and Middle-Class Morality” There are horror remakes that exist simply to cash in on nostalgia, and then there’s The Last House on the Left (2009), a film that asks: What if “Home Alone” had a PhD in trauma and a body count? Directed by Dennis Iliadis and produced by Wes Craven himself — … Read More “The Last House on the Left (2009): Home Is Where the Horror Cooks” »
The Resurrection of Real Slasher Energy If you ever wondered what it would look like if an ‘80s slasher movie snorted an energy drink, upgraded its murder kit to 2009 tech standards, and hired a guy who looks like he bench presses corpses for fun — well, Laid to Rest is your answer. Written and … Read More “Laid to Rest (2009): Beauty, Blood, and the Chrome-Plated Psychopath” »
Welcome to the Circus of Regret Somewhere, deep in the annals of horror’s Hall of Shame, there’s a cracked porcelain mask with a red nose, smeared greasepaint, and a single tear painted down one cheek. That’s Jingles the Clown — not just a movie, but an experience that asks, “What if we remade a terrible … Read More “Jingles the Clown (2009): Send in the Clowns, But Maybe Don’t” »
Introduction: It’s Alive—But Barely There are bad remakes, and then there’s It’s Alive (2009) — a cinematic diaper explosion masquerading as horror. Directed by Josef Rusnak (of The Thirteenth Floor fame, proving lightning not only doesn’t strike twice, it sometimes misses the building entirely), this remake of Larry Cohen’s 1974 cult classic tries to update … Read More “It’s Alive (2009): Proof That Some Babies Shouldn’t Be Rebooted” »