Love, Lies, and Lunar Terror If you’ve ever thought, “Hey, I’d love to celebrate my honeymoon by driving into rural China during a demonic lunar festival!” — first of all, congratulations on your death wish. Second, Seventh Moon is the movie that proves you’re not nearly as prepared as you think. Directed by Eduardo Sánchez … Read More “Seventh Moon (2008): When Your Honeymoon Becomes a Hellmoon” »
“Smile for the Stalker, Everyone!” Some horror films warn us not to mess with Ouija boards. Some caution against premarital sex or camping near inbred cannibals. Evil Things (2009) delivers a simpler message: never, ever trust a maroon van. Written and directed by Dominic Perez in his feature debut, this low-budget found-footage thriller is what … Read More “Evil Things (2009): A Found-Footage Vacation Brought to You by Paranoia, Poor Decisions, and a Van That Won’t Take the Hint” »
“Congratulations! You’ve Been Approved for Eternal Damnation.” Before Drag Me to Hell, few films had the courage to ask one of life’s deepest questions: What if capitalism itself was haunted? Directed by Sam Raimi, the genius behind Evil Dead and Spider-Man, this 2009 supernatural horror flick is equal parts morality play, slapstick nightmare, and a … Read More “Drag Me to Hell (2009): A Screamingly Fun Descent into Demonic Debt Collection” »
“Youth, Beauty, and the Occasional Murder — Just Another Tuesday in Victorian London” Oscar Wilde once said, “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” Well, congratulations, Dorian Gray (2009) — we’re still talking about you. Directed by Oliver Parker, this lush, gothic adaptation of Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian … Read More “Dorian Gray (2009): A Portrait of Perfection, Painted in Sin and Hair Gel” »
“Lads, Lads, Lads… and the End of Western Cinema” Every now and then, a movie comes along that makes you sit back, stare at the screen, and ask, “Why does this exist?” Doghouse (2009) is that movie — a grotesque, beer-fueled frat dream disguised as a zombie comedy that thinks it’s clever when it’s actually … Read More “Doghouse (2009): Where Misogyny Meets Mediocrity in a Blood-Soaked Pint Glass” »
“Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back Underground…” There are sequels that expand on the original, sequels that ruin the original, and then there’s The Descent: Part 2—a film that cheerfully says, “You liked the claustrophobic terror of the first movie? Let’s do that again, but this time with more screaming, less … Read More “The Descent: Part 2 (2009): A Bloody Good Time Crawling Back Into Hell” »
“The Scariest Thing About This Film Is the Script Itself” There are horror movies that make you scream, horror movies that make you jump, and then there’s Deadline (2009)—a horror movie that makes you question your life choices and the caffeine level of the director. Directed by Sean McConville and starring Brittany Murphy in one … Read More “Deadline (2009): A Movie So Boring It Could Use a Ghostwriter” »
“Home Is Where the Holographic Murder Is” There are haunted houses, and then there’s Dark House (2010)—a movie that looks at your standard ghost story and says, “What if the ghost also knew how to hack a special effects system?” Directed by Darin Scott, with horror legend Jeffrey Combs in full manic mad scientist mode, … Read More “Dark House (2010): Where Jeffrey Combs, Killer Holograms, and Religious Trauma Throw a House Party in Hell” »
“Marriage Is a Journey—Unfortunately, So Is This Movie” Every marriage has its challenges—communication issues, trust problems, maybe a shared Netflix account. But in Dark Country (2009), Thomas Jane’s directorial debut, the challenge isn’t emotional intimacy; it’s surviving a supernatural desert time loop of murder, guilt, and questionable road safety. This isn’t your average honeymoon horror … Read More “Dark Country (2009): Love, Death, and a Road Trip Straight to Hell” »
“When Your Side Chick Is From Beyond the Grave” If you’ve ever made a bad romantic decision, cheated on someone, and thought, “Well, at least it can’t get any worse,” Crush (2009) is here to prove you wrong. Horribly, hilariously wrong. Directed by Jeffrey Gerritsen and John V. Soto, this Australian supernatural thriller takes the … Read More “Crush (2009): Love, Lust, and the Ghost That Just Won’t Take a Hint” »