“Shop Till You Drop (Dead)” If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Clerks and Saw had a low-budget, sleep-deprived love child conceived in a convenience store bathroom, Cornered! (2009) has your answer. Spoiler: it’s sticky, weirdly funny, and filled with more deli meat than dread. Directed by Daniel Maze and co-written by Darrin Grimwood, … Read More “Cornered! (2009): When Steve Guttenberg Went Psycho and the Convenience Store Closed for Good” »
“He Who Walks Behind the Rows Deserves Better Agents” There are bad remakes, and then there’s Children of the Corn (2009)—a film so aggressively bland it makes actual corn look like a nuanced performer. Directed and written by Donald P. Borchers, the man who produced the original 1984 cult classic, this Syfy Channel reboot proves … Read More “Children of the Corn (2009): The Crop Is Dead, and So Is My Will to Live” »
“Four People, One Virus, Zero Emotional Stability” If you’ve ever thought, “I’d like to watch Chris Pine survive the apocalypse with perfect cheekbones and poor decision-making,” then congratulations—Carriers is your new favorite pandemic movie. Directed by Spanish brothers Àlex and David Pastor, this 2009 post-apocalyptic horror-thriller is what you’d get if Mad Max were set … Read More “Carriers (2009): The End of the World, Now with Sibling Drama and SPF 100 Despair” »
“Till Death (and Wolves) Do Us Part” If you’ve ever planned a romantic honeymoon and thought, “This could use more rattlesnakes, dehydration, and moral collapse,” then The Canyon (2009) is your cinematic soulmate. Directed by Richard Harrah and written by Steve Allrich, this survival thriller takes a simple setup—newlyweds get lost in the wilderness—and wrings … Read More “The Canyon (2009): Honeymoon in Hell, Featuring Yvonne Strahovski, the Human Mirage” »
“Chronological Chaos, Sibling Issues, and a Serial Killer Walk Into a Bar…” If the Butterfly Effect franchise were a meal, the first one was a gourmet existential crisis served with a side of emo angst, the second was a microwaved leftover you regretted eating, and the third—The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations—is the greasy hangover breakfast … Read More “The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations (2009): When Time Travel Meets Therapy You Really Should’ve Had” »
“Clive Barker’s Skin in the Game” If you’ve ever felt like your life story was written all over your face, Book of Blood takes that idea, bleeds on it, and carves it into your epidermis. Directed by Joel Schumacher’s old Tales from the Crypt comrade John Harrison, this 2009 British horror film adapts the framing … Read More “Book of Blood (2009): The Horror of Being Literally Judged by Your Cover” »
“Friendship, Suicide, and Ghostly Midterms: Just Another Day in K-Horror High” If you ever thought your high school experience was traumatic, A Blood Pledge (2009) is here to remind you that you got off easy. Between pregnancy rumors, psychotic best friends, and a homicidal ghost who just wants to keep the group chat alive from … Read More “A Blood Pledge (2009): School Spirit Has Never Been Deadlier” »
“Schumacher’s Swamp Thing of Occult Chaos” Joel Schumacher may not be a name synonymous with subtlety. This is, after all, the man who gave Batman nipples and turned gothic melodrama into a neon light show. But in Blood Creek (2009), Schumacher dials down the camp (a little) and dials up the grimy, Nazi-fueled supernatural horror. … Read More “Blood Creek (2009): Nazi Necromancy Never Looked So Good” »
“Kansas City Confidential… and Completely Unhinged” If you’ve ever wondered what Silence of the Lambs would look like if it were shot in your neighbor’s basement using the cast of a community theater production of CSI: Missouri, look no further than Berdella (2009). Directed by William Taft and Paul South, this grim, sleazy, and strangely … Read More “Berdella (2009): A Killer Character Study With a Smile You’ll Wish You Could Unsee” »
“Come for the Peat, Stay for the Pain” There are many types of bad horror movies. There are so-bad-they’re-fun ones, so-bad-they’re-boring ones, and then there’s Assault of Darkness (also known as Legend of the Bog)—a film so murky, so incomprehensibly dull, that it feels like being slowly smothered in damp Irish moss. Directed by Brendan … Read More “Assault of Darkness (2009): A Bog-Standard Disaster” »