“When the Only Thing Longer Than the Snake Is the Movie” By the time Anacondas: Trail of Blood slithered its way onto the Sci-Fi Channel in 2009, one thing was abundantly clear: this franchise has more lives than its titular serpent. Directed by Don E. FauntLeRoy and starring Crystal Allen, Linden Ashby, Danny Midwinter, and … Read More “Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009) — The Snake That Wouldn’t Die (and Neither Would the Franchise)” »
“You’ll Scream, You’ll Cringe, You’ll Check Your Watch” There are some horror movies that make you jump, some that make you think, and some that make you reconsider every life choice that led to pressing “Play.” Albino Farm—a 2009 backwoods bloodbath from writer-directors Joe Anderson and Sean McEwen—firmly belongs in the third category. It’s inspired … Read More “Albino Farm (2009): A Horror Movie That Should Have Stayed Buried in the Ozarks” »
“Are You Dead? Or Just Watching This Movie?” Some movies haunt you. Others bore you. After.Life manages the impossible: it does both—at the same time. Directed by Agnieszka Wójtowicz-Vosloo (whose name is scarier than the movie she made), this 2009 “psychological horror” starring Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci, and Justin Long is less The Sixth Sense … Read More “After.Life (2009): A Movie So Dead, It Might Actually Be the Corpse” »
“Now Streaming: Ghosts, Gimmicks, and Gratuitous Drama” There are horror movies that chill you to the bone—The Exorcist, Hereditary, The Babadook—and then there’s 13B: Fear Has a New Address, which mostly chills you to the bone because it never stops talking. Directed by Vikram Kumar, this 2009 paranormal thriller wants desperately to be India’s answer … Read More “13B: Fear Has a New Address (2009): The Haunted Soap Opera Nobody Subscribed To” »
“Snow Place Like Hell” If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Alive, Cliffhanger, and Teen Wolf were blended together in a snowblower and aired on cable TV at 2 a.m., Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon is your answer. This 2008 SyFy Channel “original” (and I use that word in the loosest possible sense) … Read More “Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon (2008): Abominable Script, Forgettable Movie” »
The Snakepocalypse Nobody Asked For There are two kinds of movies that feature killer animals: the ones that terrify you (Jaws, The Birds), and the ones that make you question every career decision that led Tara Reid to fighting CGI snakes on basic cable. Vipers (2008), the twelfth entry in the legendary Maneater film series, … Read More “Vipers (2008): When Mother Nature Files a Lawsuit” »
“No Vacancy—Just Regret” If Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho made people afraid of motels, and 2007’s Vacancy made them double-check for hidden cameras, then Vacancy 2: The First Cut makes you afraid of something far worse—direct-to-video horror sequels. Directed by Eric Bross (who clearly made this under contractual duress or after losing a very specific bet), this … Read More “Vacancy 2: The First Cut (2008): When Even the Murderers Look Bored” »
All Aboard the Pain Express Every once in a while, a horror movie comes along that doesn’t just go off the rails—it gleefully derails itself, explodes, and then keeps on rolling fueled by blood, vodka, and pure insanity. Train (2008), directed by Gideon Raff and starring a delightfully unhinged Thora Birch, is one of those … Read More “Train (2008): When Eastern Europe and Organ Harvesting Collide on the Rails of Terror” »
Welcome to Nebraska—Where Everyone’s Crazy and the FBI Is Worse If David Lynch ever dropped acid, watched COPS reruns for twelve hours, and decided to make a true-crime procedural, you’d get Surveillance. Directed by his daughter, Jennifer Lynch (yes, that Lynch), this 2008 neo-noir horror-thriller is a gleefully sadistic slice of Americana gone septic. It’s … Read More “Surveillance (2008): Love in the Time of Serial Murder and Moral Rot” »
When Hangovers Aren’t the Worst Thing That Can Happen Underground Every bachelor party movie promises one thing: chaos. Usually, that chaos involves strippers, bad decisions, and maybe a tiger in the bathroom. Stag Night dares to ask — what if, instead of a wild night in Vegas, your groom-to-be adventure ends with cannibal hobos chasing … Read More “Stag Night (2008): Bachelor Party Goes Off the Rails — Literally and Gloriously” »