Some movies are bad. Others are so bad they circle back around into something fascinating — a cinematic car crash you can’t look away from. Resident Evil: Extinction is neither. It’s like watching someone play Mad Max: Fury Road on mute while reading a Resident Evil Wikipedia summary written by a caffeinated raccoon. Directed by … Read More “Resident Evil: Extinction (2007): The Desert of Dumb and the Apocalypse of Plot Holes” »
There are bad horror movies, and then there’s The Rage — a film so gloriously misguided it feels like someone fed Re-Animator, The Birds, and The Evil Dead into a blender powered by Mountain Dew and despair. Directed by Robert Kurtzman (yes, the same guy who helped create From Dusk Till Dawn and the Wishmaster … Read More “The Rage (2007): A Mad Scientist, Mutant Vultures, and an Anger Problem for Everyone” »
Sometimes a movie doesn’t need complex metaphors, political allegory, or Oscar-bait monologues. Sometimes, all it needs is Bridget Moynahan trapped in a Jeep while a pride of lions tries to turn her into a human Happy Meal. That’s Prey(2007) — a gloriously straight-faced survival thriller that manages to be both nerve-shredding and hilariously earnest, like … Read More “Prey (2007): The Lion Sleeps Tonight — But Not Before Eating the Tourists” »
Every December, there’s that one co-worker who just can’t take a hint. You know the type — awkward, clingy, and convinced your polite “Happy Holidays” meant “Please kidnap me in an underground garage.” That’s essentially the premise of P2 (2007), a Christmas movie so delightfully deranged it makes Die Hard look like The Muppet Christmas … Read More “P2 (2007): A Yuletide Tale of Office Politics, Gasoline, and Murderous Holiday Cheer” »
Some movies are clever, some are dumb fun, and then there’s Murder Party — a movie that’s both, but proudly so, like a film student who just discovered irony and power tools at the same time. Written, directed, and shot by Jeremy Saulnier (who would later go on to make the fantastic Blue Ruin and … Read More “Murder Party (2007): A Bloody Good Time for the Artistically Deranged” »
If Messages were an actual message, it would be one of those spam emails from a Nigerian prince—confusing, full of false promises, and somehow both boring and desperate. Directed by David Fairman and starring Jeff Fahey (yes, that Jeff Fahey of “why am I in this movie” fame) and Bruce Payne (whose name practically screams … Read More “Messages (2007): The Ghost of a Plot Long Dead” »
There’s a certain poetic symmetry in The Invasion being about emotionless aliens taking over humanity — because, ironically, watching this movie achieves the exact same effect. By the thirty-minute mark, you’ll find yourself glazed over, drooling slightly, and murmuring, “Everything is fine” in a soothing monotone. This 2007 sci-fi horror remake (and the fourth version … Read More “The Invasion (2007): A Cold, Dead-Eyed Remake About Cold, Dead-Eyed People” »
There are horror movies that make you afraid to sleep with the lights off. Then there’s House of Fears, a film so profoundly un-scary that it makes you afraid to keep your eyes open. Directed by Ryan Little — yes, the man who once made Saints and Soldiers, proving he can do both World War … Read More “House of Fears (2007): Haunted House, Empty Plot” »
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Goosebumps and American Pie had a demon-possessed baby raised by French teenagers hopped up on espresso and bad CGI, you don’t have to wonder anymore. You can just watch Hellphone. Or better yet, don’t. Just slam your hand in a car door and whisper “Satanic Nokia” until … Read More “Hellphone (2007): When Satan’s iPhone Needs a Software Update” »
There are movies that chill you to the bone, films that twist your mind, and then there’s Hannibal Rising—a movie that feels like a TED Talk on vengeance hosted by a brooding European art student who just discovered eyeliner. This prequel to The Silence of the Lambs and Red Dragon sets out to answer the … Read More “Hannibal Rising (2007): When Cannibalism Loses Its Appetite” »