Mary Lambert once directed Pet Sematary, a film that still makes people cry over a dead cat and a zombie toddler. Two decades later she gave us The Attic, a film so confusing and joyless it makes you wonder if Lambert accidentally directed it in her sleep. Or maybe in someone else’s attic. This is … Read More “The Attic (2007) – A Movie That Should’ve Stayed in the Basement” »
There are bad horror movies, there are boring horror movies, and then there’s An American Crime—a film that somehow manages to be both. Based on the real-life torture and murder of Sylvia Likens in 1965, it markets itself as a “psychological horror drama” but plays out more like a Lifetime special directed by someone who … Read More “An American Crime (2007) – Misery Porn Disguised as Cinema” »
Some movies are so bad they’re funny. Some movies are so bad they’re tragic. Diary of a Cannibal manages to be so bad it feels like punishment from a vengeful god you didn’t even know you’d angered. This 2007 dumpster fire, directed by Ulli Lommel—the same man responsible for Zombie Nation and a thousand wasted … Read More “Diary of a Cannibal (2007): Ulli Lommel’s Romantic Comedy About Digesting Your Boyfriend” »
Sequels are supposed to either raise the stakes or lower the bar. Decoys 2: Alien Seduction manages to do both: it takes the limp premise of the first Decoys film (college dudes discovering hot girls are secretly tentacle aliens) and inflates it like a busted novelty condom, stretching what should have been a 10-minute Are … Read More “Decoys 2: Alien Seduction (2007) – The Tentacle Porn No One Asked For” »
James Wan and Leigh Whannell gave us Saw, a nasty little box of tricks that rewrote the early-2000s horror playbook. Then, for reasons known only to their accountants, they decided to make Dead Silence, a ventriloquist-doll ghost story that’s about as scary as a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic running low on battery. Released in 2007, … Read More “Dead Silence (2007) – When Dolls Murder Your Eardrums” »
Every so often, a film comes along that’s so bad, so incompetently stitched together, so fundamentally unwatchable that you wonder if it wasn’t directed by a human being at all but by a hungover raccoon with a stolen camcorder. Curse of the Zodiac is one of those films. Directed by Ulli Lommel (the man who … Read More “Curse of the Zodiac (2007) – When Ulli Lommel Makes a Crime Scene Out of Cinema” »
Ah, nothing says “family night at the movies” quite like sitting down with a low-budget horror biopic about Richard Speck, the man who brought Chicago more nightmares than traffic on the Dan Ryan at rush hour. Chicago Massacre: Richard Speck, directed by Michael Yungfer, takes one of the most infamous murder sprees in American history … Read More “Chicago Massacre: Richard Speck (2007) – A Feel-Good Movie About One of the Worst People Alive (Wait, What?)” »
If you ever wondered what happens when you shoot a vampire movie in less time than it takes most people to recover from food poisoning, Brotherhood of Blood is your answer. Directed by Peter Scheerer and Michael Roesch—two names that feel less like directors and more like aliases on a witness protection form—this 2007 vampire … Read More “Brotherhood of Blood (2007): Or How I Learned to Hate Vampires in 12 Days” »
There’s a reason sequels are often called “cash grabs.” Sometimes, they’re surprise gems (Evil Dead II). Sometimes, they’re fun trash (Friday the 13th Part VI). And sometimes, they’re Boogeyman 2, a movie that feels like a 90-minute therapy session where the therapist gets up halfway through, sets the office on fire, and leaves you to … Read More “Boogeyman 2 (2007): The Sequel Nobody Asked For But We Got Anyway” »
Some movies are bad. Some movies are so bad they’re good. And then there’s Black Swarm (2007), which is just a bad wasp nest glued to a VHS tape, buzzing irritably in your living room until you finally swat it with the remote. Directed by David Winning, this Canadian “suspense” entry in the Maneater series … Read More “Black Swarm (2007): When Killer Wasps Sting Your Brain Cells Instead of the Characters” »