Some movies are bad because they aim too high and fall flat. Others are bad because they never aimed at all. Artifacts(2007), directed by Giles Daoust and Emmanuel Jespers, proudly fits into the latter category—a film so bland, so utterly lifeless, it makes paint-drying videos look like Mad Max: Fury Road. If you’ve ever wanted … Read More “Artifacts (2007): When Horror is Just a Xerox Machine That Won’t Stop Jamming” »
There are bad movies, and then there’s Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, a cinematic experience so dark—literally—that you could stare at a blank TV screen and have the same viewing experience. This wasn’t just a horror movie. This was a war crime against both franchises, a film that took two of cinema’s greatest monsters and said, … Read More “Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007): When the Real Horror is the Lighting Technician” »
Some horror films offer you a cozy couch, a recliner, maybe even a beanbag chair. The Devil’s Chair, on the other hand, offers you a hulking demonic armchair that kills anyone dumb enough to sit on it. It’s not comfortable, it doesn’t recline, and the lumbar support is terrible—but as far as cursed furniture goes, … Read More “The Devil’s Chair (2007): Madness, Murder, and the Best Seat in the House” »
There are bad ways to spend eternity—stuck in traffic, locked in an endless Zoom call, or worse, reliving Catacombs on repeat. But then there’s Ian Stone, whose cosmic punishment involves being murdered every day in increasingly creative ways, then waking up in a new life with a fresh set of existential dread. It’s like Bill … Read More “The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007): Groundhog Day, But With Extra Dismemberment” »
There are many cinematic warnings in life: don’t read from cursed books, don’t spend the night in abandoned asylums, and for the love of God, don’t buy a house in Los Angeles just because the windows are “pretty.” Dark Mirror (2007) takes this last warning, turns it into a full movie, and somehow still manages … Read More “Dark Mirror (2007): A Reflection That Should’ve Stayed Shattered” »
H.P. Lovecraft famously hated three things: seafood, small towns, and basically anyone who wasn’t him. So it’s oddly poetic that Cthulhu (2007), a loose adaptation of The Shadow Over Innsmouth, throws all of those anxieties into a blender, adds some Pacific Northwest rain, a dash of New Age cult yoga, and one very gay protagonist. … Read More “Cthulhu (2007): When Coming Home Means Tentacles, Trauma, and Tori Spelling” »
Some horror movies are designed to make you afraid of monsters. Others make you afraid of being stuck in a poorly lit European rave with people who look like they shop exclusively at Hot Topic. Catacombs (2007), the first original film from FEARnet, manages to do neither. Instead, it makes you afraid of wasting 90 … Read More “Catacombs (2007): Anxiety, Absinthe, and the World’s Worst Rave” »
Some horror movies make you afraid to turn the lights off. Others make you afraid to turn the TV on. Bottom Feeder, a 2007 straight-to-DVD monster flick, firmly belongs in the latter camp. Written and directed by Randy Daudlin, this cinematic turd follows Tom Sizemore and some poor Canadian actors as they wander through endless … Read More “Bottom Feeder (2007): Tom Sizemore vs. Sewer Rat Man – And We All Lose” »
Somewhere in Hollywood, there exists a dusty filing cabinet labeled “Career Choices We Don’t Talk About.” In one drawer, you’ll find Nicolas Cage’s tax forms. In another, Halle Berry’s Catwoman contract. And if you dig deep enough, you’ll stumble upon F. Murray Abraham’s decision to star in Blood Monkey. Yes, the same Oscar-winning actor who … Read More “Blood Monkey (2007): Or How F. Murray Abraham Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Paycheck” »
Some movies are bad because they try too hard. Others are bad because they don’t try at all. Then there are films like Beneath, which seem to exist purely to make you question whether Paramount and MTV really thought horror fans were clamoring for a movie that feels like a Lifetime melodrama staged inside a … Read More “Beneath (2007): Six Feet Under the Standards of Horror” »