When Remakes Go Wronger Than Fruitcake There are bad horror remakes, and then there’s Black X-Mas (2006), Glen Morgan’s attempt to update Bob Clark’s 1974 classic. The original Black Christmas was subtle, moody, and chilling—a proto-slasher that helped define the genre. The remake is… well, it’s like someone put Christmas lights on a rotting corpse … Read More “Black X-Mas (2006): All I Want for Christmas Is a Better Movie” »
A Hairy Situation Worth Watching When people talk about great creature features, they mention Jaws, The Thing, maybe even An American Werewolf in London. Rarely do they bring up Abominable (2006), which is a shame, because Ryan Schifrin’s low-budget Bigfoot bonanza is a wild, pulpy gem that blends Hitchcockian voyeurism with the kind of monster … Read More “Abominable (2006): Rear Window Meets Sasquatch With Blood on His Breath” »
Another High School Horror, Another Corpse in the Locker There are bad horror movies, and then there are horror movies so desperately derivative that they make you want to personally apologize to Stephen King. Tamara (2005), directed by Jeremy Haft, is one such cinematic corpse. It’s what happens when you mix Carrie, The Craft, and … Read More “Tamara (2005): Carrie Went to Spirit Halloween and Never Came Back” »
When Trees Attack (Sort Of) Zombie movies usually start with something bold—a strange chemical spill, a cursed artifact, maybe even a voodoo ritual. Severed (2005), a Canadian export nobody asked for, takes a different approach: it blames forestry management. Yes, this is the first zombie movie where the apocalypse is caused by eco-unfriendly tree sap. … Read More “Severed: Forest of the Dead – Or, How to Make Logging Look Even More Boring” »
Horror on a Shoestring (and a Bat Wing) Before Ti West gave us The House of the Devil and X, he made The Roost—a $250,000 micro-budget horror flick that proved he could do more with a swarm of rubber bats and a fog machine than most directors can do with Marvel money. Released in 2005, … Read More “The Roost: Ti West’s Low-Budget Bat Out of Hell” »
When Even Zombies Deserve Better The Return of the Living Dead franchise started as punk rock splatter cinema—rebellious, funny, and unapologetically gross. By the time we get to Necropolis (2005), the fourth installment, all of that is gone. Instead, we’re treated to a made-for-Sci-Fi Channel “horror” movie that feels like it was filmed in someone’s … Read More “Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis – Proof That Sometimes the Dead Should Stay Dead (and Unfilmed)” »
When the Angels Fall, Kari Wuhrer Rises Let’s get this out of the way: The Prophecy: Uprising (2005) is not a good film. In fact, it’s a biblical mess, the kind of movie that feels less like scripture and more like fanfiction written after too many Red Bulls. Christopher Walken bailed, Doug Bradley wandered in … Read More “The Prophecy: Uprising – Blessed Are We for Kari Wuhrer” »
Blessed Be the B-Movie Every horror fan knows that nuns are inherently terrifying. It’s not their fault—black-and-white habits are basically gothic cosplay, and vows of silence only make you imagine what they’re plotting. In The Nun (2005), director Luis De La Madrid finally asks the question: what if Sister Act was directed by Satan, shot … Read More “The Nun (2005): When Holy Water Isn’t Enough” »
Marvel’s Dirty Secret (Literally) Before Marvel Studios was printing billion-dollar checks with Iron Man’s face on them, they were shoving out cinematic curiosities like Man-Thing—a film so bad, even the Sci Fi Channel premiered it with an embarrassed cough. Yes, Marvel’s big swamp monster got his screen debut not in theaters, not in glory, but … Read More “Man-Thing: Marvel’s Muck Monster That Should Have Stayed in the Swamp” »
A Master Still Biting After Decades By 2005, George A. Romero had been gnawing on society’s jugular for nearly 40 years. He gave us Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead—three low-budget masterpieces where the zombies were never the only monsters in the room. Then, with Land of the … Read More “Land of the Dead: George Romero’s Last Great Feast of Flesh” »