Body Count (1998) is a heist movie that robs you of 85 minutes and any remaining faith you had in late-’90s crime thrillers. It’s the kind of film that makes you check the DVD case twice because you’re convinced there’s a second disc with the actual plot on it. Imagine a bunch of vaguely recognizable … Read More “Body Count (1998): So Bad It Should Be Charged With Manslaughter” »
Let’s get this out of the way: Men in Black is not a bad movie. It’s just an aggressively mid-tier amusement park ridedisguised as a sci-fi comedy classic. A movie so proud of its sunglasses and snark that it forgets to have an actual pulse. Critics and fans hailed it as stylish, clever, and endlessly … Read More “Men in Black (1997): The Galaxy’s Slickest Snoozefest” »
A Pair of Aspirin for the Trauma Some films surprise you. Others delight. Kicked in the Head just kicks you in the soul with a steel-toed boot full of try-hard whimsy and post-Tarantino hangover. It’s the kind of movie that thinks being “offbeat” means yelling non sequiturs, wearing a trench coat in July, and staring … Read More “Kicked in the Head (1997): A Quirky Indie Comedy That’ll Leave You Begging for a Coma” »
Every so often, Hollywood huffs a little too much glue and says, “You know what America needs? Bill Murray on a road trip… with an elephant.” Thus, Larger Than Life was born—a 1996 comedy that stumbles trunk-first into the kind of forced whimsy that makes even die-hard Murray fans stare blankly at the screen like … Read More “Larger Than Life (1996): A Man, an Elephant, and a Whole Lotta Regret” »
A Warning for Anyone Expecting a Good Western There are westerns, and then there are dusty little misfires like The Desperate Trail, a film so generic and confused it feels like it was shot on leftover sets from a better movie and written during a bar fight between clichés. It’s a made-for-HBO western that tries … Read More “The Desperate Trail (1994): The Only Thing Desperate Here Is the Script” »
A Standing Ovation for Linda Fiorentino’s Weaponized Sexuality Some movies saunter into your life, slap you across the face with their confidence, steal your wallet, and make you thank them for the experience. The Last Seduction is one of those films—slick, sharp, and soaked in noir cynicism—but you better enjoy the ride, because the ending’s … Read More “The Last Seduction (1994): Femme Fatale Masterclass, But That Ending Can Go Seduce Itself” »
There are bad movies. There are bad erotic thrillers. And then there’s Acting on Impulse—a film so unsure of itself it tries to be a satire, a murder mystery, a skin flick, and a psychological drama, and fails in every category like it’s going for a world record in mediocrity. Starring Linda Fiorentino as Susan … Read More “Acting on Impulse (1993): A Softcore Thriller with No Thrills, Just Sweat and Regret” »
Zero Sympathy for Ponytails or Biker Existentialism Let’s get one thing straight: Beyond the Law is the kind of movie that thinks a mullet, a leather vest, and a tortured stare count as character development. It’s like if Donnie Brasco got drunk on Jack Daniel’s, stole a Harley, and crashed into a pile of rejected … Read More “Beyond the Law (1993): Undercover, Underwhelming, Overacted” »
There are films that explore the tangled web of human desire, the raw yearning that connects us all in a vast emotional tapestry. Chain of Desire is not one of those films. No, this is the cinematic equivalent of finding a used condom in a poetry reading. Everyone’s naked, everyone’s miserable, and no one seems … Read More “Chain of Desire (1992): Everybody’s Screwing, Nobody’s Interesting” »
Shout is a movie that screams… but not in a good way. More like a dying raccoon trapped in a jukebox. It’s the cinematic version of someone trying really hard to be cool, only to trip over their own leather boots and land face-first in a pile of discarded Elvis records. Set in 1950s West … Read More “Shout (1991): When Rock ‘n’ Roll and Texas Said “Nah, We’re Good”” »
