This episode of The Hitchhiker is what happens when someone tries to write a cautionary tale about the dangers of fame, identity, and fantasy… after doing shots of whiskey and reading a Sylvia Plath poem through a rearview mirror. It’s called “My Enemy,” but frankly, the real enemy might be the script, or maybe the … Read More “The Hitchhiker (1989) – “My Enemy”: Identity Crisis Served With Lipstick and a Loaded Gun” »
Ah, the late ’80s—when yuppie smugness was a romantic virtue, and cocaine was probably pitched as a screenwriting tool. Worth Winning is the kind of film that thinks it’s charming, but it’s really just a 100-minute flex by a guy who deserves to get kicked in the teeth with every punchline he delivers. It’s a … Read More “Worth Winning (1989): Worth Skipping” »
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if a roided-up cartoon character tried to act in a movie written during a concussion protocol timeout, No Holds Barred is your answer. It’s not a film. It’s a fever dream brought to you by the same minds who thought a man wrestling another man into … Read More “No Holds Barred (1989): Hulk Hogan’s Cinematic Pile of Crap” »
There’s a moment in See No Evil, Hear No Evil where you realize you’re not watching a comedy so much as a series of sight gags duct-taped to a corpse. The corpse is the script. The duct tape is made of fart jokes, pratfalls, and the lingering hope that Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor might … Read More “See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989): Slapstick for the Sensory-Deprived” »
There’s a scene early in Where the Money Is where Paul Newman, playing a paralyzed ex-bank robber named Henry, gets wheeled around by a bored nurse played by Linda Fiorentino. It’s supposed to feel like slow-burn intrigue—cat and mouse with smirks and sexual tension. What it actually feels like is waiting in line at the … Read More “Where the Money Is (2000): Turns Out, It Ain’t in the Script” »
Somewhere in the cold, vast emptiness of the galaxy, there’s a planet inhabited solely by emotionless male clones trying to conquer Earth via sex. And from that same corner of the void came this movie, What Planet Are You From?—a limp, aimless sci-fi sex comedy that thinks it’s edgy but couldn’t get aroused at a … Read More “What Planet Are You From? (2000): The Planet is Dull, the Movie’s Worse” »
Ordinary Decent Criminal is one of those movies that thinks it’s cooler than a pint of Guinness in a leather jacket. It’s not. It’s more like if someone watched The Usual Suspects, got a C-minus in screenwriting class, and then said, “Let’s cast Kevin Spacey again, but make him Irish.” Spoiler: the accent’s not the … Read More “Ordinary Decent Criminal (2000): Neither Ordinary, Nor Decent, Just Criminally Boring” »
Ah, Dogma. Kevin Smith’s grand theological mic drop. His attempt at divine satire, spiritual commentary, and fart-joke philosophy all jammed into one bloated, robe-draped road movie. It’s like someone handed a theology textbook to a guy with a bag of weed and a Clerks DVD and said, “Here—make God funny.” And so he did. Sort … Read More “Dogma (1999): Heaven Help Us—This Movie’s a Holy Mess” »
Body Count (1998) is a heist movie that robs you of 85 minutes and any remaining faith you had in late-’90s crime thrillers. It’s the kind of film that makes you check the DVD case twice because you’re convinced there’s a second disc with the actual plot on it. Imagine a bunch of vaguely recognizable … Read More “Body Count (1998): So Bad It Should Be Charged With Manslaughter” »
Let’s get this out of the way: Men in Black is not a bad movie. It’s just an aggressively mid-tier amusement park ridedisguised as a sci-fi comedy classic. A movie so proud of its sunglasses and snark that it forgets to have an actual pulse. Critics and fans hailed it as stylish, clever, and endlessly … Read More “Men in Black (1997): The Galaxy’s Slickest Snoozefest” »
