“Rocky” with Lip Gloss, and Somehow Even Less Believable Ah, The Main Event. The film that dared to ask: what if Rocky was rewritten by a perfume commercial? What if a love story and a boxing movie had a baby, and that baby was dropped on its head repeatedly while being raised by a disco … Read More “The Main Event (1979): A TKO of Taste, Talent, and Testosterone” »
The Bimbo Olympics, Brought to You by Made-for-TV If you’ve ever wanted to see what happens when the concept of fame is boiled down to lip gloss, blank stares, and soft-focus ambition, look no further than 1978’s Katie: Portrait of a Centerfold. It’s a made-for-TV movie masquerading as a cautionary tale, but really it’s just … Read More “Katie: Portrait of a Centerfold (1978): When Airheads Dream Big and the Script Takes a Nap” »
When Porn Tries to Sing—and Fails Miserably (Except for Kristine DeBell) Once upon a time in 1976, someone snorted a rail of disco glitter, skimmed a copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and said, “You know what this needs? Musical numbers and penetration.” Thus was born Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy, a film … Read More “Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy (1976): A White Rabbit Trail to Nowhere” »
He came out of Montreal, teeth first. Joseph Maurice Régis Vachon, a boy baptized in sweat and noise on September 14, 1929. Second of thirteen kids. That’s right, thirteen. Noisy house, full of elbows, fists, and screams. His father was a cop named Ferdinand, built like a brick shithouse. His mother, Marguerite, probably the only … Read More “No Halo, No Mercy: The Wild, Ugly Glory of Mad Dog Vachon” »
Stephanie Vaquer carrying the scars and glory of her battles as she asserts herself in the ring. Hard Knocks in CMLL I was nursing a whiskey and a split lip the first time I saw Stephanie Vaquer fight. She hit the poor girl across from her so hard I felt it in my barstool. Grit, … Read More “Stephanie Vaquer : Busting the Dollhouse” »
If Freud and Cinemax ever had a lovechild, it would look a lot like Profile for Murder — a movie that thinks it’s deep because someone once skimmed a Psychology 101 textbook while half-buzzed on Zima. This straight-to-video clunker drapes itself in the illusion of suspense, then strips it down to its sleaziest base layer: … Read More “Profile for Murder (1996): Softcore Psychobabble in a Straightjacket” »
In the annals of late-night cable mediocrity, few films face-plant harder in stiletto heels than Black Scorpion, a movie that plays like someone watched Batman, got drunk on peach schnapps, and shouted “What if Catwoman had less personality and more cleavage?” Enter Joan Severance, a woman genetically engineered in a secret lab to wear leather … Read More “Black Scorpion (1995): A Low-Budget Kink Parade Masquerading as a Superhero Movie” »
Dangerous Indiscretion is what happens when someone mistakes a grocery store flirtation for the beginning of a high-stakes erotic thriller, and then builds an entire movie around that single, terrible idea. It’s like they dared themselves to write a script during a hangover, and then never bothered to proofread it before filming. C. Thomas Howell … Read More “Dangerous Indiscretion (1995): Aisle 5—Bananas, Regret, and Erotic Thrillers That Don’t Work” »
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless you’re watching Payback (1995), in which case it’s overcooked, underseasoned, and dropped on the floor before anyone had a chance to care. This cinematic faceplant stars C. Thomas Howell as Oscar Bonsetter, a man whose name sounds like a minor league baseball coach and whose personality matches. … Read More “Payback (1995): Love, Lust, and Lazy Revenge in the Discount Bin of Cinema” »
If Criminal Passion were a cocktail, it would be one part bad erotica, one part murder mystery, and five parts spilled boxed wine. The kind of movie where everyone whispers like they’re in a library, but moans like they’re in a brothel. It wants to be Basic Instinct, but it ends up more like Mediocre … Read More “Criminal Passion (1994): A Murder Mystery So Dumb It Should Be Arrested” »
