When Porn Tries to Sing—and Fails Miserably (Except for Kristine DeBell) Once upon a time in 1976, someone snorted a rail of disco glitter, skimmed a copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and said, “You know what this needs? Musical numbers and penetration.” Thus was born Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy, a film … Read More “Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy (1976): A White Rabbit Trail to Nowhere” »
He came out of Montreal, teeth first. Joseph Maurice Régis Vachon, a boy baptized in sweat and noise on September 14, 1929. Second of thirteen kids. That’s right, thirteen. Noisy house, full of elbows, fists, and screams. His father was a cop named Ferdinand, built like a brick shithouse. His mother, Marguerite, probably the only … Read More “No Halo, No Mercy: The Wild, Ugly Glory of Mad Dog Vachon” »
Stephanie Vaquer carrying the scars and glory of her battles as she asserts herself in the ring. Hard Knocks in CMLL I was nursing a whiskey and a split lip the first time I saw Stephanie Vaquer fight. She hit the poor girl across from her so hard I felt it in my barstool. Grit, … Read More “Stephanie Vaquer : Busting the Dollhouse” »
If Freud and Cinemax ever had a lovechild, it would look a lot like Profile for Murder — a movie that thinks it’s deep because someone once skimmed a Psychology 101 textbook while half-buzzed on Zima. This straight-to-video clunker drapes itself in the illusion of suspense, then strips it down to its sleaziest base layer: … Read More “Profile for Murder (1996): Softcore Psychobabble in a Straightjacket” »
In the annals of late-night cable mediocrity, few films face-plant harder in stiletto heels than Black Scorpion, a movie that plays like someone watched Batman, got drunk on peach schnapps, and shouted “What if Catwoman had less personality and more cleavage?” Enter Joan Severance, a woman genetically engineered in a secret lab to wear leather … Read More “Black Scorpion (1995): A Low-Budget Kink Parade Masquerading as a Superhero Movie” »
Dangerous Indiscretion is what happens when someone mistakes a grocery store flirtation for the beginning of a high-stakes erotic thriller, and then builds an entire movie around that single, terrible idea. It’s like they dared themselves to write a script during a hangover, and then never bothered to proofread it before filming. C. Thomas Howell … Read More “Dangerous Indiscretion (1995): Aisle 5—Bananas, Regret, and Erotic Thrillers That Don’t Work” »
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless you’re watching Payback (1995), in which case it’s overcooked, underseasoned, and dropped on the floor before anyone had a chance to care. This cinematic faceplant stars C. Thomas Howell as Oscar Bonsetter, a man whose name sounds like a minor league baseball coach and whose personality matches. … Read More “Payback (1995): Love, Lust, and Lazy Revenge in the Discount Bin of Cinema” »
If Criminal Passion were a cocktail, it would be one part bad erotica, one part murder mystery, and five parts spilled boxed wine. The kind of movie where everyone whispers like they’re in a library, but moans like they’re in a brothel. It wants to be Basic Instinct, but it ends up more like Mediocre … Read More “Criminal Passion (1994): A Murder Mystery So Dumb It Should Be Arrested” »
Lake Consequence is one of those late-night cable films that tried to pass itself off as art but forgot to put pants on. It struts around like it’s some kind of deep, brooding, erotic meditation on desire and repression, but let’s be honest—this isn’t Bergman. It’s barely Zalman King. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a … Read More “Lake Consequence (1993): Skinny-Dipping in a Puddle of Pretentious Trash” »
Let’s not kid ourselves: Illicit Behavior sounds like it was named by a bored porn site algorithm. And watching it feels a lot like staying up too late, half-drunk, flipping through cable channels and landing on something that promises sleaze, danger, and a femme fatale—only to deliver moody lighting, Robert Davi grumbling into a payphone, … Read More “Illicit Behavior (1994): Cops, Crooks, and Joan Severance Caught in a Cinematic Dumpster Fire” »
