You ever walk into a movie expecting Stephen King horror and come out wondering if you just watched a weird incest-themed cat hate crime disguised as a monster movie? Welcome to Sleepwalkers. Directed by Mick Garris and “written” by Stephen King—though that word should probably be in quotation marks, because this feels less like writing … Read More “Sleepwalkers (1992) – Incest, Cats, and Stephen King’s Bad Ideas” »
There are bad movies. Then there are movies that feel like they crawled out of a 99-cent VHS bin at a truck stop in 1997, smelling like melted plastic and broken dreams. The Boyfriend School is one of those movies. It stars Steve Guttenberg, fresh off the fumes of Police Academy mediocrity, playing a cartoonist … Read More “The Boyfriend School (1990) – Romance by Way of Head Trauma” »
Wild Things 2 is what happens when a film studio gets bored, digs around in its leftover swamp water, and decides, “Hey, remember that sleazy, twisty, wet fever dream from 1998 with Neve Campbell and Denise Richards? Let’s do that again—but with less plot, fewer brains, and zero charm.” Enter Susan Ward, who plays Brittney … Read More “Wild Things 2 (2004) – The Dollar Store Version of a Trashy Flick” »
If Poison Ivy (1992) was a steamy, twisted drama dressed up in daddy issues and slow-motion seduction, Poison Ivy II: Lily is the drunk sorority sister who tries to imitate it with a Sharpie and a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Directed by Anne Goursaud — who somehow thought Embrace of the Vampire didn’t take things far … Read More “Poison Ivy II: Lily (1996) – Where Innocence Goes to Die in a Push-Up Bra” »
There’s a special place in cinematic hell for direct-to-video sequels, and Poison Ivy: The New Seduction rents a room there by the hour. This is the third and most forgettable entry in a series that started with Drew Barrymore whispering sweet nothings to a grieving dad and somehow mutated into this — a Skinemax fever … Read More “Poison Ivy: The New Seduction (1997): Third Time’s the Harm” »
There was a time in the mid-’90s when anything with the word “virtual” slapped on the cover promised the future — virtual sex, virtual crime, virtual this, virtual that — and Virtual Combat threw its hat into that cracked, overlit ring with all the grace of a Power Glove stuck on dial-up. Don “The Dragon” … Read More “Virtual Combat (1995): Cyber Sludge in a VHS Shell” »
If you’ve ever wanted to watch L.A. Confidential rewritten by a teenager with a porn addiction and a trench coat fetish, Undercover Heat is your soggy VHS dream come true. Directed with the subtlety of a sledgehammer by Gregory Dark — a man whose resume reads like the inventory of a dusty backroom at an … Read More “Undercover Heat (1995): A Softcore Mystery That Couldn’t Find Its G-Spot or Its Plot” »
Let’s say your local grocery store is out of Steven Seagal and you’re really jonesing for some generic martial arts mayhem. Who do you reach for in the cinematic bargain bin? Jeff Speakman, apparently — a man whose acting range runs the emotional gamut from squinting to slightly more intense squinting. Now toss in Ron … Read More “Deadly Outbreak (1995) Jeff Speakman vs. Ron Silver: The Showdown Nobody Asked For” »
There’s something inherently ridiculous about dropping Jackie Chan — a whirling Hong Kong buzzsaw of kung fu magic — into 1930s America and expecting it to go smoothly. Battle Creek Brawl is what happens when East meets West and then immediately trips over a pair of roller skates. Directed by Robert Clouse, the same guy … Read More “Battle Creek Brawl (1980): Jackie Chan Punches America in the Face (And Kristine DeBell Makes It Bearable)” »
There are two kinds of summer camp movies: the ones that try to teach you something, and the ones that pass you a beer, pull your finger, and laugh when you fart. Meatballs is proudly the second kind — a half-drunken stumble through bug spray, bell-bottoms, and teenage sweat, guided by a slouching, smirking Bill … Read More “Meatballs (1979): Where the Losers Win, the Shorts Are Short, and Bill Murray Can’t Be Contained” »
