There are many kinds of horror.
Jump scares.
Atmospheric dread.
The existential terror of opening your bank app after a night out.
And then there’s accidental horror — the kind you get after waiting five years for a new Stephen King adaptation only to discover that the scariest thing in the movie is the release schedule.
Enter Gary Dauberman’s ’Salem’s Lot, a supernatural vampire tale that somehow manages to bring to life every single version of the phrase “meh,” and then sink its fangs into nothing in particular. It’s a movie that sucks… but unfortunately not in the way vampires should.
This is the first big-screen adaptation of the novel.
It’s also the first one where you might genuinely root for the vampires, just so something interesting happens.
🧛♂️ A Town Full of Vampires — And Somehow It’s Still Boring
Stephen King’s original novel is a chilling exploration of small-town rot, generational trauma, and things that go bump in the night.
The 2024 movie is more of a meditation on:
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wandering slowly through graveyards,
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whisper-talking exposition,
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and people staring blankly into the distance like they forgot their lines.
Jerusalem’s Lot is supposed to be creepy.
Here, it looks like a Hallmark movie set that forgot to turn on the lights.
The vampires don’t feel scary. They feel like sleepy Renaissance Faire employees who got lost on the way to the parking lot.
🧔 Lewis Pullman as Ben Mears: A Writer Searching for Inspiration (and Also a Better Script)
Lewis Pullman tries.
He really does.
You can see the effort in every line reading, like a man desperately trying to resuscitate a movie using CPR taught by YouTube.
Ben Mears, in the novel, is a haunted writer with emotional scars.
In this film, he mostly looks like:
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he left the oven on,
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he wants to talk about his feelings but forgot what feelings are,
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or he’s unsure whether he’s in a horror film or a Zillow commercial.
He arrives in town to write a book, but he ends up in what feels more like a two-hour PSA about how badly we need better lighting in modern horror.
🧒 Mark Petrie: The Kid Who Deserves a Much Better Film
Jordan Preston Carter plays Mark Petrie, the kid who becomes a vampire-slaying badass. He’s one of the few bright spots — mainly because he displays actual personality, which is in tragically short supply here.
His big confrontations with the undead feel like watching a talented kid dancer trapped onstage with adults who forgot the choreography.
🧟♂️ Danny Glick: A Vampire So Non-Threatening You Just Want to Give Him Soup
Danny Glick’s transformation from bullied kid to undead predator should be terrifying.
Instead, he floats creepily outside a window like a trick-or-treater who can’t take a hint.
This scene terrified an entire generation in the 1979 version.
In this version, it looks like he’s waiting for someone to sign for a package.
👴 Bill Camp as Matt Burke: The Only Man Who Seems to Know This Movie Should Be Better
Bill Camp plays Matt Burke, the schoolteacher who becomes one of the first to recognize the vampire problem. Camp is excellent — a reminder that he can elevate anything… even material that seems allergic to tension.
His “I think my friend is a vampire” performance carries more emotional weight than the rest of the cast combined, and I’m counting the vampires, who unfortunately have the emotional range of stale bread.
🧛♂️ Kurt Barlow: A Vampire With the Screen Time of a Cameo
Barlow is supposed to be terrifying. A monstrous, ancient, demonic force of nature.
In this movie, he shows up occasionally like a cryptic coworker who lurks by the break room microwave. You never really feel his menace — mostly because he’s barely in the movie long enough to menace anything besides the runtime.
He looks good, though.
They clearly spent money on the makeup.
Then forgot to put him in the movie.
🧓 Pilou Asbæk as Straker: The Human Servant Who Steals the Movie (Mostly Because No One Else Tries)
Pilou Asbæk has a blast as Straker, gliding through the film like a man performing Shakespeare in the middle of a mall food court. He’s charmingly sinister. He’s weird. He elevates scenes by simply being awake.
Whenever he’s not present, you miss him — much like the filmmakers apparently missed the opportunity to let him be the actual lead.
🏚️ The Marsten House: The Spookiest Part of the Movie, Not That the Bar Was High
The Marsten House should be the beating, undead heart of the story — a symbol of ancient malevolence.
Here, it looks like a tourist attraction advertised on highway billboards:
“Come See the Spooky Barn Thing! $5 for Tours, Kids Free With Paying Adult!”
It’s pretty, though.
I’ll give them that.
If this movie doesn’t work as horror, it could double as a commercial for colonial real estate.
💀 The Pacing: Like Watching a Vampire Attack in Slow Motion
The pacing of ’Salem’s Lot is… slow. Painfully slow.
Almost meditatively slow.
Imagine someone describing a nightmare at half speed, pausing periodically to check their phone. That is the structure of this film.
The story SHOULD be a fast descent into chaos.
Instead, it feels like a polite decline into mild inconvenience.
Seriously: the town is being overrun by vampires and nobody seems particularly urgent about it. They treat it like a boil-water advisory.
🔥 The Climax: A Decent Last 20 Minutes… After 90 Minutes of Ambien
To give credit where it’s due: the final act has energy, chaos, and actual stakes (both emotional and wooden).
But it’s too little, too late.
By the time the vampires finally swarm, the audience is already undead.
Barlow’s final showdown is fun… but it’s the cinematic equivalent of someone showing up to your birthday party after you’ve already blown out the candles.
⭐ FINAL VERDICT: A Mildly Edgy Goosebumps Episode Wearing Stephen King’s Clothes
Rating: ★★☆☆☆ (4/10)
’Salem’s Lot isn’t terrible.
It’s just aggressively average, surprisingly sleepy, and occasionally spooky in the way your hallway feels spooky when you forget to turn on the lamp.
It has moments of charm.
Moments of actual horror.
Moments where you think, “Oh! THIS is about to get good!”
Then it doesn’t.
If you’re a hardcore King fan, you’ll watch it anyway.
If you’re a vampire fan, you’ll be disappointed.
If you’re an insomniac, congratulations — this movie might actually help.
