Slasher films are supposed to be fun. They’re supposed to have over-the-top kills, a dumb but watchable cast of victims, and a villain who’s either terrifying or so ridiculous you can’t help but cheer. See No Evil, however, is the cinematic equivalent of watching someone play Mortal Kombat with the controller unplugged. It’s sluggish, awkward, and the only thing scary about it is the thought that WWE Films thought this would launch them into Hollywood glory. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.
Eye Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Better Titles
Before we even get into the gore buffet, let’s talk about the names this movie almost had: Eye Scream Man, The Goodnight Man, and finally See No Evil. Apparently, the filmmakers spent more time brainstorming titles than actually writing a script. I mean, Eye Scream Man? That sounds less like a horror film and more like a Baskin-Robbins mascot who got fired for inappropriate touching. By the time they settled on See No Evil, the audience had already gone blind with boredom.
The Setup: Community Service, but Make It Murder
The film opens with Officer Frank (Steven Vidler) surviving an attack years earlier by a giant man with mommy issues and a hook. He loses his arm, his partner loses his life, and we lose any faith in this film within the first five minutes.
Fast forward four years: a group of delinquents are sent to clean up the Blackwell Hotel as punishment. Now, in any other slasher movie, these kids would have names like “Bikini Girl #2” or “Weed Guy.” Here, they have names, backstories, and dialogue—but don’t worry, they’re just as disposable. We meet Christine, Kira, Michael, Tyson, Zoe, Melissa, Richie, and Russell, each of whom exists to remind us how much we wish Kane had stayed in the wrestling ring.
The Villain: Jacob Goodnight, Not So Good at Fright
Kane plays Jacob Goodnight, a hulking, hook-swinging serial killer who rips out eyeballs for reasons that even Sigmund Freud wouldn’t want to touch. He lives in the hotel like some kind of homicidal houseguest, stalking teens and listening to his mom nag him about religion. Yes, Kane’s terrifying WWE persona is reduced here to a giant man who just wants maternal approval. This isn’t a monster—it’s Norman Bates on steroids.
The problem? Jacob is about as scary as a bouncer at a Chuck E. Cheese. Sure, he’s big. Sure, he can smash people around like rag dolls. But when your killer spends more time sulking in the shadows than actually killing, you’ve got a pacing problem. The film promises Kane’s wrestling brutality, but what we get is Kane cosplaying as a sluggish Michael Myers with an eyeball fetish.
The Kills: Death by Phone, Death by Dog, Death by Dumb
Slasher films live or die by their kills. Unfortunately, See No Evil mostly dies.
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Richie gets hooked into an elevator like a slab of meat in a butcher’s fridge. Yawn.
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Zoe has a cell phone shoved down her throat until she chokes. Innovative, sure, but also hilarious when you realize the ringtone probably out-acted the rest of the cast.
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Melissa falls out a window, survives, and then gets eaten by stray dogs. Not only is this lazy, it’s insulting to both horror fans and dogs. Even Cujo would have walked out of this production.
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Tyson, the tough guy, gets tasered and crushed by a vault. Because nothing says horror like electrocuting someone with their own taser, a move that would barely impress in Home Alone 5: Kevin Goes to Juvi.
By the time Jacob finally takes a pipe through the eye and falls out a window onto some glass, you’re just relieved the credits are near. The deaths aren’t shocking—they’re a checklist, like someone making sure each cast member clocked out before the shift ended.
The Cast: Future Corpses and Failed Careers
Christine (Christina Vidal) plays the de facto Final Girl, though she spends more time running and screaming than actually fighting back. Kira (Samantha Noble) gets special attention from Jacob because of her religious tattoos—because apparently nothing drives killers wild like body art. Michael (Luke Pegler) is the bland love interest. Tyson (Michael J. Pagan) tries to be the tough guy, but mostly just yells a lot before dying.
The rest? Cannon fodder. You could replace half the cast with mannequins and no one would notice. Honestly, the most emotive performance comes from the pack of wild dogs, who at least seemed committed to their role.
The Mother Problem
Ah yes, the big twist: Jacob’s mother, Margaret, is the one who lures everyone to the hotel, because nothing says “good parenting” like raising your son in a rotting building and encouraging him to pluck eyeballs like olives at a buffet. She’s supposed to be chilling, but she comes off like the PTA mom from hell. Watching Jacob finally turn on her feels less like a shocking twist and more like the world’s most violent episode of Dr. Phil.
The Direction: Gregory Dark, Indeed
Gregory Dark, a former porn director (yes, really), brings all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to this film. The camera work is jittery, the editing is choppy, and the attempts at atmosphere are about as effective as a fog machine at a high school dance. Instead of suspense, we get endless shots of grimy hallways and Kane glaring into the camera like he’s wondering if catering has more sandwiches.
The Sequel Nobody Wanted
Despite everything, this movie made $18 million on an $8 million budget, which is both depressing and proof that horror fans will watch anything once. This led to See No Evil 2, because apparently someone at Lionsgate thought the world hadn’t suffered enough. The sequel went straight to DVD, which is exactly where the first one should’ve gone.
Final Verdict: See No Evil, Hear No Good, Speak No Praise
See No Evil is the kind of film that proves even wrestlers can’t body slam their way out of bad writing. Kane deserved better. The slasher genre deserved better. Hell, we deserved better.
The kills are uninspired, the villain is neutered by mommy issues, and the pacing makes Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan look like a thrill ride. If WWE Films wanted to announce their presence in Hollywood, this was the cinematic equivalent of entering the Royal Rumble and immediately eliminating yourself.
If you’re in the mood for an actual slasher, watch Halloween, Friday the 13th, or hell, even Leprechaun in the Hood. At least those films know they’re ridiculous. See No Evil tries to be serious, and in doing so, commits the worst horror sin of all: being boring.
