Suspiria is a masterclass in style-over-substance filmmaking. With its vibrant colors, hypnotic Goblin soundtrack, and a plot that feels more like a fever dream than a coherent story, Dario Argento’s 1977 horror flick somehow remains one of the most beloved cult classics in the horror genre. The movie is so drenched in aesthetic that you might think Argento filmed it while tripping on a combination of LSD and pixie dust. Unfortunately, underneath the visual flair is a plot that’s about as thin as the paper-thin acting from some of the cast. But hey, who needs a logical plot when you’ve got magical lights, a soundtrack that makes your heart beat faster than your thoughts, and a killer who could barely be bothered to make a proper exit?
The Plot: Witches and Ballet—A Recipe for a Confused Night Out
Suspiria begins like every European horror film from the 70s—by dumping a woman off in an unfamiliar place. Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) is a young American ballet student who arrives at a prestigious German dance academy. She’s greeted by a scene that could have come straight out of a nightmare, featuring an overly dramatic escape from a student named Pat (Eva Axén), who runs out of the academy in pure terror. From the get-go, you’re left wondering if it’s the haunted academy or just the art of ballet that scares her. After a few head-scratching moments, Pat gets violently murdered (thankfully off-screen, because let’s be real, the budget couldn’t handle any more on-screen chaos).
Suzy, of course, brushes off the red flags and joins the academy, only to quickly realize that there’s a sinister secret lurking beneath the tulle and pointe shoes. The ballet school isn’t just a place for pirouettes and pliés; it’s also home to a coven of witches, led by a mysterious and hilariously unscary “headmistress” (Joan Bennett). It takes an embarrassingly long time for Suzy to realize that the mysterious deaths surrounding the school might be connected to the witches running the joint. I mean, there’s maggots falling from the ceiling, sinister glances from everyone, and people dropping like flies—come on, Suzy. You don’t need to be a witch to figure out that something’s rotten in Denmark.
The Acting: Wooden Performances as Beautiful as the Art
Jessica Harper plays Suzy, and her performance can be summed up as “someone who took method acting a bit too literally by thinking every line should be delivered with the same blank stare.” She spends most of the film looking mildly confused or slightly concerned, which isn’t ideal when your entire plot revolves around escaping a murderous coven of witches. To be fair, her range of emotions might be hindered by the script, which doesn’t provide much beyond: “Look terrified at the camera” and “Don’t ask too many questions.”
Meanwhile, Joan Bennett, who plays Madame Blanc, gives a performance so stiff, you’d think she was made of wood. Her character is supposed to be menacing, yet she comes off like a Sunday school teacher who’s just a bit too into metaphysical poetry. Meanwhile, Alida Valli as Miss Tanner, the one who’s always talking about “discipline” and “order,” looks like she’d rather be anywhere but there, possibly on the moon or at a yoga retreat. The entire cast’s performances make the plot feel even more like a half-formed nightmare, where no one knows their lines, and everyone is too distracted by the set design to care.
The Witches: A Coven of Missed Opportunities
If there’s one thing Suspiria has, it’s witches. But here’s the thing: these witches are far less The Craft and way more a tired college student trying to pass her finals. The witches in this film are supposed to be terrifying and mystical, but they seem more like they’re reading from a grocery list than a spellbook. The big reveal is that they’re all part of a “coven,” but you’re never quite sure why they’re so obsessed with ballet or why they keep killing people for no reason. The witches seem to be mainly concerned with hiding their true nature behind ominous glances and bad wigs. They could’ve just been hired as evil librarians, and honestly, nothing would have changed. They’re not threatening—just confusing.
And the big bad witch? Mater Suspiriorum, a.k.a. Helena Markos, is so terrifyingly underwhelming that you wonder if the budget ran out during the costume design phase. She’s supposed to be an ancient force of evil, but when she’s finally revealed in all her glory, you’re left wondering if they spent all the funds on lighting instead of, you know, designing a decent villain. Seriously, her big moment of terror is when she taunts Suzy with some goofy, invisible “haunting” gimmick. Yeah, she’s the head witch—how terrifying!
The Music: Goblin and Glitter – A Soundtrack That Tries Too Hard
The score, provided by the band Goblin, is the only thing keeping this film from fully sinking into B-movie oblivion. The soundtrack is ridiculously iconic and makes you feel like you’re walking through an acid trip with glitter falling from the ceiling. The music is all over the place, with synthesizers and high-pitched screeches that try to infuse suspense into every scene. The only problem is, the music often outshines the action on screen, making it feel like you’re watching a killer music video instead of an actual horror movie. By the time the eerie choir kicks in, you’re too busy wondering if you accidentally put on a prog rock album instead of a witchy thriller.
The Final Verdict: Style, But No Substance
Suspiria is like that art school project where you throw in all the colors, textures, and weird effects to make it look like you know what you’re doing, only for it to fall apart the moment someone asks, “So what’s the story?” The visuals are stunning, the lighting is a thing of wonder, and the colors are practically screaming at you, but the plot is a mess of confusion and contradictions. There are plenty of “spooky” moments, but none of them will have you at the edge of your seat, unless you’re expecting a shocking reveal in how long it takes for someone to figure out they’re in a haunted ballet school. Spoiler: it takes a long time.
The witches are a flop, the acting is wooden, and the plot feels like it was stitched together from random horror clichés. But hey, at least it’s beautiful to look at while you’re wondering what in the world is going on. If you’re in the mood for a stylish visual experience, Suspiria delivers—but if you’re looking for something that will actually scare you or give you any kind of coherent plot, maybe try reading a haunted ballet school novel instead.
