There are haunted house movies, there are remakes, and then there’s The Amityville Horror (2005)—a film so aggressively mediocre it feels less like watching a movie and more like being stuck in a Home Depot aisle listening to Ryan Reynolds angrily shop for lumber. Supposedly based on the infamous “true” haunting of 412 Ocean Avenue, this remake takes the 1979 original, scrapes off any of the atmosphere, and replaces it with shirtless Ryan Reynolds chopping wood. Over and over. And over.
“Based on a True Story” (By Which They Mean, “Based on a Book, Based on a Hoax”)
The film begins with the DeFeo murders, which is historically accurate… if by “accurate” you mean “shot like a Nine Inch Nails music video.” Ronald DeFeo Jr. kills his family at 3:15 a.m. after hearing voices. Cut to one year later, when the Lutz family—Kathy (Melissa George), her three kids, and her new husband George (Ryan Reynolds)—move in because, of course, nothing bad ever happens to people who buy murder houses at discount prices.
From there, the haunting begins: ghost kids, flickering lights, and Ryan Reynolds slowly morphing into a bearded axe-wielding psycho. It’s supposed to be terrifying, but mostly feels like an extended advertisement for beard oil and flannel.
Ryan Reynolds: From Quippy Deadpool to Cranky Stepdad
Ryan Reynolds, bless him, is trying here. This is pre-Deadpool, so instead of snarky one-liners, we get him stomping around the house like an angry lumberjack who’s been shortchanged on firewood. He yells at the kids, he chops wood shirtless in the rain, and at one point, he murders the family dog—because nothing says “haunted house possession” like stabbing Rover.
To his credit, Reynolds’ abs deserve their own screen credit. They glisten, they sweat, they even act better than some of the child actors. Unfortunately, six-pack abs aren’t enough to save a movie where the script’s big scare is “little girl has imaginary friend named Jodie.” If imaginary friends were proof of hauntings, every preschool in America would be built on a cursed burial ground.
Melissa George: Professional “Worried Wife”
Melissa George plays Kathy, whose job description boils down to looking increasingly concerned while her husband loses his marbles. She begs priests for help, she gasps at creepy noises, and she delivers the most used horror line of all time: “We need to get out of this house.” It’s not her fault—she’s a solid actress—but when your script gives you less personality than the dog, you’re doomed.
And speaking of priests: Philip Baker Hall shows up as Father Callaway. He tries to bless the house, gets spooked by some flies, and nopes out faster than a millennial at a team-building seminar. That’s it. That’s his whole role. He’s billed as a major character, but really he just provides an excuse for Reynolds to spend more time glaring at children.
The Babysitter Scene: Horror or Comedy?
No review of this movie is complete without mentioning the babysitter scene. Rachel Nichols plays Lisa, the stoner babysitter who shows up, brags about smoking weed, and casually tells the kids all about the murders in their house. Great sitter, A+ material.
She gets dared into the infamous closet (where one of the murdered kids supposedly died), sees ghost-Jodie, and promptly has a panic attack so severe she has to be carried out by paramedics. It’s meant to be chilling, but it plays like a rejected sketch from Scary Movie. Honestly, the only scary thing is her 1970s wardrobe. Polyester has claimed more lives than ghosts ever will.
Reverend Ketcham and the Basement of Boredom
This remake decides the haunting isn’t just about angry ghosts—it’s about a 17th-century preacher named Jeremiah Ketcham, who tortured Native Americans under the house. Because nothing says “good storytelling” like tacking on random colonial genocide for cheap scares. George even hallucinates Ketcham slitting his own throat in the basement, which drenches him in blood. It’s the movie’s idea of subtlety: throw blood at Ryan Reynolds and hope the audience doesn’t notice the plot is thinner than wet toilet paper.
The “scary basement” is also filled with ghostly Native Americans, dripping pipes, and the kind of flickering lightbulbs you find in a Walmart bathroom. It’s supposed to be hellish. Instead, it looks like a rejected Haunted Mansion ride at Six Flags.
Jodie the Ghost Girl: Casper’s Depressed Cousin
Jodie is the murdered DeFeo child who befriends Chelsea (tiny Chloë Grace Moretz in her film debut). She pops up randomly, usually looking like she just walked out of a Hot Topic clearance bin. Sometimes she screams, sometimes she points at closets, but mostly she’s just… there. By the end, Jodie gets dragged into the floorboards by ghost hands, which is either terrifying or hilarious depending on how many drinks you’ve had.
Jump Scares, Wood Chopping, Repeat
The biggest issue with The Amityville Horror (2005) is that it mistakes volume for terror. Every five minutes: loud noise, ghost face, Reynolds looking sweaty and angry. Then back to the axe. Rinse, repeat. It’s horror by way of a car alarm: loud, repetitive, and guaranteed to annoy the neighbors.
There’s no creeping dread, no slow-burn atmosphere—just constant attempts to shock you awake. By the time George is fully possessed, swinging axes at his stepkids, you’re less scared and more relieved the movie’s almost over.
The Ending: Family Boat Ride
Eventually, Kathy whacks George unconscious, throws the kids in a boat, and sails away while he magically comes back to his senses. That’s right: love and boating cure demonic possession. Eat your heart out, Vatican.
The movie ends with a title card solemnly informing us the Lutzes fled the house after 28 days and never returned. Meanwhile, the audience fled the theater after 90 minutes and never returned to this remake.
The Real Horror: It’s Just Boring
For a movie about demons, possession, and axe murders, The Amityville Horror (2005) is shockingly dull. It recycles every haunted house cliché in the book: creepy kid, flies on the window, spooky basement, priest running away. It tries to inject grit and gore but forgets that atmosphere is what made the 1979 version even remotely watchable.
Instead, we get Ryan Reynolds cosplaying as Jack Torrance Lite, Melissa George crying in corners, and Chloë Grace Moretz talking to imaginary friends. The scariest thing about the film is how it grossed over $100 million, proving audiences will pay to watch anything if you slap “based on a true story” on the poster.
Final Verdict
The Amityville Horror (2005) is the cinematic equivalent of buying a haunted house: it looks interesting on paper, but once you’re inside, you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. It’s derivative, loud, and completely devoid of originality. The only spirits here are the ones you’ll need to drink just to get through it.
