Let me take you on a ride. Not just any ride, but a killer ride. No, not a roller coaster or a monster truck rally—this is The Car, the 1977 horror film that asks the question, “What if a car just decided to kill everyone?” Well, strap in, because this film’s got all the quirky answers, like a possessed vehicle that only drives on rage and desperation.
Directed by Elliot Silverstein (who clearly had a thing for cars with a bad attitude), The Car is one of those films where the plot is so thin, it might as well be held together by duct tape. It’s a town terrorized by a black, souped-up Lincoln Continental that seems to have all the personality of a haunted toaster, and for some reason, the car’s main hobby is running people over and smashing things in a rather dramatic fashion.
The Plot: Who Needs Drivers Anyway?
The story is simple enough: A spooky black car rolls into town (sans driver, of course) and immediately goes on a rampage, killing off anything with a pulse, preferably with a side of murderous horn honking. There’s no reason given for why this car is so bloodthirsty, but let’s be real—who needs logic when you’ve got an angry vehicle on the loose?
The car’s rampage starts with cyclists getting slammed off a bridge and ends with our heroes, Wade Parent (James Brolin) and his ragtag team of survivors, facing off with the four-wheeled menace in a desert canyon. I mean, forget the monsters under the bed, a car that can mow down deputies, break into houses, and drive itself is all the nightmare fuel you need.
The Acting: A Slow Speed Chase Through Mediocrity
The performances? Well, let’s just say that James Brolin (as Wade) delivers a classic “I’m too handsome to be in this movie” performance, and it’s hard to blame him because, frankly, so are we. Brolin spends most of the film looking baffled, probably asking himself, “Did I really agree to this?” Kathleen Lloyd plays the concerned girlfriend, Lauren, who spends most of the time looking like she just stepped out of a low-budget soap opera. Ronny Cox, who I love in everything else, is criminally wasted here as Deputy Luke, whose job seems to be running after the car and getting completely steamrolled.
Honestly, there’s a decent ensemble cast here, but the real star is the car. It’s got more character development than most of the human beings in this film.
The Dialogue: Vroom Vroom, Vengeance
The dialogue in The Car is probably best described as “forgettable with a side of cheese”. There’s no memorable zingers, no snappy one-liners—just characters looking at each other with varying degrees of confusion and terror. And honestly, who can blame them? If you were trapped in a town where cars could apparently think and kill, I’m sure your emotional range would be limited to, “What the hell just happened?”
One line, though, is so ripe for the ages that it deserves its own Oscar nomination: “There’s a bald maniac in there, and he’s going batshit!” If that doesn’t encapsulate the absurdity of The Car, I don’t know what does.
The Effects: DIY Destruction, The Car Edition
As for the special effects, they’re pretty much what you’d expect from a 1977 horror flick: clunky, absurd, and hilariously over-the-top. The car crashes through gates, runs people over with all the finesse of a toddler playing Grand Theft Auto, and generally wreaks havoc like it’s auditioning for The Fast and the Furious.
The best bit? When the car refuses to enter the cemetery. Not because it’s a metaphor for evil being scared of good—nope, it’s just because the cemetery is “hallowed ground.” Apparently, Satan’s car doesn’t do well with consecrated dirt. Good to know.
The Ending: A “Car” Crash of Incoherence
The grand finale is a true masterpiece of absurdity. The plan? Set a trap for the car in a canyon, because that’s how you defeat a car. It works, sort of, in that the car goes over the cliff, explodes, and—surprise!—a demon’s face shows up in the flames because, well, why not?
Despite the fiery finale, The Car survives—still prowling the streets of Los Angeles—because apparently, some things just won’t die. Much like my hope for a coherent plot.
Final Thoughts: A Movie So Bad, It’s Almost Fun
In conclusion, The Car is a masterclass in bad horror. It’s the kind of film that looks like it was made by people who were all collectively stoned out of their minds and thought, “What if we made a horror movie, but the killer is just a car? And we have no budget for decent special effects?” And somehow, it works. Well, kind of.
If you’re in the mood for something so ridiculous that you’ll laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all, The Car is your ride. If you’re looking for a film that makes sense or has any kind of emotional payoff, buckle up and drive straight into something else.
