Murder, She Tweeted
If you’ve ever fantasized about tracking down that Twitter troll who called your work “trash” and politely removing his typing fingers with garden shears, The Columnist (2019) is the movie for you — equal parts social satire, bloodbath, and stress therapy for anyone who’s ever read an online comment section.
Directed by Ivo van Aart and starring the delightfully unhinged Katja Herbers, this Dutch black comedy thriller proves what we all secretly knew: the only thing scarier than online hate is what happens when your victims start fighting back — offline, with actual weapons.
The Premise: Keyboard Warriors, Meet Your Doom
Femke Boot (Herbers) is a columnist, novelist, and walking embodiment of the phrase “Please don’t read the comments.” She writes thoughtful pieces about free speech and civility, which of course earns her the kind of replies that make you question human evolution.
Every time she opens her laptop, she’s greeted by a wall of anonymous bile — death threats, sexist insults, accusations that she’s “ruining the Netherlands” — you know, typical internet discourse.
Between her struggling book project, a noisy neighbor, and an editor breathing down her neck, Femke’s mental stability is hanging by the thinnest of Wi-Fi signals. Then she discovers something shocking: her obnoxious neighbor, the one who blasts music and eats sandwiches like it’s a competitive sport, is one of her online harassers.
So naturally, she kills him.
And like any productive writer, she finds that murder really gets the creative juices flowing.
The Kill List: Revenge, Dutch-Style
After dispatching her first troll, Femke discovers that revenge is the ultimate self-care routine. No more yoga, no more affirmations — just cold-blooded retribution and a little light dismemberment.
She begins tracking down her online tormentors one by one. These are not criminal masterminds, mind you. Most of them are middle-aged losers typing from their basements in mustard-stained shirts. But that’s what makes it so satisfying.
Femke confronts them like a suburban avenging angel — calm, polite, and wielding a kitchen knife. It’s Dexter by way of Eat Pray Love, only with more body bags and fewer smoothies.
And each kill seems to unlock something inside her. Her mood improves. Her writing flourishes. She even starts a relationship with Steven (Bram van der Kelen), a fellow novelist who dresses like he’s auditioning for a Tim Burton reboot of Pride and Prejudice.
Femke’s life finally has balance — at least until her double life starts catching up with her, and the blood starts drying under her fingernails.
Katja Herbers: Patron Saint of Petty Revenge
Katja Herbers delivers a performance so razor-sharp it could slice through a comment thread. She plays Femke with a perfect mix of fragility and ferocity, giving us a protagonist who’s both sympathetic and terrifying.
Herbers understands that The Columnist isn’t about a psychopath — it’s about an ordinary woman finally snapping after years of anonymous cruelty. She’s not an evil genius or a slasher icon. She’s a burnt-out writer who got tired of hitting “block” and decided to hit “stab” instead.
There’s something darkly empowering in her calmness. She kills like she’s grocery shopping — focused, efficient, maybe a little bored. When she takes a finger as a trophy, it’s less “serial killer” and more “Pinterest project gone wrong.”
Satire in the Age of Outrage
What makes The Columnist more than just a revenge fantasy is how cleverly it skewers modern discourse. It’s not just about trolling — it’s about hypocrisy, performative morality, and the illusion of “free speech” online.
Femke writes columns about tolerance, then commits homicide in the name of inner peace. She rails against online hate, then becomes the very monster she despises. It’s delicious irony — like watching someone tweet “be kind” while holding a bloody crowbar.
Director Ivo van Aart never preaches. Instead, he turns social commentary into jet-black comedy. Every kill is framed with absurd normalcy. One minute, Femke’s plunging a knife into a troll’s chest; the next, she’s on TV promoting her upcoming book. It’s a perfect reflection of the internet’s moral schizophrenia — one tab for outrage, one tab for cat videos.
Supporting Cast: Victims of Convenience
Rein Hofman’s Arjen Tol, Femke’s editor, plays the quintessential “please just meet your deadline” boss, blissfully unaware that his star writer is moonlighting as a vigilante.
Bram van der Kelen’s Steven — a novelist so pretentious he probably types on a typewriter just to feel superior — becomes the film’s accidental moral compass. His growing suspicion and eventual confrontation with Femke lead to one of the film’s most gloriously awkward standoffs.
And then there’s Femke’s daughter, Anna (Claire Porro), an idealistic teen whose sense of morality directly clashes with her mother’s hobby of collecting fingers. Their relationship, at first loving, turns into a dark mirror — the young idealist versus the disillusioned adult.
When Anna eventually realizes what her mother’s been doing, the emotional fallout is brutal, absurd, and weirdly relatable to anyone who’s ever disappointed their family — though hopefully not by becoming a serial killer.
The Humor: As Black as Fresh Ink
The Columnist is hysterically bleak. Every scene hums with deadpan irony. Femke’s calm composure contrasts perfectly with the outrageousness of her actions.
There’s an especially brilliant sequence where she shows up to her book launch covered in blood, and everyone assumes it’s an “artistic statement.” Nobody questions it — because in the social media age, everything is performative. You can walk into a party looking like you just survived The Shining, and people will call it “avant-garde.”
It’s satire at its finest: absurd yet frighteningly believable.
Social Commentary Meets Splatter Comedy
The film’s genius lies in its tone. It’s not a straight-up slasher, nor a somber think piece. It’s a balancing act — a darkly comic fairy tale for the digital age, where trolls are the dragons and the heroine’s sword is a kitchen knife.
The cinematography reflects this duality beautifully. The world of The Columnist is clean, bright, and almost too perfect — like a social media feed full of curated happiness. The blood, when it comes, feels shockingly out of place, as if the film itself is horrified by the mess.
And yet, the violence feels earned. Every stab lands with grim satisfaction. It’s catharsis for anyone who’s ever typed a long, angry response and deleted it at the last second. Femke just never hits delete.
The Ending: The Ultimate “Like and Subscribe” Moment
By the film’s finale, Femke has gone full viral vigilante. She’s killed trolls, ruined relationships, and crossed every moral line. When she shows up to her own book launch still dripping blood, it’s the perfect metaphor for our culture — messy, performative, and applauded by people who don’t know what they’re clapping for.
Her audience cheers, not realizing they’re celebrating a murderer. It’s the most on-the-nose — and brilliant — joke in the film: nobody cares what you’ve done, as long as it looks good on camera.
Final Thoughts: Laugh, Then Lock Your Twitter
The Columnist is sharp, savage, and savagely funny — a dark mirror held up to the era of outrage and online obsession. It’s the rare film that makes you both laugh and nervously check your own search history.
Katja Herbers carries the film like a blood-soaked Joan of Arc for the chronically online, and van Aart’s direction balances horror and humor with surgical precision.
It’s not just a revenge story — it’s a commentary on digital hypocrisy, moral decay, and the seductive power of attention. In the world of The Columnist, even murder can be rebranded as self-expression.
Rating: 5 out of 5 severed fingers.
Because sometimes, the pen isn’t mightier than the sword — especially when the sword has Wi-Fi.
