There are bad movies, there are so-bad-they’re-funny movies, and then there’s The Minion (1998)—a film so profoundly confused about its own identity that it spends 95 minutes lurching between Indiana Jones, The Exorcist, and Die Hard 3, and manages to screw them all up simultaneously. Directed by Jean-Marc Piché, starring Dolph “I-must-break-you” Lundgren, and co-starring Françoise Robertson as “the woman tagging along because the script says so,” this is the kind of supernatural action-horror that exists solely to haunt the dusty shelves of Blockbuster’s bargain bin.
Plot: Jesus, Templars, and Other Things You Don’t Care About
The movie begins with a heavy-metal narration about the end of the millennium and how the Antichrist is going to be unleashed through a magic gate. A special key, guarded by the Templars since the days of Jesus, is the only thing that can open it. Already we’re in trouble. Anytime a movie starts throwing out phrases like “the last days of Jesus” and “the gate to Hell,” you know you’re about to watch theology by way of a Mountain Dew commercial.
Cut to New York City, Christmas 1999, where two sewer workers stumble on a Templar tomb under Manhattan. Because, sure, why not? New York is basically one giant supernatural subway map at this point. A Mohawk archeologist named Karen Goodleaf is called in to study it, only for the titular Minion—a demonic hitchhiker that body-jumps hosts like a satanic game of musical chairs—to show up and start killing people.
Enter Dolph Lundgren as Lukas Sadorov, a Templar knight disguised as a priest. He kills the Minion’s latest host with a spiked gauntlet punch to the throat (yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds) and retrieves the key. Karen insists on joining him because, well, someone needs to explain the plot while Dolph stares moodily into the middle distance. Together, they try to hide the key in a nuclear waste facility. Yes, the actual plan is to dump Hell’s key in glowing trash and hope the devil is afraid of radiation.
The Minion: Satan’s Worst Employee
The titular Minion isn’t a monster, not really. It’s more like an evil Airbnb guest: it just crashes inside the next body it can find and immediately trashes the place. The catch is that every time Dolph kills a host, the Minion respawns like it’s playing a really annoying round of Call of Duty. There’s no design, no flair—just random people turning evil and acting possessed. Sometimes it’s a professor, sometimes it’s a cop, sometimes it’s Karen’s grandfather in a hazmat suit. Imagine Satan outsourcing the apocalypse to a temp agency, and you’ve got the vibe.
Dolph Lundgren: Holy Warrior or Holy Awkward?
Dolph Lundgren has fought Ivan Drago, cyborgs, and alien drug dealers. But here, his greatest foe is dialogue. He plays Lukas Sadorov, a Soviet deserter turned Templar knight, which sounds badass on paper until you realize Dolph delivers every line like he’s trying to remember where he left his car keys.
Watching him explain the apocalypse with his thick accent is both hilarious and tragic. Lines like “The key must not fall into the hands of the Minion!” come out less like holy conviction and more like a bouncer telling you the club is closed. He punches, shoots, and grunts his way through the film, but somehow still manages to look bored, as if he knows the Antichrist isn’t half as terrifying as his agent who booked him in this mess.
Karen Goodleaf: Archeology Degree, Plot Armor
Françoise Robertson plays Karen, the archeologist who tags along. She’s smart, passionate, and—naturally—constantly ignored by Dolph until she becomes useful. She suggests hiding the key in a nuclear waste site (because nothing says “good plan” like turning the apocalypse into a potential Chernobyl 2), but mostly she’s here to provide exposition, scream when possessed people lunge at her, and exchange longing glances with Dolph.
At one point, she literally volunteers her childhood home’s radioactive wasteland as a storage unit for Hell’s spare key. Indiana Jones she ain’t.
Action: Spikes, Guns, and Endless Body Swaps
The action sequences are laughably uninspired. Dolph’s signature move is punching people in the throat with his spiked glove, which looks less like a medieval holy weapon and more like something rejected from Hot Topic’s clearance rack. Guns go off, cars flip, people explode—but none of it has weight. The editing is so choppy you’ll wonder if the film was cut on a blender.
The Minion’s constant body-swapping is supposed to create tension—anyone could be possessed!—but instead it just makes the movie feel repetitive. By the fifth host, you’re not scared anymore, you’re just tired. It’s like Freaky Fridaywith demons, only less fun.
Jerusalem Showdown: Discount Apocalypse
The climax takes place in Jerusalem, because of course it does. The Templars are there, still guarding the gate to Hell after a thousand years. The Minion arrives, wipes out most of them, and takes over Bernard, one of the knights. Cue Dolph battling a possessed man in robes while Karen fiddles with the key like she’s trying to open a stubborn can of pickles.
The Antichrist himself makes a cameo in the form of a smoky voice tempting them to open the gate. It’s supposed to be menacing, but it sounds like your uncle after three cigars. In the end, Dolph and Karen save the day, the gate is sealed, and Dolph solemnly declares his intent to rebuild the Templar order. Karen joins him, because apparently once you’ve spent a week around Dolph Lundgren, your only career path is nun-with-benefits.
Special Effects: Apocalypse on a Budget
The effects are pure SyFy Channel-before-the-SyFy-Channel-existed. The Minion’s possession scenes involve bad prosthetics and worse lighting. Explosions look like stock footage spliced in from an educational video about fire safety. The gate to Hell? It’s literally just a big door in a cave with some smoke. The Antichrist, the ultimate evil, is reduced to a screensaver.
Even the nuclear waste plant looks fake. It’s just a couple of pipes, some green lights, and extras pretending to be worried about radiation. You’ve seen scarier production design at a high school haunted house.
Final Verdict: Straight-to-Video Damnation
The Minion is a masterclass in wasted potential. The idea of a demonic spirit body-hopping toward the apocalypse could’ve been creepy. A Soviet Templar with a spiked glove could’ve been fun. Instead, it’s all squandered in a movie that looks and feels like it was shot on a long weekend with leftover props from a church play.
Dolph Lundgren deserves better, the audience deserves better, and the Antichrist deserves a scarier origin story than “Oops, almost got out, but Dolph punched me first.”
If you’re in the mood for a supernatural action flick, watch The Prophecy with Christopher Walken instead. If you want Dolph Lundgren, watch Universal Soldier or Rocky IV. If you want both? Well, you’re out of luck, unless you enjoy cinematic purgatory.
