“Vampires aren’t real,” said right before the screaming
There’s something immediately charming about a horror movie that starts with a guy interrupting a screening of Nosferatuto yell, “Vampires are real!” while everyone laughs at him like he’s just failed Intro to Subtlety. There’s No Such Thing as Vampires takes that wonderfully pulpy setup and then commits to it with indie-film enthusiasm, desert dust, and a cape-swirling villain who looks like he’s been waiting his whole undead life for this gig.
This is not slick, studio-polished horror. It’s an earnest, scrappy, genre-loving mash-up: part road movie, part chase thriller, part old-school vampire flick, with a dash of doomsday cult on the side. Think: Near Dark and The Terminatorwent to a Halloween party dressed as Nosferatu and someone filmed the whole thing.
Joshua, Ariel, and the Worst Night Ever
Our hero Joshua (Josh Plasse) opens the film at maximum panic, crashing into a midnight movie screening of Nosferatu to warn the audience that what’s on the screen is very much trying to murder him in real life. Predictably, everyone reacts like he’s just part of some strange PR stunt—until a cowled figure, Maximilian, appears, radiating “I did not come here to make friends” energy.
Joshua flees into the night, barreling out into the desert, and promptly collides with Ariel (Emma Holzer), a grad-student type whose biggest problem prior to this was, presumably, school and unresolved trauma—not “ancient evil.”
From there, we shift into an extended “strangers forced together by supernatural nonsense” road trip, with Joshua frantically trying to convince Ariel he’s not insane, and Ariel trying to reconcile:
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This random guy crashing into her life
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Her own eerie vision of her dead mother
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The fact that someone in a cape is apparently tracking them across the desert
On paper, it sounds ridiculous. On screen, it’s ridiculous and kind of fun.
Maximilian Maddox: Your New Favorite Drama Vampire
Aric Cushing’s Maximilian is not one of those “I sparkle in the sun and contemplate my feelings” vampires. He’s much more in the classic tradition of theatrical, sinister bloodsucker who enjoys the chase a little too much. Cloak? Check. Unnervingly calm demeanor? Check. Big villain energy? Very much check.
He taunts Joshua in the cinema, stalks him onto the road, and generally behaves like the universe’s most committed debt collector. The movie wisely doesn’t over-explain him—he feels like a figure that stepped out of an older, darker story and just decided to wreak havoc on millennials.
Is he subtle? Absolutely not. But this is a movie where a guy crashes Nosferatu to tell people vampires are real. This is not the time for nuance; this is the time for capes and menace.
Ariel: More Than Just the Girl in the Wrong Place
Emma Holzer’s Ariel could have been written as a disposable “girl who tags along and occasionally screams,” but the film gives her a bit more meat. She’s dealing with her own grief, manifested in a vision of her dead mother that appears just as everything goes sideways. That paranormal flare suggests her involvement isn’t random—she’s not just some poor soul Joshua bounced off of in the desert.
As the film progresses, Ariel becomes less “reluctant passenger” and more “partner in survival,” making decisions, pushing back on Joshua, and eventually accepting that the thing chasing them isn’t just a guy in weird cosplay. Her arc isn’t groundbreaking, but it’s grounded enough that you actually care if she survives this nonsense.
From Art House to Grindhouse: A Genre Cocktail
There’s a pleasingly chaotic tonal blend here:
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Meta horror: Opening inside a Nosferatu screening is a pretty loud wink at horror history.
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Road thriller: Once the chase kicks in, we get car scenes, highway paranoia, and that specific dread of being hunted in the middle of nowhere.
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Desert horror: Vast landscapes, empty gas stations, and the sense that civilization is a very long walk away.
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Religious/cult edge: Supporting characters like Sister Frank (Meg Foster) and the detectives circling the situation add a layer of “Is this bigger than just one vampire?”
The film doesn’t always blend these elements smoothly—you can occasionally feel the shifts—but there’s a sincere love of genre running through it. It’s like watching a filmmaker open their toybox and say, “We’re using all of it.”
Supporting Weirdos: Sister Frank and Barbecue Becky
The movie also benefits from a handful of memorable side characters who feel like they belong in their own late-night cult films.
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Meg Foster as Sister Frank brings that intense, otherworldly stare she’s famous for. She shows up like the desert’s unofficial apocalyptic guidance counselor, giving off major “I’ve seen things and I do not sleep well” vibes.
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Judy Tenuta as Barbecue Becky (yes, that’s the actual name, and yes, it’s delightful) adds a dose of oddball flavor that reminds you this movie is not here to be dour and self-serious.
These characters help widen the world beyond just “two kids and a vampire,” hinting at a tapestry of people orbiting the supernatural without turning the whole thing into lore overload.
Indie Budget, Big Enthusiasm
You can absolutely tell this is an indie production—but that’s not a bug; it’s part of the charm. You get:
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Practical effects instead of CGI sludge
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Real desert locations that actually look remote, not “five minutes off the highway in Burbank”
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A handful of sets, smartly reused
The filmmaking occasionally strains against its limits—you might notice some rough edges in pacing or coverage—but there’s a genuine “we really wanted to make this” energy that smooths a lot of the bumps.
Is it rough around the edges? Yes. Is it trying harder than half the soulless studio horror released the same year? Also yes.
Tone: Half Campfire Tale, Half Midnight Movie
There’s No Such Thing as Vampires works best if you approach it like a midnight festival movie with your brain set to “vibes first, logic second.” It’s got that gleeful, slightly unhinged tone that says:
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We know vampires are silly
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We also know vampires are fun
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We’re going to lean into both
The dark humor lives in the contrast between the situation’s absurdity and the characters’ total sincerity. Joshua really does believe he’s in a life-or-death struggle with an ancient predator. Meanwhile, the audience gets to enjoy the spectacle of a caped menace chasing him across America like a goth Terminator with better tailoring.
It’s the kind of film where you laugh with it rather than at it—most of the time, anyway.
Not Perfect, But Definitely Not Toothless
Let’s be honest: this isn’t a flawless gem. Some dialogue is clunky, the mythology is more suggested than fully developed, and a few scenes feel like they’re padding the runtime rather than deepening the story.
But the important part? It’s entertaining.
You’re never stuck in those dreadful horror dead zones where you’re just waiting for anything to happen. The movie keeps moving: from cinema to desert to side characters to ramped-up tension with Maximilian lurking like an extremely committed cosplayer of death.
And at the center of it all is a simple, effective core:
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A guy who knows what’s hunting him
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A girl dragged into his nightmare
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A monster who absolutely intends to finish what he started
Sometimes that’s all you need.
Final verdict: Stake? No. Sequel? Sure.
There’s No Such Thing as Vampires (2020) is the kind of horror flick that feels destined to be discovered at 1 a.m. on a streaming scroll or at a festival, where a slightly punchy audience can fully appreciate its mix of sincerity and camp.
It’s not out to reinvent vampires. It’s out to have a good time with them:
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Big cape, big chase, big feelings
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Indie grit with a nostalgic love for old horror
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Just enough heart and weirdness to make you root for it
If you like your horror scrappy, self-aware, and a little bit ridiculous—but in a loving way—this one’s worth a watch. Just maybe don’t heckle the guy who interrupts your Nosferatu screening. He might actually be right.
