Introduction: A Fangtastic Mess That Works Anyway
Every so often, a film shuffles out of the direct-to-video crypt wearing yesterday’s club clothes and says, “Yeah, I know I’m trash—but you love me anyway.” Thralls (2005), or Blood Angels for our Canadian cousins, is exactly that kind of movie. Directed by Ron Oliver (a man who seems to operate exclusively in the twilight zone between guilty pleasure and bargain-bin tragedy), Thralls gives us Lorenzo Lamas as a vampire crime boss, a gaggle of leather-clad half-vampire women, and a plot involving the Necronomicon, demon Belial, and a dance club in Iowa. Yes, Iowa. Move over, Transylvania—Cedar Rapids is where the action is.
This is not a good movie in any traditional sense. The acting ranges from “community theater rehearsal” to “soap opera on a Red Bull bender.” The effects look like they were borrowed from a freshman film class. And yet… it’s glorious. It’s fun. It’s a blood-soaked, neon-lit, cleavage-heavy reminder that horror doesn’t need to be “prestige” to be a good time.
The Plot: Step Up 2 the Undead
The story, such as it is, goes like this: Leslie (Leah Cairns) runs a nightclub that she totally didn’t finance with vampire mobster Mr. Jones’ (Lorenzo Lamas) money. She and her vampire-girl squad are “thralls”—half-vampires who don’t get the fun perks like flying or mind control. Instead, they get to run a club, wear tight pants, and occasionally drain thugs in alleys. Leslie’s sister Ashley (Siri Baruc) shows up after their abusive dad croaks, only to discover her sis is in the blood business.
From there it’s nightclub drama meets Buffy fanfiction: betrayals, leather pants, forbidden romances with nice guys named Jim, a transvestite blackmailer calling Mr. Jones “Elvis” (which earns them a bloody exit), and a demon resurrection plot straight out of Dungeons & Dragons: The Edgelord Campaign. By the time the Necronomicon shows up, you’re not even surprised.
It’s chaotic. It’s ridiculous. And it’s never boring.
The Thralls: Spice Girls of the Undead
What makes the film work is its gang of thralls—half-vampire women who act like they’re in a late-night CW pilot that never got picked up. Each has a gimmick:
-
Leslie (Leah Cairns): The leader, balancing sisterly love with running a blood-splattered dance club. Think “mom friend,” but with fangs.
-
Ashley (Siri Baruc): The wide-eyed newbie who falls for a mortal dude named Jim. She’s the “Bella Swan” prototype, only with more eyeliner.
-
Roxie (Fiona Scott): A DJ vampire who seduces Jim’s cousin. She dies early, proving once again that club DJs can’t catch a break.
-
Buzz (Lisa Marie Caruk): The tough one, who gets shot in the back with a silver bullet because apparently loyalty gets you nowhere in vampire girl gangs.
-
Lean (Sonya Salomaa): The traitor who betrays everyone for Jones, then cries when he tells her she’s not good enough to be a “real” vampire. Big “pick me” energy.
Together, they’re basically the Spice Girls of horror: Fangy Spice, Tragic Spice, Betrayal Spice, DJ Spice, and Dead Spice.
Lorenzo Lamas: Dracula Goes to Vegas
Ah, Lorenzo Lamas. Once the rugged star of Renegade, now reduced to playing Mr. Jones, a centuries-old vampire who dresses like a mobster going through a midlife crisis. His big villain energy amounts to yelling, smirking, and occasionally killing people who call him Elvis. He is neither scary nor subtle, but let’s be honest—Lorenzo Lamas is the reason this movie exists. Without him, this would be a forgotten episode of Charmed. With him, it’s a forgotten movie, sure, but at least it has a greasy, pompadoured centerpiece.
The Humor: Biting on Purpose
Here’s the thing: Thralls knows it’s ridiculous. The script has jokes, the acting leans into camp, and the club scenes look like they were filmed inside a Hot Topic clearance sale. The tone is “what if vampires, but also late-night cable comedy?”
Lines like “Don’t call him Elvis!” and the melodramatic betrayal speeches from Lean are so over-the-top you can’t help but laugh. And when the thralls cut Jones into pieces at the end, it feels less like horror and more like girl power fanfiction. Think Josie and the Pussycats, but with swords and blood.
The Violence: Bloody, Cheap, and Cheerful
The kills are low-budget but enthusiastic. Strippers get drained, a transvestite gets offed for sass, and half the cast meets their end via stabbing, biting, or betrayal. The effects aren’t good, but they’re delivered with such sincerity you can’t even be mad. Watching Jones get hacked up is cathartic—not because you hate him, but because the movie finally goes full grindhouse.
The Romance: Jim, Human Golden Retriever
Ashley’s romance with Jim (Shawn Roberts) is aggressively mediocre, but that’s what makes it work. Jim is the kind of guy who saves you from a thug, believes in you even when you’re half-vampire, and agrees to follow you to another city with your vampire girl gang. He’s not a character; he’s a golden retriever in human form. Honestly, he deserves a medal for not dying within five minutes.
The Betrayals: So Many Double-Crosses, So Few Brain Cells
Lean’s betrayal is the stuff of soap opera legend. She sells out her vampire sisters, murders half the cast, begs Mr. Jones to make her a “real vampire,” and then finds out he was lying the whole time. It’s tragic, it’s hilarious, and it ends with her getting staked because she literally falls on her boyfriend Rennie during a fight. If Shakespeare had written Jerry Springer,it would look a lot like this subplot.
The Ending: Girl Power with Bloodstains
The finale sees Ashley fully embracing her vampire side, teaming up with Leslie and Brigitte to take down Jones. They chop him into little pieces with a sword, sending a clear message: “Mess with us, get diced like holiday ham.” Jim joins the group, Jeff gets an ominous offer from Jones’ dismembered remains, and the thralls drive off into the night like a vampire version of Thelma & Louise.
It’s messy. It’s campy. It’s awesome.
Why It Works: The Joy of Trash
Yes, this is low-budget schlock. Yes, the dialogue sounds like it was written during a Red Bull bender. Yes, the effects are bargain-bin. But Thralls works because it embraces its trashiness. It’s self-aware, fun, and doesn’t waste time pretending it’s high art. It’s the kind of movie you put on at 2 AM with friends, laugh at the bad acting, and cheer when the vampire Spice Girls slice up their sleazy overlord.
Final Verdict: Blood Angels of Camp Cinema
Thralls isn’t scary. It isn’t serious. It isn’t even competent in the traditional sense. But it is fun. It’s campy, bloody, and unapologetically ridiculous—a vampire movie that wants to party, not preach.
So grab some popcorn, pour yourself a questionable cocktail, and enjoy watching Lorenzo Lamas play Dracula’s unemployed cousin while a group of vampire Spice Girls stab, betray, and sass their way through Iowa nightlife.
Because sometimes, the best horror movies aren’t the ones that scare you—they’re the ones that make you laugh so hard you choke on your popcorn. And for that, Thralls earns its fangs.
