Ah yes, Unholy. A movie that promises Nazi mysticism, U.S. government conspiracies, and witchcraft, but delivers all the thrills of watching your grandma read the fine print of her pharmacy receipt. Directed by Daryl Goldberg and starring Adrienne Barbeau and Nicholas Brendon, this straight-to-DVD wonder is like a History Channel “Secrets of the Third Reich” special—if it were directed by a hungover film student who just discovered The X-Files.
This is a bad movie. Not even fun-bad. Just bad-bad. But let’s get into it, shall we?
Plot? More Like a Government Experiment
The film follows Martha (Adrienne Barbeau), a grieving mother who stumbles into a Nazi occult conspiracy with her son (Nicholas Brendon). The pitch sounds promising: witches, Nazis, military cover-ups. It’s like someone dumped every horror cliché into a blender and hit liquify. Unfortunately, the script forgets the part where you’re supposed to strain out the chunks of nonsense.
The movie opens with the claim that it’s based on a real U.S. military document. Because nothing screams “authentic historical thriller” like a website that warns you not to download a file… while giving you a giant button labeled “CLICK TO DOWNLOAD.” I half-expected a pop-up ad for discount Viagra to appear mid-scene.
Adrienne Barbeau Deserved Better
Adrienne Barbeau, horror royalty thanks to Creepshow and The Fog, does her best here. But asking Barbeau to save Unholy is like asking a paper towel to stop a dam from bursting. She spends most of her screen time looking grim, sighing heavily, and muttering lines like, “The truth… the truth is worse than we could imagine,” while you, the viewer, imagine anything else you’d rather be doing.
Nicholas Brendon (yes, Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) plays her son. His performance suggests he signed on for this movie in exchange for free pizza and then immediately regretted it. Watching him try to sell dialogue about Nazi witches is like watching someone try to recite Shakespeare while standing in quicksand.
Nazis, Witches, and Conspiracies—Oh My
The story supposedly involves a Nazi occult experiment smuggled into Pennsylvania after World War II. Which sounds amazing on paper. You picture goose-stepping cultists summoning demonic forces in an underground bunker while soldiers desperately try to contain the evil. What you get instead is… a lot of walking through dimly lit rooms. And talking. Endless talking.
Imagine if Raiders of the Lost Ark cut out all the action scenes and replaced them with PowerPoint slides about classified documents. That’s Unholy.
And the witch? Oh yes, there’s a witch. She appears occasionally, mostly to remind you that, technically, this movie is supposed to be horror. She’s spooky in the same way your neighbor’s Halloween decoration looks spooky after it’s been left out in the rain for a month.
The Pacing: Slower Than a Zombie on Xanax
Unholy runs about 100 minutes, but it feels like 10,000. Every scene drags on just long enough for you to consider doing your taxes instead. Entire stretches of the film are devoted to Barbeau and Brendon staring at documents, muttering about “classified projects,” and occasionally squinting as if that alone will summon terror. Spoiler: it does not.
If pacing were a crime, this movie would be on death row.
Production Values That Make The Room Look Like Citizen Kane
Let’s talk production. This movie looks cheaper than a garage sale VHS tape. The lighting is so murky it feels like half the film was shot inside a shoebox. The sets look like abandoned boiler rooms dressed up with Christmas cobwebs. And the sound design? Imagine someone recording dialogue through a tin can connected by string.
Special effects? Oh, bless them, they tried. There’s some slime, a few flickering lights, and what looks suspiciously like someone’s cousin in a Party City robe. It’s less “terrifying Nazi occult experiment” and more “community theater’s dress rehearsal of Wolfenstein: The Musical.”
Attempts at Horror
There are jump scares, of course—because even the worst horror movie knows to toss one in every 20 minutes. But they’re the cinematic equivalent of someone sneezing loudly in a library. You’re startled, yes, but you’re not scared—you’re just annoyed.
As for gore? Barely there. If you came looking for buckets of blood or grisly Nazi rituals, you’re in for disappointment. The movie’s idea of horror is holding on Adrienne Barbeau’s face for 45 seconds while ominous violins drone in the background.
The Big Reveal (If You’re Still Awake by Then)
Eventually—after trudging through what feels like hours of mumbling about conspiracies—the film reveals that, yes, there’s a Nazi experiment, and yes, it involves occult nonsense, and yes, the government covered it up. But by the time this “twist” lands, you’re too numbed to care.
It’s like being told you’ve won the lottery after running a marathon in full clown makeup: theoretically exciting, but you’re too exhausted and humiliated to enjoy it.
The Real Horror: Wasting Adrienne Barbeau
Here’s the tragedy: Adrienne Barbeau is fantastic. She deserved a horror comeback vehicle that leaned into her charisma, her gravitas, her ability to scream while still looking badass. Instead, she got Unholy, a film where the real occult secret is how quickly it makes you reach for the fast-forward button.
Nicholas Brendon, meanwhile, looks like he’s wondering if it’s too late to call Joss Whedon and beg for a Buffy reunion.
The “Based on True Documents” Gimmick
The film heavily leans on its “based on real classified documents” angle. And yes, the website really did host these “documents.” But let’s be honest: if your movie needs a fake PDF on a clunky 2007 website to convince people it’s scary, you’ve already lost.
The “documents” themselves read like they were written by a freshman who just discovered Google Translate and a thesaurus. “We strongly advise you do not download this,” the site warns. Which is exactly what you’d say if your file was full of malware.
Final Verdict
Unholy is a mess. It’s a film that takes every juicy horror ingredient—Nazis, witches, conspiracies, Adrienne Barbeau—and somehow manages to cook up the cinematic equivalent of cold oatmeal. It’s too slow to be scary, too cheap to be atmospheric, and too self-serious to be campy fun.
If you’re fascinated by the idea of Nazi occult horror, just play Wolfenstein or rewatch Hellboy. If you want Adrienne Barbeau, revisit The Fog. And if you want conspiracy-laden creepiness, dust off The X-Files.
This movie’s title is accurate, though. It is indeed Unholy—an unholy mess, an unholy waste of talent, and an unholy way to spend 100 minutes of your life.
Final Rating: ☠️📂🕯️ (2 out of 10 “classified” PDFs)
The only true occult mystery here is how this movie got made at all.
