If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Julian Sands reprised his role as a demonic warlock but was forced to act inside a movie written by people who had only skimmed the instruction manual for Dungeons & Dragons, look no further than Warlock: The Armageddon. This 1993 supernatural horror sequel has almost nothing to do with the first Warlockfilm, and honestly, it might not even have anything to do with itself.
Directed by Anthony Hickox, this “film” (and I’m using that word generously) is less a coherent narrative and more a string of bad set-pieces tied together by rune stones, exploding people, and a finale where Satan is defeated by the equivalent of flipping on a light switch.
Julian Sands: The Best Part of a Dumpster Fire
Let’s start with Julian Sands. Returning as the Warlock—aka Satan’s son, aka the only person who looks like he actually got paid—Sands struts around in flowing black outfits, tossing off wicked little quips and killing people with more enthusiasm than the script deserves. He’s the only thing that works here, and even then, “works” is relative. It’s like saying the one tire still has air after your car has been hit by a train.
But even Sands can’t save a script that has him literally peeling flesh off a woman’s stomach to make a treasure map. That’s not Satanic horror—that’s arts-and-crafts with extra body fluids.
The Plot: Ancient Druids vs. Discount Hot Topic
The story kicks off with some Druids in the distant past trying to stop Satan’s son using six rune stones. They almost succeed, but Christians show up to burn the Druids because apparently the movie thought, “Why not throw in some religious intolerance while we’re here?” Most of the Druids die, the stones are scattered, and humanity is safe… until the 1990s, when the Warlock is reborn during an eclipse inside some poor girl’s kitchen.
That girl, Amanda, gets pregnant in about five seconds flat, gives birth in about thirty, and is dead by the one-minute mark. You’d think a virgin birth for Satan’s son would be handled with gravitas. Nope. It’s basically a bad PSA for the dangers of forgetting your birth control during a lunar eclipse.
From there, the Warlock spends the rest of the film hunting down rune stones and killing anyone who gets in his way, which would be scarier if the rune stones didn’t look like props from a third-grade geology fair.
Our Heroes: Kenny and Samantha, the Discount Druids
Enter Kenny and Samantha: two star-crossed lovers who also happen to be descendants of the Druids. Kenny’s dad kills him early on so he can be “reborn” as a Druid warrior—because, apparently, the most effective parenting technique is filicide by ritual stabbing. This leads to Kenny gaining powers that mostly amount to brooding, glowing a little, and yelling at Samantha.
Samantha herself is destined to be the Warlock’s final opponent, which the film telegraphs by making her the only character who remembers to bring the last rune stone to the climax. Their chemistry is flatter than Satan’s chances of winning a custody battle, and by the end, you’re not rooting for them—you’re rooting for the Warlock to kill them just to make the movie end quicker.
The Gore: Exploding People, Bad Puppets, and Latex Everywhere
The movie does at least try to give you gore, but in the most absurd ways possible. Victims explode into showers of goo at the slightest provocation, as though Satan’s true power is a stash of cherry pie filling. The effects are so cartoonishly bad you half-expect Wile E. Coyote to stagger out of the mess holding an Acme rune stone.
One highlight (if you can call it that): the Warlock skins Amanda’s stomach and makes a map out of it. The effect looks like a mix of Play-Doh and beef jerky. It’s less “terrifying Satanic ritual” and more “episode of Chopped gone horribly wrong.”
The Villagers: Pitchforks and Poor Acting
Because apparently one evil sorcerer and Satan himself weren’t enough, the film also gives us a group of intolerant villagers who harass Kenny and Samantha. They show up to remind us that not only does evil exist, but so does bad community theater. These people have less menace than a neighborhood watch group, and yet the script treats them like a serious threat.
The Climax: Evil Defeated by a Pickup Truck
Here’s where the movie truly shines in its stupidity. The Warlock gathers all six rune stones, opens a portal to Hell, and starts summoning Satan. We’re supposed to feel the weight of Armageddon. The fate of the world. The darkness rising.
What actually happens? Kenny and Samantha turn on the headlights of a nearby truck. That’s it. That’s the final battle. Not sacred Druid spells, not epic sacrifice—just Chevy saves the day.
The Warlock, Satan’s only begotten son, master of death and darkness, is killed by high beams. This is the supernatural horror equivalent of Dracula being defeated by a flashlight app on your phone.
The Soundtrack: Classically Misplaced
To add insult to injury, the film has a grandiose orchestral score by Mark McKenzie, which plays like it belongs in an actual movie rather than this bargain-bin disaster. The swelling strings and booming brass make the absurd visuals even funnier. Watching Satan’s son scream in terror at a Ford’s headlights while a symphony plays is one of the greatest unintentional comedies of the 1990s.
Final Thoughts: Satan Deserved Better
Warlock: The Armageddon wants to be an epic supernatural horror about good versus evil, Druids versus demons, light versus darkness. What it actually is: a glorified Saturday morning cartoon with gore effects and Julian Sands wondering if he should have fired his agent.
The movie isn’t scary. It isn’t thrilling. It isn’t even bad in a fun way. It’s just… dumb. Dumb to the point of being exhausting. By the time Satan is banished by a Dodge Ram, you’re not relieved that evil has been defeated—you’re relieved that the credits are rolling.
The first Warlock film at least had a sense of weird fun. This one? It’s all rune stones, no
