Ah, Wilderness. A title so vague it could mean anything: a serene camping documentary, a National Geographic special, or—as it turns out—an angry British slasher about juvenile delinquents, killer dogs, and a dad who really didn’t take his kid’s suicide well. Spoiler: the only thing more tortured than the characters is anyone who sits through this movie.
Juvenile Detention, Now With Extra Murder
The film starts in a juvenile facility where the inmates treat each other the way frat boys treat their livers: recklessly and without remorse. Davie, the resident punching bag, gets humiliated to the point that he slashes his wrists. This triggers the kind of logical government response you’d expect in Britain’s criminal justice system: “Send the entire gang of teenage psychopaths on a camping trip. What could go wrong?”
Enter Jed (Sean Pertwee), the world’s least inspirational group leader, tasked with turning these hooligans into better people through the power of teamwork, outdoor fun, and—oops—graphic disembowelments.
The Island Getaway From Hell
The kids are shipped off to a remote island for “team-building.” Nothing says bonding like being stalked by a grief-stricken dad with military skills and a whistle that commands a pack of murder dogs. Honestly, this is less Outward Bound and more “Saw Goes on Holiday.”
Within minutes, one of the group is missing, the campfire stories get weird, and the local flora starts looking less like scenery and more like a buffet line for the dogs. Spoiler alert: the dogs eat better than the humans in this movie.
Jed Gets a New Opening
The movie makes one thing clear: nobody is safe. Jed, the only adult with a shred of authority, gets turned into dog chow in one of the earliest and most stomach-churning deaths. He’s pinned down, disemboweled, and devoured while the kids scream. It’s gruesome, yes, but mostly it’s hilarious because you realize the only person who might’ve kept this Scooby-Doo gang alive just got turned into kibble. From here on out, it’s pure Darwinism, and spoiler: not one of these delinquents is going to win a survival award.
The Cast of Meat Puppets
The teenagers are less characters and more walking meat bags with accents.
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Steve (Stephen Wight): The alpha bully, full of bravado until survival requires more than urinating on people.
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Lewis (Luke Neal): Steve’s sidekick, destined for betrayal and a dog-related death.
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Blue (Adam Deacon): Thinks sexual assault is a fun team activity, which means the audience roots for his demise harder than for England in the World Cup.
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Lindsay (Ben McKay): The timid one, constantly crying, until he drops a twist so ridiculous it could’ve been written by M. Night Shyamalan’s intern.
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Callum (Toby Kebbell): Our reluctant anti-hero, a tough-but-silent type who ends up being less savior and more “guy who survives because the script says so.”
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Jo, Mandy, and Louise: The obligatory female characters who exist to prove that gender equality in horror means everyone gets to die horribly.
The Real Villain: Dad of the Year
The killer is revealed to be Davie’s dad, who, instead of therapy, decided “trained killer dogs and a crossbow spree” were the better coping mechanism. And really, who can blame him? He carves the letter “D” into corpses, hangs kids from trees like decorations, and sets traps that would make Wile E. Coyote proud. It’s a mix of slasher villain and overprotective PTA parent.
It’s never clear how he trained four German Shepherds to be loyal assassins, but honestly, that’s the most impressive part of the movie. Forget grieving father—this man could make millions as a dog trainer on TikTok.
Gore For Gore’s Sake
The kills are brutal. Bear traps, arrows, throat-slashing, immolation, dog attacks—it’s like the director picked every hunting method from Red Dead Redemption and said, “Let’s use them all.” Problem is, none of it’s scary. It’s gory, sure, but it plays like a greatest hits reel of “stuff horror fans have already seen, but cheaper.”
One character gets eaten alive by dogs. Another is torched in a trap while begging for help. Another gets shot in the head. And yet, not once do you feel tension. You feel like you’re watching a slasher film check off a to-do list.
The Script: Plot Holes Big Enough for a Pack of Dogs
The story limps along on clichés and contrivances. Characters randomly confess, alliances shift for no reason, and Lindsay delivers a twist so eye-roll inducing it deserves its own Razzie: he actually invited Davie’s dad to kill them all.Yes, because the best way to handle guilt over bullying is to send in a hitman father with pets from hell. Brilliant.
By the time Lindsay trips backward off a cliff to his death, you don’t know whether to laugh, clap, or demand a refund from Blockbuster (if it still existed).
Survival Cooking 101
One particularly ridiculous highlight: the group kills one of the attack dogs, chops off its head, and then cooks and eats it. That’s not survival—that’s desperation with seasoning. Watching them gnaw on Fido’s corpse feels less horrifying and more like a rejected episode of Hell’s Kitchen: Cannine Edition. I half-expected Gordon Ramsay to storm in and shout, “It’s raw!”
The Ending: A Mercy Kill for the Audience
By the end, Callum and Mandy are the last survivors. Davie’s dad bleeds out from an axe wound after a very anticlimactic fight. Callum delivers the profound line: “Everyone died on the island.” Yes, Callum, thank you for the recap. We noticed.
They sail away, traumatized but alive, leaving behind a trail of corpses, barbecue dog bones, and the knowledge that maybe the juvenile justice system should rethink its approach to “team building.”
Why Wilderness Fails
The problem isn’t just that Wilderness is derivative—it’s that it’s mean-spirited in a way that’s not even entertaining. Good slashers let you root for survivors, laugh at creative kills, or at least enjoy the ride. Here, you’re stuck with a bunch of irredeemable jerks being picked off while the movie yells, “This is gritty and realistic!”
It’s not. It’s just miserable. It’s like Lord of the Flies, if William Golding had written it drunk on cheap whiskey while watching Deliverance.
Final Verdict
Wilderness tries to be a gritty British slasher but ends up as a two-hour PSA for why you should never go camping with delinquents. It’s violent but never scary, gory but never clever, and cruel but never cathartic.
The only wilderness worth remembering here is the vast, empty desert where the script’s logic should be.
