Introduction: The Hoff Meets the Hex
Somewhere in the cinematic underworld, a witch whispered into a producer’s ear: “David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair in a haunted hotel movie—it cannot fail.” Unfortunately, it could, and it did. Witchery (also known as La Casa 4 in Italy, because why not attach random “sequels” to movies that aren’t related?) is a horror film that fails so hard, it feels like the witch cursed the audience instead of the characters.
If you ever wanted to see Baywatch’s David Hasselhoff trying to look serious in a Scooby-Doo episode rewritten by Satan’s interns, this is your chance. And yes, Linda Blair’s in it too, because nothing screams career revival like spending 90 minutes possessed by a script that should’ve been burned in pre-production.
The Setup: Haunted Hotels and Haunted Careers
We open on Leslie (Leslie Cumming), a sexually repressed virgin and student—because horror movies treat virginity like it’s Chekhov’s gun. She and her photographer boyfriend Gary (David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff) head to an island off Massachusetts to investigate a derelict hotel supposedly haunted by a witch. The hotel is so decrepit it looks like even the rats demanded a union before working there.
Meanwhile, the Brooks family arrives. Rose (Annie Ross), a greedy matriarch who thinks capitalism can’t fail, wants to buy the hotel and turn it into a private club. She’s joined by her husband Freddie (Bob Champagne, delivering a performance as fizzy as flat soda), her pregnant stepdaughter Jane (Linda Blair, apparently blackmailed into this role), and her little son Tommy, whose only purpose is to carry a tape recorder that will become a plot device later.
Also tagging along: Linda (Catherine Hickland), a lustful architect, and Jerry (Rick Farnsworth), the real estate agent who oozes slime so well he probably didn’t need makeup.
The storm rolls in, the island is cut off, and the witch decides it’s murder o’clock.
The Witch: Lady in Black, Lady in Bland
The villain here is the Lady in Black, played by Hildegard Knef, who once had a glamorous career but now gets to scream through heavy eyeliner while cursing B-list actors. She was a movie star turned witch, which sounds like an autobiography waiting to be written, but here it just means she stalks people in gauzy lighting, looking like she’s auditioning for a shampoo commercial shot in hell.
Her ritual requires four ingredients: greed, lust, a pregnant woman, and a virgin. Basically, the writer just picked out random character bios and thought, “Perfect, that’s my ritual.”
The Kills: A Witch’s Grab Bag
The deaths in Witchery are as creative as a tax audit:
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Rose (the greedy matriarch): Burned alive. Which is fitting, because her acting was already toast.
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Linda and Jerry (the horny ones): They get crucified mid-coitus, proving that in horror films, sex really does kill. Also, it’s the only time crucifixion has looked boring.
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Freddie (the useless husband): Dies so forgettably I had to double-check if he was ever alive.
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Gary (The Hoff): Yes, even The Hoff doesn’t make it out alive. He gets picked off like a background extra. You’d think his chest hair could’ve deflected evil, but no.
And then comes Leslie’s big moment: she gets raped by a demon during a Satanic ceremony. The scene is gross, exploitative, and filmed with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer through drywall. It’s supposed to be shocking, but really it’s just uncomfortable and sleazy, like the movie itself.
Linda Blair: From The Exorcist to This
Linda Blair deserves a medal for surviving this shoot. She plays Jane, the pregnant stepdaughter, who spends most of the movie crying, gasping, and eventually getting possessed. Watching her in Witchery is like watching a once-great athlete forced to play in a local clown league.
By the climax, Jane is choking her little brother Tommy under the witch’s control. The scene could’ve been horrifying if not for the fact that Tommy’s weapon of salvation is… a tape recorder playing a cheesy message of love. Yes, a Radio Shack tape deck defeats the witch. Who knew Satan’s weakness was outdated audio equipment?
David Hasselhoff: Knight Rider, Wrong Script
Let’s talk about Hasselhoff. This was before Baywatch, back when he was mostly known for Knight Rider. Here, he tries to play the brooding boyfriend Gary, but mostly he just squints at things like he’s trying to remember if he left his car headlights on. His camera is supposed to document the haunting, but he spends most of his time documenting how little effort he can put into the role.
When he dies, the movie doesn’t even give him a dramatic sendoff. It’s like the director realized mid-shoot, “Crap, we have Hasselhoff, don’t we? Better kill him before he figures it out.”
The Ritual: Satan’s To-Do List
The witch’s plan is hilariously basic:
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Find greedy capitalist → check.
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Find lusty couple → check.
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Find pregnant woman → check.
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Find virgin → awkwardly harass Leslie until she checks that box.
This “ritual” feels less like dark magic and more like a bad game of The Sims. By the time the witch rapes Leslie with a demon and then possesses Jane, you’re not horrified—you’re exhausted.
The Climax: Tape Recorders Save the Day
The grand finale is Jane trying to kill her little brother while possessed. Tommy’s tape recorder, which up until now has been Chekhov’s Dictaphone, plays his pre-recorded love message. It breaks the witch’s hold just long enough for Jane to hurl herself out a window. The witch is defeated not by courage, holy water, or fire—but by a Maxell cassette tape. Truly, the devil fears nothing more than 1980s technology.
Leslie, the lone survivor besides Tommy, wakes up in a hospital and discovers she’s pregnant from the demonic rape. Roll credits. Thanks, movie. Way to really stick the landing by combining misogyny, nihilism, and poor taste into one final punch.
Production “Values”
The film was cobbled together by producers who treated continuity like a suggestion. It borrows its score from Killing Birds (because recycling is important, even in hell) and it looks like it was filmed in an abandoned Holiday Inn that already had ghosts of unhappy customers.
The storm effects look like someone flicked the lights while shaking a sheet of tin. The gore is cheap, the atmosphere nonexistent, and the editing so bad you’d think the witch hexed the splicer.
Why It Fails (Spectacularly)
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Exploitation over terror: Instead of atmosphere, we get demonic rape scenes and half-baked gore.
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Flat characters: Every role is a cliché on autopilot. Virgin, slut, capitalist, pregnant woman—someone literally wrote these as labels on the script.
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Waste of actors: Linda Blair deserves better. Hasselhoff deserves at least a slow-mo beach run, not this.
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Climax powered by Radio Shack: Nothing screams anticlimax like a cassette tape saving the world.
Final Verdict: A Hex on All Who Watch
Witchery is the cinematic equivalent of a cursed VHS tape you find in a bargain bin: you press play, and the real horror is wasting your evening. It’s sleazy without being shocking, dull without being atmospheric, and ridiculous without being fun.
If you want a haunted hotel movie, watch The Shining. If you want witches, watch Suspiria. If you want David Hasselhoff fighting evil, just imagine it—it’ll be better than this.
