There are two types of people in this world: those who hear “ballerina vampire child murders hardened criminals in a mansion” and say absolutely not, and those who say inject that into my veins immediately.
Abigail is proudly, exuberantly made for the latter group.
Directed by Radio Silence duo Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett — the same beautiful maniacs who resurrected Scream — Abigail is a genre-bending creature: part kidnap thriller, part vampire splatterfest, part comedy, part family therapy session for the undead.
It’s a delightfully messy, blood-soaked ballet where every character is either a predator, prey, or someone discovering they’re very bad at vampire lore despite watching Buffy reruns.
And the best part?
It’s actually good.
A Kidnapping Gone Spectacularly Wrong (And So, So Right for the Audience)
Our story begins with six criminals who assemble like a Dollar Store version of the Reservoir Dogs lineup. They kidnap sweet little Abigail, a 12-year-old ballerina with big eyes, a soft voice, and the emotional availability of a Disney princess.
Naturally, she’s also a centuries-old vampire murder prodigy who can decapitate you mid-pirouette.
The kidnappers think they’re in for a weekend of babysitting.
They are not.
They think they’re being paid $7 million each.
They are not.
They think the biggest concern is her mob-boss father paying ransom.
They are very incorrect.
This is the cinematic equivalent of watching a group of adults break into a house thinking there’s a normal cat inside… only to discover it’s a mountain lion wearing a tutu.
Alisha Weir’s Abigail: The Tiny Queen of Carnage
Alisha Weir gives the kind of performance that makes you want to call Hollywood and say, “Yes, hello, please raise her salary immediately before she turns all of us into thralls.”
Her Abigail is:
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adorable
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terrifying
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charming
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feral
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a little unhinged
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a little sad
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and incredibly good at removing heads
She does ballet. She does murder. She does emotional trauma. She does sass. She does it all in sparkly costumes like she’s auditioning for So You Think You Can Slay.
She’s the pint-sized horror icon we didn’t know we needed.
The Criminal Lineup: Professional Idiots, Glorious Fodder
Every criminal has personality, charisma, and the survival instincts of a wet cardboard box.
Joey (Melissa Barrera)
A military medic recovering from addiction, and the only one with a soul. She sees Abigail and goes, “Oh no, a child!”
Everyone else sees Abigail and goes, “Let’s tie her up and hope nothing bad happens.”
Joey’s maternal instincts turn her into the group’s only moral compass — which, in a horror-comedy, means she will suffer the most.
Frank (Dan Stevens)
Dan Stevens is having the time of his life playing a corrupt ex-cop whose entire personality is “I can fix this with violence.”
He is wrong.
He is so wrong it loops around and becomes comedy.
Sammy (Kathryn Newton)
A rich thrill-seeking hacker whose entire vibe screams “I got grounded once and still haven’t forgiven anyone.”
She keeps a taser in her pocket like it’s lip balm.
Rickles (Will Catlett)
The sniper with principles. A man who believes in honor, grit, and tragically doing cardio in a house with a vampire.
Peter (Kevin Durand)
A human brick with the IQ of warm bread.
His fight scenes? Amazing.
His emotional stability? Nonexistent.
Dean (Angus Cloud)
A chaotic driver who seems confused about whether he’s in a crime thriller, a comedy sketch, or a music video.
Before long, half the group is dead, undead, or trying to negotiate with a vampire child like she’s cranky after ballet practice.
Vampire Rules? Throw Them Out. Abigail Doesn’t Care.
Garlic doesn’t work.
Crucifixes don’t work.
Stakes don’t work.
Abigail laughs at them like a kid who’s already beaten the game.
It’s refreshing to see a movie break from the usual vampire rulebook — and funnier to watch grown criminals panic as everything they learned from Blade completely betrays them.
It’s the cinematic equivalent of watching someone try to use a TikTok life hack in real life.
The Bloodbath Ballet: Gory, Gorgeous, and Hilariously Violent
The action choreography is gleefully absurd — imagine Black Swan but with 200% more severed limbs.
Highlights include:
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Abigail launching herself like a sugar-fueled missile
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full hallway fights lit like a music video
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vampire transformations that look painful but fashionable
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limbs flying, jugulars bursting, and more arterial spray than a Tarantino-branded water park
Radio Silence knows how to shoot gore with style.
It’s disgusting.
It’s glorious.
It’s borderline art.
Dad of the Year: Kristof Lazaar (Matthew Goode) Appears, Being Very Normal (He’s Not)
When the big bad arrives, he looks like the kind of vampire who would both tuck you into bed and also drink 80% of your blood while you slept.
Kristof Lazaar is equal parts:
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refined
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unhinged
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terrifying
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emotionally unavailable
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disappointed in his daughter
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probably reading Machiavelli as bedtime stories
When he threatens Joey, Abigail tells him off with the attitude of a middle-schooler whose father embarrassed her at a recital.
It is magnificent.
Joey: The Final Girl We Needed
Melissa Barrera gives Joey weight, warmth, and a punching power rivaled only by her ability to threaten vampires with parental guilt.
Her bond with Abigail feels real — two broken people finding something resembling love amid carnage.
Their team-up at the finale is the Girlboss Vampire Slay™ moment we deserve.
Frank: The Mid-Movie Plot Twist That Goes Full Goblin Mode
Frank gets turned into a vampire and immediately makes it everyone’s problem.
He gets:
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super strength
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super speed
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zero intelligence
Watching Dan Stevens play a freshly turned vampire is like watching someone discover cocaine and power tools at the same time.
It is glorious.
**Why Abigail Works:
Because It Knows It’s Ridiculous — and Leans In**
This movie succeeds because:
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it’s funny without being parody
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it’s gory without being grim
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it’s heartfelt without being sappy
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it loves its characters
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it loves its monsters
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it knows exactly what it is: a stylish, blood-drenched good time
Radio Silence brings the same mix of sincerity and chaos that made their Scream movies so fun.
Final Verdict: Abigail Is a Bloody, Ballerina-Sharp Blast
Abigail is:
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a riot
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a thrill
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a blood fountain
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a character-driven comedy
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an unexpectedly emotional story about found family
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a vampire movie that eats other vampire movies for breakfast
It’s stylish, funny, heartfelt, and absolutely soaked in gore.
If you want:
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chaos
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humor
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action
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ballet
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vampires
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Dan Stevens going absolutely feral
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a tiny ballerina executing grown men
…then Abigail is the horror-comedy delicacy you’ve been waiting for.
Just bring a poncho.
It gets messy.
