Welcome to Missouri, Where the Aliens Are Bored Too
There’s a special kind of irony in watching a movie about soulless, emotionless duplicates—and realizing the film itself might be one of them. Assimilate (2019), directed by John Murlowski, is a loose retelling of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, if the pod people also ran a failing YouTube channel and the entire invasion took place in a town so dull even the aliens can’t muster enthusiasm.
It’s not the worst thing ever made—there are performances, there are lights, the camera does move occasionally—but it’s like eating plain oatmeal that’s trying to scare you. It’s horror for people who find The X-Files “a bit much.”
YouTubers vs. Aliens: The Crossover No One Asked For
Our heroes are Zach (Joel Courtney) and Randy (Calum Worthy), two small-town bros running a YouTube “news” channel with approximately twelve subscribers, most of them bots and one guy named Steve. They film everything—school, bugs, their crushes, the occasional minor conspiracy—hoping something interesting will finally happen. Spoiler alert: it does, but not in the way that improves their view count.
Zach pines for Kayla (Andi Matichak), a girl who is clearly way out of his league and only exists to prove that hormones survive the apocalypse. She’s got family drama, he’s got a drone, and together they’re as exciting as two wet socks in a thunderstorm.
The first act plays like a Hallmark movie interrupted by alien spores. Ms. Bisette, the local “weird old lady” archetype, warns them about bugs behaving strangely. When she says, “It bit me!” you’d think that’d be a red flag. Instead, the boys shrug and head home, probably to edit footage of squirrels.
The Horror (and I Use That Word Generously)
Things escalate—slowly, painfully, and with all the tension of a damp napkin. People start acting emotionless, including the local sheriff and the pastor, but to be fair, they might just be Midwestern.
Soon, our trio of teens discovers that parasitic bugs are cloning people, replacing them with perfect replicas who shop at Kohl’s and smile like they’re in a toothpaste commercial. There’s even a scene where Zach finds his mom in a hamper, and somehow it’s less horrifying than most laundry days.
Deputy Josh Haywood (Cam Gigandet) briefly shows up, proving that even aliens can’t resist casting one generic handsome white guy in uniform. He’s skeptical, of course—because in every invasion movie, law enforcement’s primary role is to tell protagonists to calm down while standing in front of obvious cosmic evil.
Eventually, everyone gets replaced. The bugs multiply, the clones stare blankly, and the budget visibly runs out.
Acting So Wooden, the Trees Are Jealous
Joel Courtney (Super 8) plays Zach with all the charisma of a malfunctioning Roomba. His facial expressions range from “mildly concerned” to “vaguely constipated.” Calum Worthy, bless him, seems to think he’s in a Disney Channel original movie about friendship. And Andi Matichak (Halloween) tries her best, but her job mostly involves screaming “Zach!” while tripping over debris.
The aliens themselves deserve better material. They don’t even get creepy pods—just bad CGI bugs that look like rejected Pokémon. When one of them crawls across an apple, it’s less “terrifying” and more “wow, someone really needs to call pest control.”
Even the clones are unconvincing. Instead of eerie detachment, they look like interns waiting for the director to yell “cut.” Imagine Westworld robots, but they’re powered by decaf.
Missouri: The Real Villain
Let’s take a moment to talk about the setting. The town in Assimilate is supposed to be a slice of Americana—but it’s so generic it could be anywhere: Missouri, Nebraska, or a particularly uninspired backlot in Georgia.
There’s not a single distinguishing feature. No landmarks, no sense of community, no quirky local diner run by a sassy waitress named Carol. It’s like someone fed the concept of “Small Town USA” into an AI that had a stroke.
When the aliens take over, it’s honestly hard to tell the difference. They act weirdly? Sure. But they’re not exactly replacing a vibrant society. The scariest thing about this town is how everyone willingly hangs out at the same convenience store every night.
Pacing So Slow You’ll Get Assimilated by Boredom
You’d think a movie about shape-shifting aliens would, at minimum, move faster than a DMV line. Nope. Assimilatespends a good forty minutes on setup—introducing characters who immediately become irrelevant, establishing relationships that go nowhere, and showing endless footage of people walking into barns.
When the action finally arrives, it’s like someone pressed “play” on a student film that forgot to include sound effects. A few chase scenes, some awkward jump scares, and lots of running through the woods—because when in doubt, run into the forest, where nothing bad ever happens.
Even the “big twist” that Randy has been replaced is telegraphed so far in advance that you can see it coming from space. If you can’t guess it by the halfway point, congratulations—you might be one of the clones.
Dialogue Written by an Alien Trying to Sound Human
The script is a gift that keeps on confusing. Here’s an approximate transcript of 80% of the movie:
“Something’s not right.”
“You’re just being paranoid.”
“No, seriously, something’s wrong!”
“Stop overreacting.”
Cue ominous bug noise
It’s like Body Snatchers rewritten by Siri. Every line is either exposition, panic, or painfully forced banter. At one point, Zach actually says, “We have to tell the world!”—as if the world doesn’t have bigger problems than rural Missouri.
There’s also a subplot about uploading a vlog to YouTube to warn humanity, because apparently the fate of mankind depends on subscriber engagement. Imagine if War of the Worlds ended with Tom Cruise hitting “upload” and waiting for the Wi-Fi to reconnect.
The Ending: Humanity Loses, Audience Wins (Because It’s Finally Over)
By the time our heroes flee into the woods, you’ll be cheering—not for their survival, but because you can finally stop watching. The final scenes show the infection spreading worldwide, complete with stock footage of major cities and the most unconvincing CGI flames since Sharknado 4.
Zach and Kayla cuddle, crying over humanity’s extinction. But honestly, after spending ninety minutes with these people, the apocalypse feels like a mercy killing.
Then the film ends with a YouTube comment section—because nothing says “cinematic gravitas” like emojis and hashtags. Somewhere, Orson Welles is spinning in his grave fast enough to generate renewable energy.
A Body Snatcher Without a Soul
The saddest part of Assimilate is that the original Body Snatchers story was—and still is—a brilliant allegory about paranoia, conformity, and the fragility of identity. This film has none of that. It’s just a bunch of teenagers shouting at bugs in a town that deserves to be invaded.
There’s no atmosphere, no tension, and no point. It’s like someone watched Stranger Things and said, “Let’s do that, but cheaper, and with fewer interesting things happening.”
Final Verdict: The Real Horror Is the Runtime
Assimilate tries to warn us about losing our humanity, but it’s hard to care when the film itself has none. It’s not scary, it’s not funny, and it’s not even bad in an entertaining way—it’s just… beige.
Final Score: 1.5 out of 5 Emotionless Drones
Watch it if you’re a masochist, or if you’re studying how not to adapt classic sci-fi. Otherwise, skip it and rewatch Invasion of the Body Snatchers—any version, really. Even the 1978 one with Donald Sutherland pointing and screaming feels more alive than anyone in Assimilate.
In the end, the aliens win. But so do you, the moment you hit “stop.”
