A Sequel Nobody Asked For to a Movie Nobody Quite Remembered There are many ways to make a horror sequel: you can expand the mythology (Aliens), reinvent the formula (Evil Dead II), or — if you’re The Pact 2 — you can awkwardly reheat the leftovers of the first film and hope no one notices … Read More “THE PACT 2 (2014): NOW WITH 50% LESS SENSE AND 100% MORE BOREDOM” »
When the Lights Go Out, the Logic Goes With It There are bad horror movies, and then there are horror movies so mind-numbingly dull that you start rooting for mercury poisoning just to feel something. Out of the Dark (2014) — not to be confused with the dozen other films with the same name that … Read More “OUT OF THE DARK (2014): GHOSTS, MERCURY, AND A PAPER MILL OF PAIN” »
A Course in Murder, Mediocrity, and Misused Tom Sizemore If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a true-crime podcast was turned into a student film and then accidentally left in the microwave, Murder 101 has your answer. Directed by Michael Phillip Edwards and starring the perpetually exasperated Tom Sizemore, this 2014 direct-to-DVD horror-thriller promises … Read More “MURDER 101 (2014): THE HORROR CLASS NOBODY PASSED” »
The Monster’s Missing, But the Boredom Isn’t There are bad sequels, and then there’s Monsters: Dark Continent — a film so profoundly confused about what it wants to be that it ends up being about absolutely nothing. It’s not a war movie. It’s not a monster movie. It’s not even an anti-war movie. It’s just … Read More “MONSTERS: DARK CONTINENT (2014): WAR IS HELL, AND SO IS THIS MOVIE” »
Stephen King Meets AARP Horror Hour There are few things scarier than visiting your elderly grandmother — the smell of mothballs, the unsolicited life advice, the mysterious casserole that seems to regenerate every time you visit. But Mercy (2014), based loosely on Stephen King’s short story Gramma, takes the concept of “scary grandma” and cranks … Read More “MERCY (2014): GRANDMA’S GOT A DEMON, AND SHE’S NOT SHARING HER PRESCRIPTION” »
Baby Blues, Bad Vibes, and Brooklyn Satanists Lyle (2014) is one of those indie horror films that desperately wants to be called “atmospheric” but mostly feels like waiting for your Uber in a haunted apartment. Written and directed by Stewart Thorndike, it’s been proudly billed as a “lesbian Rosemary’s Baby.” Which sounds intriguing — until … Read More “LYLE (2014): WHEN “LESBIAN ROSEMARY’S BABY” TURNS INTO “AIRBNB WITH PARANOIA”” »
There’s No Gold Here, Only Pain Ah, Leprechaun: Origins — the movie that took a franchise built on campy Irish puns, tiny top hats, and creative kills involving pogo sticks… and decided what it really needed was gritty realism, zero humor, and a monster that looks like a melted avocado. This isn’t just a bad … Read More “LEPRECHAUN: ORIGINS (2014): WHEN THE RAINBOW ENDS IN A PILE OF REGRET” »
Popcorn, Projectors, and Poor Decisions There’s a special kind of irony in a movie about a man furious that modern horror films have become cheap and soulless — only for The Last Showing to prove him completely right by being exactly that. Directed by Phil Hawkins and starring horror legend Robert Englund (yes, Freddy Krueger … Read More “THE LAST SHOWING (2014): WHEN THE REAL HORROR IS THAT YOU PAID TO WATCH IT” »
Welcome to the Grindhouse, Population: Regret If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Texas Chain Saw Massacre had a bachelorette party and invited Showgirlsand Hooters as guests, The Ladies of the House is your answer — and it’s not a good one. John Stuart Wildman’s 2014 exploitation debut tries to be a feminist revenge … Read More “THE LADIES OF THE HOUSE (2014): WHEN CANNIBAL FEMINISM GOES HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG” »
Welcome Back to the House That Hates You By 2014, the Ju-on franchise had already spawned more sequels, remakes, and haunted real estate listings than any single ghost story deserves. You’d think after a decade of death rattles, cursed VHS tapes, and contorted spine-crawling, Japan would’ve declared the Saeki house a national biohazard site. But … Read More “JU-ON: THE BEGINNING OF THE END (2014): A BEAUTIFULLY BONKERS REBOOT OF JAPAN’S FAVORITE CURSED HOUSE” »