Welcome to Maine, Population: Bad Decisions If you’ve ever wanted to watch Naomi Watts argue with her house, Shut In (2016) is the movie for you. Directed by Farren Blackburn and written by Christina Hodson, this supposed “psychological horror thriller” feels like someone tried to remake Misery, The Sixth Sense, and Misunderstood Pharmaceutical Ads all … Read More “Shut In (2016): A Thriller So Dull You’ll Wish You Were in a Coma Too” »
When Evolution Says “Screw It” In the glorious cesspool that is B-movie horror, Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre reigns as a glittering, blood-soaked gem. Directed by Jim Wynorski — the man who never met a plot he couldn’t fix with cleavage, explosions, or rubber monsters — this 2016 sci-fi-action-horror hybrid delivers exactly what its title promises: … Read More “Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2016): Sharks, Swamps, and Shenanigans — The B-Movie Buffet You Didn’t Know You Needed” »
Welcome to the Startup from Hell—Literally Some horror movies make you scream because they’re terrifying. Others make you scream because you’ve wasted 90 minutes of your life. #Screamers (2016) lands squarely in the second category. Directed by Dean Matthew Ronalds, this film attempts to blend found-footage horror with startup culture, and the result is a … Read More “#Screamers (2016): A Startup So Boring Even the Ghosts Unsubscribed” »
Welcome to Hell — Population: Four Annoying Tourists Every year, a horror movie comes along that reminds you hell isn’t a place you go when you die — it’s a movie you accidentally rent. Satanic (2016), directed by Jeffrey G. Hunt and written by Anthony Jaswinski, is one such unholy experience. It’s a movie about … Read More “Satanic (2016): A Hellishly Boring Road Trip to Nowhere” »
The Rupture That Should’ve Stayed Contained There are bad horror movies, and then there’s Rupture—a film that manages to make “woman evolves into spider-person” sound like a tax seminar. Directed by Steven Shainberg (Secretary, the sexy one, not The Secretary Who Got Kidnapped by Discount X-Files Villains), this 2016 sci-fi thriller had everything going for … Read More “Rupture (2016): A Science Experiment Gone Horribly, Boringly Wrong” »
Welcome to the Haunted House of Sleep There are horror movies that make your heart race, horror movies that make you scream, and then there’s The Remains—a movie that makes you question your life choices and your caffeine intake. Written and directed by Thomas Della Bella, this 2016 film is what happens when a director … Read More “The Remains (2016): The House That Bored Itself to Death” »
Welcome to Veterinary School, Where the Real Curriculum Is Cannibalism Every year, film festivals promise to deliver “something you’ve never seen before.” Most of the time, that means another indie drama about sad people in sweaters. But then Raw (Grave, if you want to sound cultured) hit Cannes in 2016, and audiences literally fainted. Yes, … Read More “Raw (2016): The Rare Coming-of-Age Movie That Really Gets Under Your Skin” »
When Nature Bites Back (and Takes the Tram) Ah, Rey—or, as the English-speaking world knows it, Uncaged. It’s the 2016 Dutch action-comedy-horror hybrid from Dick Maas, the same mad genius who once gave us The Lift (yes, a movie about a homicidal elevator). This time, he upgrades from vertical transportation to the entire food chain: … Read More “Rey (a.k.a. Uncaged, 2016): Amsterdam’s Mane Event” »
When the Dolls Should’ve Stayed in the Box You know a horror sequel is in trouble when its title sounds like a rejected Chucky spin-off. Playing with Dolls: Bloodlust—written, directed, and presumably regretted by Rene Perez—is the 2016 follow-up to Playing with Dolls, a movie that no one asked for a sequel to, including the … Read More “Playing with Dolls: Bloodlust (2016): A Slasher So Bland Even the Killer Looks Bored” »
Boy Meets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Boy Locks Girl in a Cage Every once in a while, a movie comes along that reminds you how deeply unsettling—and weirdly entertaining—human obsession can be. Pet (2016), directed by Carles Torrens and written by Jeremy Slater, is that movie. It’s a psychological thriller with teeth—sharp, bloody, and smiling … Read More “Pet (2016): Love Hurts, Especially When You’re in a Cage” »