So, you’ve decided to watch 465. Congratulations, you’ve officially opened the door to cinematic purgatory. It’s a film that promises to be a thrilling mystery about ghosts, mental illness, and familial conspiracy, but instead delivers a muddled mess of half-baked ideas and poorly executed plot twists that will leave you questioning not just the film, … Read More “465 (2017): A Horror Film That Should Have Stayed In The Editing Room” »
Introduction: It’s a Shark. With Five Heads. Because Why Not? 5-Headed Shark Attack. No, that’s not a typo. It’s the five-headed shark — not four, not three, not just a regular, run-of-the-mill “two-headed” shark. This is a five-headed monster, and it’s coming to eat you. It’s like the Asylum’s Sharknadoseries had an even dumber cousin … Read More “5-Headed Shark Attack: The Sharknado of Marine Biology” »
Welcome to Ibiza… Just Don’t Eat the Tapas Ah, Zombie Spring Breakers. What a delightful little romp through paradise gone horribly, hilariously wrong. Directed by Andy Edwards, this isn’t your run-of-the-mill zombie film — this is a zombie film that knows exactly what it is: a raunchy, blood-soaked, party-animal extravaganza where the only thing more … Read More “Zombie Spring Breakers (2016): A Sun, Sand, and Brains Holiday” »
Welcome to Holland, Please Die Horribly If you’ve ever looked at a windmill and thought, “That thing looks like it could kill someone,” then congratulations — The Windmill Massacre is your new favorite travel guide. Directed by Nick Jongerius, this 2016 slasher is what happens when you combine the cozy charm of a European sightseeing … Read More “The Windmill Massacre (2016): A Bloody Good Time in the Dutch Countryside” »
A Love Letter from Hell (Literally) Buying your first house is supposed to be exciting. You dream of cozy dinners, quiet nights, and an occasional HOA complaint. But in The Watcher (2016), directed by Ryan Rothmaier, new homeowners Emma and Noah discover that real estate in Los Angeles comes with more than just property taxes—it … Read More “The Watcher (2016): Home Is Where the Horror Mail Is” »
Welcome to Heaven’s Veil—Population: Unalive There are few things in cinema more comforting than a good old-fashioned cult massacre. And The Veil (2016), directed by Phil Joanou and produced by the ever-reliable horror factory Blumhouse, gives us exactly that—along with Jessica Alba, a haunted VHS tape, and Thomas Jane doing his best impression of a … Read More “The Veil (2016): A Cult Classic About Cults That Accidentally Works” »
When the Undead Should’ve Stayed Dead There’s a special kind of irony in a movie about vampires that feels utterly lifeless. Underworld: Blood Wars — the fifth entry in a series that should’ve been staked after Evolution — is proof that even the immortal can suffer from creative decay. Directed by Anna Foerster and written … Read More “Underworld: Blood Wars (2016): The Franchise That Forgot How to Die” »
When Puberty Meets Predation The Transfiguration (2016) is the kind of vampire movie that creeps up on you, sucks your blood, and then asks if you’d like to discuss the emotional consequences of trauma over a bowl of ramen. Written and directed by Michael O’Shea, this slow-burn horror-drama is part art film, part existential therapy … Read More “The Transfiguration (2016): A Coming-of-Age Tale with Fangs, Feelings, and Ferocity” »
The Future Is Bleak — Especially If You Watch This Movie If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Final Destination and Limitless had a child raised on expired energy drinks and bad Wi-Fi, look no further than Tell Me How I Die (2016). Directed by D.J. Viola — a name that sounds like someone … Read More “Tell Me How I Die (2016): A Movie That Tells You Exactly When You’ll Regret Watching It” »
Till Death (and Possibly a Succubus) Do Us Part The moral of SiREN is simple: if a sketchy man invites you to a mysterious underground sex club in the middle of nowhere, don’t go. Unless, of course, you’re looking for the kind of bachelor party where the stripper is a demonic sex deity with wings … Read More “SiREN (2016): Love, Lust, and Literal Man-Eating — A Bachelor Party to Die For” »