There are bad Christmas movies, and then there’s Elves. It’s not just a bad Christmas horror movie—it’s a sleigh ride straight into the ninth circle of cinematic coal, a film so nonsensical that even Santa would refuse to deliver it for fear of being blacklisted from the North Pole union.
Yes, this is the one with Dan Haggerty as a drunken department store Santa, Nazis plotting to breed a new race of elf-human hybrids, incestual Aryan bloodlines, and one rubber elf puppet that looks like it was stolen from the clearance bin of a haunted Chuck E. Cheese. You’d think all of this would make for a fun “so bad it’s good” experience. Instead, it feels like you’ve been trapped in a snow globe filled with asbestos and existential despair.
Blood Rituals and the World’s Saddest Elf
The film kicks off with three teenage girls in the woods holding an “Anti-Christmas” pagan ritual, because nothing says rebellion like chanting angrily in sweaters from JCPenney. Kirsten, our reluctant heroine, slices her hand open and bleeds on the ground, accidentally summoning the ancient demonic elf. Cue dramatic music—actually, scratch that, cue stock keyboard sounds from someone’s uncle’s garage band.
And then…the elf. Dear God, the elf. Imagine a melted Gremlins knockoff crossed with a deflated balloon animal, and you’re halfway there. This is our big threat: a foam-rubber goblin that can’t move its arms, can’t run, and can barely blink. The scariest thing about it is that it somehow got top billing over the human actors.
Nazi Science Fair Project
Here’s where the plot takes a nosedive straight into lunacy. Forget Aryan super soldiers. Forget Frankenstein’s army. No, Hitler’s dream was half-human/half-elf hybrids. Imagine the Führer delivering that speech at a rally:
“Today we march! Tomorrow we conquer! And next week, Hans, get me an elf with working plumbing.”
Somewhere between Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Muppet Christmas Carol, this script took a wrong turn into a Walgreens dumpster. The Nazis in this film don’t just want Kirsten because she’s blonde—they want her because she’s the last Aryan virgin on earth. Also, her grandpa is her dad, because apparently incest is the magic glue that holds their plan together. Yes, the movie explains this in grim detail, and no, therapy cannot undo the damage.
Enter Santa, Stage Left (with Whiskey)
Then there’s Dan Haggerty. Poor, poor Dan Haggerty. Once known as Grizzly Adams, now reduced to playing Mike McGavin, an alcoholic ex-cop who lives off snack bar leftovers in a mall storage room. He stumbles into the film with a beard that looks like it’s trying to escape his face, and immediately gets hired as the department store Santa after the last guy is murdered by the elf.
Mike spends the rest of the movie chain-smoking, sipping coffee like it’s bourbon, and looking perpetually confused, which, to be fair, is the only logical reaction to a script where Nazis are trying to orchestrate interspecies breeding through Christmas decorations. He delivers his lines like he just woke up from a nap, which makes sense because rumor has it he was literally napping between takes.
The Slaughter in Aisle 5
Most of the action takes place in the department store, which is clearly just a single empty room decorated with leftover Christmas props from a bankrupt Kmart. Kirsten’s friends sneak in for an all-night party, only to get slaughtered by the elf and Nazi goons. One gets stabbed, another gets groped by the puppet’s limp hand, and none of them seem particularly surprised. It’s like they knew they were in a Troma-adjacent mess and just gave up.
Meanwhile, Haggerty lurks around muttering things like, “This ain’t right,” as if the audience needed reassurance that yes, this really is happening.
Family Secrets: Grandpa’s a Nazi (and Worse)
Halfway through the movie, Kirsten’s family drama takes center stage. Her mother is a shrieking banshee who drowns the family cat in a toilet for no reason other than to give the elf competition for “Most Evil Character.” Grandpa, played by a man who looks like he should be running a pawn shop, turns out to be both an ex-Nazi scientist and Kirsten’s dad.
The reveal is delivered in the kind of hushed tones usually reserved for telling someone they have spinach in their teeth. Grandpa explains that, yes, inbreeding was essential to keeping the bloodline pure. Kirsten reacts with mild irritation, the same way a teenager might react to being told their curfew is midnight.
Research at the Speed of Plot
To piece it all together, Mike and Kirsten spend Christmas Eve at the library, rifling through dusty tomes about Nazi elf lore. This scene lasts approximately twelve years. Later, they break into a professor’s house to demand answers, because apparently scholarly research is best conducted at gunpoint.
The professor delivers pages of exposition about Hitler’s elf fetish, as if this is information he gives out freely to anyone who wanders into his home on December 24th. Honestly, the guy looks relieved someone finally asked.
Climax in the Woods: The Elfstone Prophecy
The big showdown happens in the woods, because all bad horror movies eventually return to the woods. Kirsten clutches an “elfstone” (basically a shiny rock from Grandpa’s desk), while Nazis shout orders like they’re in a Monty Python sketch. The elf, waddling stiffly in place, tries to menace her. Grandpa sacrifices himself, Mike waves a gun around, and Kirsten completes the ritual, killing the elf in a blast of low-budget pyrotechnics.
But wait! The final shot shows a fetus, suggesting Kirsten may already be pregnant with the elf’s love child. Roll credits. Merry Christmas. Try explaining that to your relatives over eggnog.
The Horror of Watching Elves
So, is Elves scary? Only if you’re terrified of bad lighting, inconsistent sound, and plot twists written by people who clearly lost a bet. The elf never looks threatening, the Nazis seem like they escaped from a community theater production of The Sound of Music, and Dan Haggerty spends most of the movie looking like he’s about to ask the cameraman for spare change.
What makes it worse is how joyless it is. This isn’t gleefully campy—it’s just a sad, beige trudge through ideas that sound insane on paper but play out like Ambien in motion picture form.
Dark Humor Takeaways
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Hitler’s master plan wasn’t tanks or rockets—it was elf-human hybrids. That explains why Germany lost.
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Dan Haggerty’s performance is proof that whiskey can’t fix everything.
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The elf puppet has less articulation than a bag of frozen turkeys.
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Family drama tip: if Grandpa is your dad, maybe just skip Christmas this year.
Final Verdict
Elves is the cinematic equivalent of finding a moldy fruitcake in your stocking. It’s lumpy, unpleasant, and vaguely offensive. At 89 minutes, it still feels three hours too long. The VHS box promises Nazi elves, but what you really get is a rubber puppet that looks like it’s waiting for unemployment benefits and Dan Haggerty mumbling about coffee filters.
If you must watch it, do so with friends, alcohol, and possibly a licensed therapist. Otherwise, heed the title’s warning: beware Elves.
