There are bad sequels. There are shameless cash grabs. And then there’s Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, a film that looked at the words “Final Chapter” in the previous installment’s title and said, “Final… until we need more beer money.” What results is not so much a horror film as it is an accidental comedy, drenched in cocaine sweat and bad decision-making, with the consistency of a truck stop milkshake.
The Big “Twist” That Nobody Asked For
Let’s get right to it: Jason Voorhees isn’t in this movie. Not really. Oh, sure, some dude in a hockey mask is swinging machetes and axes at horny teenagers, but instead of the real Jason, it’s Roy the Paramedic, avenging the death of his illegitimate son Joey—the kid who loves chocolate bars and social awkwardness, axed in the film’s opening act by a fellow patient. It’s the Scooby-Doo school of horror plotting: pull off the mask, and suddenly the unstoppable killing machine is revealed to be a disgruntled EMT with too much time on his hands. One can almost hear him saying, “I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids.”
This “new beginning” was supposed to set up a Jason-free trilogy. Fans revolted, box office slumped, and Jason was resurrected the next year because Paramount realized nobody was paying for “Roy’s Excellent Adventure.”
Tommy Jarvis: Now with 400% More Sulking
John Shepherd plays an adult Tommy Jarvis, last seen as Corey Feldman gleefully machete-ing Jason into ground beef. Shepherd’s Tommy spends most of this film sulking, twitching, and glaring at people like he just ate a bad gas station burrito. He barely speaks. He doesn’t drive the plot. Instead, he just drifts in and out like an under-medicated extra. For a protagonist, he has all the narrative presence of a wet towel.
At one point, he gets in a fistfight with Ethel’s mentally challenged son Junior, then runs off into the woods like a spooked deer. Later, when the final showdown comes, Tommy shows up, passes out, wakes up, and eventually kills Roy with the enthusiasm of someone forced to clean gutters on a Sunday.
Welcome to Pinehurst: Halfway House of Carnage
Most of the movie takes place at the Pinehurst Halfway House, which might be the least therapeutic environment in psychiatric history. It’s basically “The Real World: Crystal Lake,” stocked with the most aggressively annoying collection of stereotypes money could buy in 1984. There’s Violet the goth breakdancer, Jake the stuttering nerd, Robin the “serious one,” and Eddie and Tina, whose primary function is to have sex in the woods until they’re impaled.
And then there’s Joey—the compulsive eater whose idea of friendship is smearing chocolate all over his hands and offering to help with laundry. He’s so irritating the film literally kills him with an axe in the first 20 minutes. It’s supposed to be tragic. Instead, it feels like the movie itself couldn’t stand him either.
The Kill Count: Quantity Over Quality
One thing A New Beginning does have going for it is body count. Nearly 20 people bite the dust here, which would be impressive if the kills weren’t edited into incoherence by the MPAA. You can almost hear the director shouting, “Quick! Cut away before we see anything fun!”
Instead, we’re left with tepid stabbings, a decapitation that looks like it was done with Silly Putty, and the infamous outhouse serenade, where a character named Demon croons about enchiladas before meeting his death. When bowel movements are scarier than your killer, you’ve lost the plot.
The Real Horror: The Dialogue
The dialogue in this film is so bad it deserves its own slasher franchise. Characters spew lines like “Eat your fing slop, you fing pigs!” (thank you, Ethel) and “Damn enchiladas!” (thank you, Demon’s digestive system). It’s a parade of swear words, non sequiturs, and dialogue so wooden it could double as kindling.
Even Jason—or Roy, technically—doesn’t want to stick around to hear it. He kills characters mid-sentence, which might be the most merciful thing about this film.
Behind the Scenes: Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug
By most accounts, the production was a circus. Director Danny Steinmann, who also gave us Savage Streets (the Linda Blair exploitation flick with a crossbow), wasn’t exactly Stanley Kubrick. Cast and crew later admitted the set was a haze of cocaine, quickies, and poor judgment. It shows. The film feels like it was shot by people who weren’t entirely sure whether they were making horror, softcore porn, or an after-school special gone horribly wrong.
Reggie the Reckless: The Accidental Hero
If there’s one bright spot, it’s Shavar Ross as Reggie the Reckless. He’s a kid, he screams a lot, and he spends the climax driving a tractor into Roy. Somehow, he ends up being more proactive and heroic than Tommy Jarvis, the supposed lead. In fact, if Paramount had had any guts, they’d have spun off a series with Reggie fighting supernatural killers. He’s the only one in this film who looks like he actually cares about survival.
Final Thoughts: A New Low
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning is a sequel that forgot why people liked these movies in the first place. Fans wanted Jason Voorhees, inventive kills, and maybe a little suspense. Instead, they got Roy the Paramedic, censored death scenes, and more cocaine sweat than Studio 54.
Is it entertaining? In a “so bad it’s good” way, sure. It’s a time capsule of 1980s excess, complete with neon clothes, gratuitous nudity, and dialogue that should’ve been arrested for crimes against language. But as a horror film? It’s about as scary as a haunted salad bar.
