The Hills Have Manners Horror has given us all kinds of families — the murderous, the deranged, the “bring-your-own-skin-mask” types — but few manage to make cannibalism look this polite. Jim Mickle’s We Are What We Are (2013) takes the most primal of horrors and dresses it up in lace and scripture. It’s a film … Read More “We Are What We Are (2013): Cannibalism, Family Values, and Fine Dining in the Catskills” »
Welcome to Dante Tomaselli’s Delightfully Deranged Playground Horror, like religion, works best when it’s sincere, weird, and just a little bit blasphemous. Dante Tomaselli’s Torture Chamber (2013) is all three — a feverish, low-budget nightmare that feels like a sermon preached by a madman with a fog machine. If you’re the kind of horror fan … Read More “Torture Chamber (2013): Sunday School from Hell, and I Mean That as a Compliment” »
The Chainsaw Is Back — Unfortunately, So Is the Franchise Some films get sequels because they’re beloved. Others get sequels because the studio still has the rights and a fog machine. Texas Chainsaw 3D — or, as it appears onscreen, simply Texas Chainsaw (because numbers are scary, apparently) — is the seventh installment in a … Read More “Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013): A Chainsaw Massacre Without Teeth (or Logic)” »
When Horror Anthologies Should Just Stay Buried Sequels are tricky. Horror anthologies are trickier. Tales from the Dark 2 somehow manages to fail at both. Directed by three people (Gordon Chan, Lawrence Ah Mon, and Teddy Robin) — which is three too many — this 2013 Hong Kong horror follow-up to Tales from the Dark … Read More “Tales from the Dark 2 (2013): Three Ghost Stories, Zero Pulse” »
When Porn Meets Paranormal and Everyone Loses There are bad found-footage movies, and then there’s Sx_Tape — a film so confused about what it wants to be that it should come with a psychiatric evaluation. Directed by Bernard Rose (yes, the Candyman guy, who should’ve known better), this 2013 disaster attempts to mix eroticism, possession, … Read More “Sx_Tape (2013): Found Footage, Lost Dignity” »
In Space, No One Can Hear You Yawn There’s a special kind of irony in a movie called Stranded that manages to leave not only its characters but its audience utterly abandoned. Roger Christian’s Stranded (2013) promises a claustrophobic lunar survival thriller starring Christian Slater, but what it delivers is a lifeless, low-budget imitation of … Read More “Stranded (2013): Houston, We Have a Dumpster Fire” »
Where Possession Meets Family Therapy If you’ve ever watched a horror movie and thought, “This could use more existential dread and fewer jump scares,” Soulis your jam—preferably a jam made from hallucinogenic forest mushrooms. Directed by Chung Mong-hong, this Taiwanese psychological horror film proves that ghosts aren’t half as terrifying as filial obligation, mental illness, … Read More “Soul (2013): A Haunting Masterpiece of Madness, Murder, and Mountain Mushrooms” »
Welcome to the Desert of Disappointment There are bad found footage movies, and then there’s Skinwalker Ranch—a cinematic desert where creativity goes to die and shaky cam reigns supreme. Directed by Devin McGinn (who also had the audacity to star in it) and Steve Berg, this 2013 pseudo-documentary tries to mix UFOs, Native American curses, … Read More “Skinwalker Ranch (2013): Found Footage Found Dead on Arriv” »
Welcome to the Sewer of Dreams Let’s get this out of the way: Septic Man is disgusting. It’s grimy, it’s grotesque, it’s oozing with more bodily fluids than a frat house after homecoming weekend. But—and here’s the shocking part—it’s also oddly brilliant. This 2013 Canadian horror gem, directed by Jesse Thomas Cook and written by … Read More “Septic Man (2013): A Filthy Little Masterpiece of Mutant Mayhem” »
Love Hurts (and So Does This Movie) Some movies are so bad they become unintentionally funny. Others are so bad they make you question your life choices. Scorned manages the rare feat of being both. Directed by Leprechaun creator Mark Jones (yes, really), this 2013 psychological “thriller” stars AnnaLynne McCord as a woman whose idea … Read More “Scorned (2013): A Thriller So Dumb It Should Sue Itself for Defamation” »