The Cornfield That Time — and Logic — Forgot There are bad horror movies, and then there are Syfy original horror movies. Scarecrow (2013) proudly belongs to the latter category — that magical cinematic subgenre where continuity, acting, and common sense are treated like optional DLC. Directed by Sheldon Wilson and starring Lacey Chabert (Mean … Read More “Scarecrow (2013): Where Brains Go to Die Faster Than Teenagers in a Cornfield” »
When Meta Goes Mad (and Somehow Works) In a cinematic world drowning in remakes, reboots, and unnecessary sequels, Sadik 2 does something so bold it loops back around to genius: it skips the original movie entirely. Director Robin Entreinger looked at the linear concept of storytelling and said, “Non.” Why make Sadik when you can … Read More “Sadik 2 (2013): The Sequel to a Movie That Doesn’t Exist—and That’s Half the Fun” »
The Undead Have Never Looked So Emotionally Exhausted Just when you thought the zombie genre had eaten every last scrap of originality, along shuffles The Returned — not to gnaw on your brain, but to politely ask if you’ve had your daily dose of life-saving serum. This 2013 Spanish-Canadian thriller, directed by Manuel Carballo and … Read More “The Returned (2013): The Thinking Person’s Zombie Movie (and Yes, It Has Feelings)” »
Welcome to the Cage of Disappointment Every now and then, a film comes along with a premise so brutally simple you can’t help but think, Okay, this might actually work. Raze is one of those movies. Women forced to fight to the death for the amusement of rich sociopaths? Sure. Zoë Bell, the stuntwoman-turned-badass from … Read More “Raze (2013): A Knockout Concept That Punches Itself in the Face” »
The Undead Main Event Nobody Asked For There are bad movies. There are so-bad-they’re-good movies. And then there’s Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies, a cinematic pile-driver to the brain that lands somewhere between brain-dead and brainless — depending on which half of the movie you’re watching. Directed, written, and apparently exorcised onto film by Cody Knotts, … Read More “Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies (2013): When the Undead Tap Out Before the Audience Does” »
The Agoraphobic, the Dead Wife, and the Audience Who Can’t Escape Let’s begin with the only true terror in Phobia: the realization that you, dear viewer, cannot leave your couch until this thing is over. Rory Douglas Abel’s Phobia (or Alone, if you want to sound like you’re defending an art film instead of something … Read More “Phobia (2013): When the Real Horror Is the Movie Itself” »
The Ghost of a Franchise Past There’s a special kind of cinematic tragedy reserved for franchises that refuse to die — not because audiences beg for more, but because someone, somewhere, has a forgotten tax write-off they need to justify. Outpost: Rise of the Spetsnaz is precisely that kind of undead creature: a film that … Read More “Outpost: Rise of the Spetsnaz – When the Dead Should’ve Stayed Buried (and So Should the Script)” »
Franco’s Die Marquise von Sade is one of those half-drunk movies that can’t decide if it wants to be porn or poetry. It stumbles somewhere between the gutter and the gallery — too soft to offend, too artsy to arouse. You sit there watching it and think, Christ, either take your clothes off or say … Read More “Die Marquise von Sade (1976) – Watching Franco Through a Hangover” »
When people talk about Hitchcock, they talk like he was God with a camera — the fat man of fear, the “Master of Suspense,” the priest of the perfectly timed scream. They go on about the angles, the shadows, the genius of it all. But they never talk about the smell of the room when … Read More “Alfred Hitchcock’s Legacy and the Abusive Dynamics Toward His Female Actors” »
Wake Up, You’re Already Dead (Inside) Some movies begin with a bang. Open Grave begins with a man waking up in a pit full of corpses — which, fittingly, is also what it feels like to watch Open Grave. Directed by Gonzalo López-Gallego (whose career peaked when he directed something that wasn’t this), the film … Read More “Open Grave (2013): A Post-Apocalyptic Hangover Nobody Asked For” »
