There are crimes against literature, and then there are Masque of the Red Death (1989), which makes you wonder if Edgar Allan Poe ever considered rising from the grave just to file a restraining order. Produced by Roger Corman (because apparently, he couldn’t resist the urge to remake his own film, but worse) and directed … Read More “Masque of the Red Death (1989): Poe-Spiracy Against Cinema” »
There are bad movies. There are so-bad-they’re-good movies. And then there’s Las Vegas Bloodbath, which is not so much a film as it is a crime scene committed against celluloid. Directed, written, produced, and probably catered by David M. Schwartz, this 78-minute VHS atrocity makes you wonder if Las Vegas should’ve banned not just gambling, … Read More “Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989): Viva Las No-Logic” »
If you’ve ever stayed up too late reading a trashy paperback and thought, “Gee, wouldn’t it be cool if the villain jumped off the page and tried to kill me?”—first of all, seek therapy. Second, congratulations, you’ve just described I, Madman, a film that manages to turn pulp horror into actual pulp cinema. Released in … Read More “I, Madman (1989): When Paperbacks Attack” »
Edgar Allan Poe probably rolled in his grave so violently after seeing this 1989 adaptation of The Fall of the House of Usher that he tunneled straight into another cemetery. On paper, this film had potential: you’ve got gothic source material, Oliver Reed drunkenly wandering through sets, Donald Pleasence cashing a paycheck, and an old … Read More “The House of Usher (1989): A Poe-thetic Misfire” »
There are bad slashers. There are so-bad-they’re-good slashers. And then there’s Hanging Heart, a film that seems to have been cobbled together from a rejected episode of Law & Order: SVU, a dollar-bin soap opera, and an after-school special about Stranger Danger. It’s not scary, it’s not sexy, and it’s not even unintentionally funny in … Read More “Hanging Heart (1989): The Courtroom Drama Nobody Asked For” »
Let’s be honest: by the time the Halloween franchise hit its fifth entry, Michael Myers was less “The Shape” and more “The Franchise’s Payroll Department.” He’d been shot, burned, stabbed, blown up, dropped down a mineshaft, and yet here he was in 1989, still putting on his William Shatner mask like it was Casual Friday. … Read More “Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers – The One Where Michael Gets Weepy” »
If David Cronenberg’s The Fly was a sleek, grotesque, and tragic meditation on love, science, and the body’s inevitable betrayal, then The Fly II is the VHS you rent by mistake because the clerk at Blockbuster swore it was “kind of the same thing, but with more slime.” Spoiler: it’s not. It’s what happens when … Read More “The Fly II (1989): Son of Fly Harder” »
There are bad Christmas movies, and then there’s Elves. It’s not just a bad Christmas horror movie—it’s a sleigh ride straight into the ninth circle of cinematic coal, a film so nonsensical that even Santa would refuse to deliver it for fear of being blacklisted from the North Pole union. Yes, this is the one … Read More “Elves (1989): Santa Claus Conquers the Nazis, and Loses” »
A Blood Pact Nobody Asked For Let’s start with the opening scene, the only part of the movie actually directed by Raffaele Donato before he threw in the towel and said, “Nope, directing isn’t for me.” Honestly, I can’t blame him. If my big cinematic debut was four boys pricking their fingers on a beach … Read More “Deep Blood (1989): The Shark That Ate My Will to Live” »
A Title That Lies First off, let’s get this out of the way: there are not, in fact, “dead dudes in the house.” At least not in the way the title promises. What we do get is a bunch of amateur actors in acid-wash jeans running around a decrepit house while an elderly woman in … Read More “Dead Dudes in the House (1989): Troma’s Remodeling Disaster” »