Few movies have the audacity to combine Tobe Hooper, Dan O’Bannon, space vampires, and Mathilda May walking around London completely nude while Patrick Stewart channels his inner demonic puppet. Lifeforce is one of those rare cinematic accidents that feels like it was made by throwing Alien, Quatermass and the Pit, and a Cinemax After Darkfeature … Read More “Lifeforce (1985)” »
Some films are so incoherent they make you question your own sanity. Horror House on Highway 5 isn’t just one of those—it’s the cinematic equivalent of being mugged by a fever dream while Richard Nixon cackles in the background. Written and directed by Richard Casey, who apparently pieced this together over several years in between … Read More “Horror House on Highway 5 (1985)” »
There are bad sequels. There are shameless cash grabs. And then there’s Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, a film that looked at the words “Final Chapter” in the previous installment’s title and said, “Final… until we need more beer money.” What results is not so much a horror film as it is … Read More “Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)” »
Sometimes you watch a film and think: This could’ve been the next Alien. And sometimes you watch Creature and think: This could’ve been the next episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. But here’s the kicker—it almost works, not because of the creature, not because of Klaus Kinski (who looks like he’s plotting to strangle the … Read More “Creature (1985)” »
Ah, Cat’s Eye. Only Stephen King could string together a patchwork of paranoia, black humor, and supernatural nonsense with the binding thread of… a stray cat. Yes, a tabby who strolls through urban nightmares like it’s his second job. Forget Cujo, forget Pennywise—this orange fuzzball is the true King monster. He doesn’t kill anyone, but … Read More “Cat’s Eye (1985)” »
Some horror movies are like fine wine: they age gracefully, developing layers of depth and flavor. Attack of the Beast Creatures is more like a jug of milk left in the sun—curdled, foul-smelling, but strangely fascinating to poke with a stick. Directed by Michael Stanley in his sole attempt at cinematic immortality, this “film” is … Read More “Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)” »
There are bad movies, there are “so bad they’re good” movies, and then there’s Zombie Island Massacre—a cinematic hangover that feels like it was filmed entirely on a dare, funded by spare change, and directed by someone whose only previous experience was cutting together car commercials and half-remembered episodes of Love Boat. This 1984 “horror” … Read More “Zombie Island Massacre (1984)” »
There are many films in which Pierce Brosnan broods, smolders, and struggles with an accent. Nomads is the only one where he does all three while being stalked by Adam Ant and Mary Woronov dressed like extras from a “post-apocalyptic leather daddy” fashion show. Directed by John McTiernan before he redeemed himself with Predator and … Read More “Nomads: Pierce Brosnan vs. The Punk Rock Casper” »
There are horror films that bludgeon you with gore, some that creep up with quiet menace, and then there’s Shadow Play—a supernatural drama where grief itself becomes the monster. Directed by Susan Shadburne and anchored by a powerhouse performance from Dee Wallace (yes, the mom from E.T. who can apparently do trauma in her sleep), … Read More “Shadow Play (1986): A Lighthouse, a Playwright, and Enough Ghosts to Fill a Writers’ Workshop” »
By 1986, slasher films were like Reagan speeches—formulaic, repetitive, and occasionally terrifying, though mostly for the wrong reasons. But then Psycho III crept out of the shower like a knife-wielding reminder that Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho still cast a long, bloody shadow over the genre. Yes, Norman Bates is back. Yes, he’s still running the motel. … Read More “Psycho III: Norman Bates’ Midlife Crisis, Now with Extra Stabbings” »