Every horror fan has a blind spot. Maybe you once defended Jason Takes Manhattan because at least he punched a guy’s head off. Or maybe you tried to argue that Leprechaun in the Hood had “social commentary.” But if you ever find yourself trying to justify Mutant, let me assure you—you’re wrong. This movie sucks … Read More “Mutant (1984): The Toxic Waste of Time” »
There are bad movies, and then there are good bad movies. And then, every once in a while, you stumble onto something like Impulse (1984), a paranoid little gem that sits somewhere between Cold War eco-thriller, body-horror nightmare, and accidental public service announcement about why you should never drink milk. Ever. Directed by Graham Baker, … Read More “Impulse (1984): When Toxic Milk Turns Meg Tilly Into the Last Sane Woman in America” »
The 1980s gave us some glorious cinematic mash-ups: Alien gave us space horror, The Terminator gave us techno-noir, and Dreamscape gave us… indigestion. On paper, this sci-fi horror-thriller about psychics entering dreams sounds like a fascinating exploration of the subconscious. In practice, it’s Dennis Quaid in a Members Only jacket dry-humping Kate Capshaw in her … Read More “Dreamscape (1984): Psychic Shenanigans in Polyester Hell” »
Every decade coughs up a movie that critics pretend is “deep” so they don’t have to admit they were bored stiff. In the 1980s, that film was The Company of Wolves—Neil Jordan’s Gothic fantasy horror about werewolves, womanhood, and eyebrows that meet in the middle. It’s part art film, part horror, and mostly a lecture … Read More “The Company of Wolves (1984): A Fairy Tale That Should’ve Stayed in the Woods” »
Some movies are forgotten because they’re overlooked. Others are forgotten because they’re bad. And then there’s Blind Date (also marketed with the much spicier, much less accurate title Deadly Seduction), which is forgotten because time itself rejected it, like an organ transplant gone wrong. Directed by Nico Mastorakis, the legendary B-movie auteur who never met … Read More “Blind Date (1984): When Cinema Went Blind Too” »
Science fiction horror can be unsettling, cerebral, and imaginative. Xtro is… well, it’s a 1983 British science fiction horror film, and that’s about the kindest thing anyone has ever said about it. Directed by Harry Bromley Davenport, Xtro is the cinematic equivalent of an alien abduction itself—you black out, endure something traumatic, and afterward you’re … Read More “Xtro (1983): The Alien Abduction Nobody Asked For” »
There are bad horror movies. There are so-bad-they’re-good horror movies. And then there’s Sledgehammer—a cinematic endurance test that makes you reconsider not just slasher films, but your entire life choices leading up to pressing “play.” Directed by David A. Prior, this 1983 relic was one of the first shot-on-video horror films. And boy, does it … Read More “Sledgehammer (1983): When a Home Video Camera Should Have Stayed in the Box” »
Every slasher movie promises two things: blood and bad decisions. The Prey delivers the latter in abundance but makes you wait over an hour for even a hint of the former. By then, you’ve lost the will to live and started rooting for the disfigured killer to put you out of your misery. Directed by … Read More “The Prey (1983): When Even the Forest Falls Asleep” »
There are bad movies, and then there are movies so catastrophically inept that you wonder if their very existence is some kind of dare. Ogroff (Mad Mutilator), a 1983 French slasher filmed on Super 8 by Norbert Moutier—a video store owner who apparently thought, “Hey, how hard can this be?”—falls squarely into the latter. This … Read More “Ogroff (Mad Mutilator) (1983): When Bad Horror Films Go Out Into the Woods and Die” »
There’s bad horror, and then there’s Mausoleum. The kind of bad where you don’t check your watch because you’re bored—you check it because you’re wondering if time itself has been possessed by the same demon that ate this script. Michael Dugan’s Mausoleum is a 1983 supernatural cheapie that promises gothic chills, family curses, and demonic … Read More “Mausoleum (1983): A Demon Possession So Bad It’s Possessed By Its Own Badness” »