The Dystopian Future Nobody Ordered
If Parasite is the future, I’ll take my chances with the atomic disaster, thanks. Charles Band’s early 3-D “epic” (read: someone found a fog machine and some rubber tubing) imagines a post-apocalyptic America run by “The Merchants,” a criminal organization so vague they make Cobra Commander look like an IRS auditor. Their plan for world domination? Breed a mutant worm that looks like it escaped from a Fraggle Rock outtake, then accidentally let it loose. You know, classic totalitarian tactics.
Dr. Paul Dean: The World’s Least Convincing Fugitive Scientist
Our hero, Dr. Paul Dean, is on the run with a parasite living inside him—which sounds exciting until you realize most of the film is him wandering through dusty small-town streets like he’s lost his Uber. He’s being chased by “Wolf,” the Merchant enforcer, who dresses like he raided a Mad Max garage sale but somehow still manages to be boring.
The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight (or Act)
Enter a desert gang of hooligans, led by Ricus, who looks like Conan the Barbarian if Conan got a perm and joined a community theater troupe. They steal a silver canister containing the other parasite, and—shock of shocks—it escapes. This results in the best “special effect” in the film: a slimy, rubber worm that’s supposed to be terrifying but actually resembles a prop you’d win at a carnival ring toss.
Demi Moore’s Lemon-Scented Debut
Yes, Demi Moore is here, and yes, she’s adorable, but her big role in humanity’s survival is… being a lemon farmer. Seriously. Forget flamethrowers or pulse rifles—apparently the best weapon against flesh-eating mutants is citrus. Moore spends most of her screen time either staring earnestly at Paul or awkwardly dodging 3-D shots of objects being poked at the camera.
When the 3-D is the Real Villain
Speaking of which—good lord, the 3-D. If you’ve ever wanted to watch a man slowly reach toward you with a wrench for 45 seconds, this is your Citizen Kane. Band clearly believed that shoving kitchen utensils into the audience’s face would distract from the fact that the parasite looks like a sausage casing filled with oatmeal.
The Grand Finale: Or, How to Blow Up Your Own Movie
By the climax, the parasite has grown to the size of a decent house cat, Wolf gets chomped, and Patricia helps kill Paul’s internal worm with electrocution. The survivors blow up the last parasite in a finale so anticlimactic, you half expect the credits to roll over an apologetic note from the producers.
Final Verdict
Parasite is less a film and more a cinematic garage sale—part post-apocalypse, part body horror, part rubber worm puppet show. It’s the kind of movie where the dystopian future looks suspiciously like the San Fernando Valley, and the monster looks suspiciously like a leftover from The Muppet Show.
