Small Soldiers (1998): Toy Soldiers With Red Alert, But No Strategy

Joe Dante—director of the mischievous Gremlins and satirical horror auteur—swished his camera into the late‑’90s with Small Soldiers, an idea so perfectly retro it could only have been conceived during a nostalgia flashback in a toy aisle: small toys, tiny guns, and explosive firepower meant for 4‑year‑olds. Because nothing says “family entertainment” like children ducking behind sofas from bullet‑firing action figures.

On paper, Small Soldiers is appealing: Toy Story meets Predator, with ethical questions about consumerism, the military–entertainment complex, and genetic programming… and then just says, “Nah, screw it, let’s just blow stuff up.” In action, it’s a half‑baked satire with enough subtext to amuse unfinished binders, and enough chaos to make you wish the movie would blow itself up first.

🧱 The Plot: Welcome to the Kids’ War Zone

The film follows young Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith), a toy‑obsessed teenager whose mother works at GM Toys. Their plant unwittingly produces a new line of action figures—Gorgonites, peaceful terra‑flora creatures, and Commando Elite, military hardware in tiny plastic form—with microchips coded with proprietary military AI. As predicted, the chips go berserk, tune into every Hollywood war movie, and escalate from “let’s review our creators” to “attack anything that breathes.”

Chaos ensues: a gopher dies from shotgun blast, bricks explode, houses collapse, and children sprint through chaos like they’re auditioning for The Running Man. The toy wars overwhelm suburban innocence faster than you can say “sharp plastic splinters.” Meanwhile, adults either call the police or ignore the screaming—clearly the world’s gone soft on toy warfare.

🤖 Toys With Delusions of War Crime

Commando Elite: led by Major Chip Hazard (voice: Tommy Lee Jones), these plastic psychopaths exhibit zero empathy, plenty of PTSD, and enough military clichés to make General Patton blush. Their mission: destroy the Gorgonites… and anyone left standing.
Gorgonites: sweet, wise, and verbose in a Cheech‑and‑Chong way, they are here to defend. Too bad their achievement is defeating world‑class dentition.

Conceptually, this should be a satire on militarized playthings and AI gone rogue. In practice? It’s a toy war movie with no Moral High Ground. Good guys and bad guys swap roles faster than a kiddie seesaw.

🎬 Dante’s Direction: Gremlins Lite

Dante tries hard. He peppers Small Soldiers with nods to his Gremlins days—panning toy bodies, silhouettes behind closets—but the tone is off. What Gremlins did with unapologetic anarchic horror, Small Soldiers soft‑balls with PG‑13. You get popcorn violence, not existential dread.

When toys massacre a neighborhood composting center or execute a broom‑driven coup, it’s impressive in effect, empty in purpose. This looks like cutting‑edge late‑’90s effects—fast, bright, and CGI‑enhanced. But the emotional wires don’t cross.

Imagine a Rambo remake where Rambo keeps stopping for Mickey Mouse ice cream—chaos, but not the sort you remember fondly.

😐 Characters: All Sidekick, No Stakes

Alan: Generic pro‑gamer teen. He’s curious, befriends the Gorgonites, and quietly regrets not launching Commando toys into a volcano in college.
Chip Hazard: Plastic villain with a Toyface. Jones’s voice brings gravitas, but his character is basically a cartoon soldier cliché that never lands.
Christina (Kirsten Dunst): Alan’s love interest. She’s smart, sassy, functional—but only shows up to lob a pizza or deliver predictable moral lectures. She’s an accessory to suburban meltdown.

Adults mostly exist to be comical distractions or walk into perilous rain of mini‑ammo.

🎭 Tone: Adult Themes in a Kid’s Crayon Box

This film aims for uproarious, winks‑at‑parents satire, and peak‑’90s CGI spectacle—but lands somewhere between slapstick and hazy corporate note‑taking. It suggests reflection on toys, violence, artificial intelligence… then distracts you with exploding shopping carts and toy helicopters raining bullets on the mail carrier.

The result? A tonal buffet so confused it forgets to ask for your napkin.

Remember The Incredibles or even Toy Story? They use humor to admire childhood and provoke thought. Small Soldiersjust wants to shoot plastic guns and outrun its premise.

🎯 Hits and Misfires

Hits:

Action‑packed set‑pieces: Toy truck crashes, airborne mortars, afro‑Gorgonites.
Tommy Lee Jones’s Deadpan: His chip‑slathered militarism is ironically the most fun part.
Child HS‑explosions: There’s something oddly fascinating about teen‑serious reaction to decimated lawn gnomes.

Misfires:

Dull protagonists: Alan, Christina, Gary, and David lack depth.
Unresolved themes: Military AI is a big deal in 1998—this film treats it like a fancy phrase on cereal.
Comedy that falls flat: A gag about Gorgonites hiding in a “Chunder Dome” fails to reach comedic escape velocity.

🧠 Final Thoughts: Small Satire, Small Heart

Small Soldiers had a dream: to be Gremlins for a new generation. Instead, it’s The Toy War: Half‑Baked Edition. It’s not actively terrible—but it’s not magical either. It toys with you—not in brainy ways, but in loud, boom‑boom plastic ways, leaving you a little numb and slightly regretful about toy budgets.

If you’re craving a moral fable (“Choose your side carefully, kid!”), you’ll come away empty‑handed. If you enjoy late‑’90s action‑toy CGI carnage, sure, this has its moments. But it also has weeks‑old Bloo® in the carpet where something bright should’ve been.

Final Rating: ★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5 mini grenades in a bathtub)
“Small Soldiers” offers suburban annihilation with an instruction manual titled “Why Did We Bother?”

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