Poché Pictures

Italian horror and exploitation directors from the 70s and 80s often approached filmmaking like a guy assembling IKEA furniture blindfolded while on mescaline. Enter The Wild Beasts, a 1984 animal-attack oddity directed by Franco E. Prosperi, a man best known for co-directing Mondo Cane, which should tell you everything you need to know: exploitative, unhinged, … Read More “The Wild Beasts (1984) Fluoridated Water, Rampaging Zoo Animals, and the Unfiltered Madness of Italian Cinema” »

You know a movie’s in trouble when the most memorable thing about it is Dolph Lundgren’s sidekick saying, “In case we get killed, I just wanted to tell you—you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen on a man.” That’s Showdown in Little Tokyoin a nutshell: 79 minutes of unintentional comedy, awkward dialogue, and martial … Read More “Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) East meets West… and then they both crash into a wall of clichés” »

By this point in the Snake Eater saga — and I use the word “saga” the way someone might describe a multi-part dental procedure — Lorenzo Lamas has fully transitioned from mulleted vigilante to walking hair product commercial. In Snake Eater III: His Law, he returns as Jack “Soldier” Kelly, a man with no respect … Read More “Snake Eater III: His Law (1992) His Law, Our Regret” »

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if someone watched Death Wish, drank a gallon of expired NyQuil, and then tried to remake it with the charisma of a damp sponge — Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster is your answer. This is the kind of sequel that doesn’t just fail to justify its own … Read More “Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster (1989) Lorenzo Lamas Strikes Again… Unfortunately” »

Let’s get one thing straight. When your action movie opens with Lorenzo Lamas in a sleeveless denim vest, riding a motorcycle through a swamp while synth music wails like a rejected Miami Vice demo track, you know you’re not in for high art. But even by the dubious standards of late-’80s direct-to-video schlock, Snake Eater … Read More “Snake Eater (1989) The Cobra Commander of Crap Cinema” »

There’s bad. There’s laughably bad. And then there’s The Glimmer Man — a film so misguided, so half-hearted, it should’ve come with an apology stapled to the DVD case. This is the kind of movie that makes you question everything: your taste, your time, your ability to sit still while Steven Seagal pretends he’s a … Read More “The Glimmer Man (1996) When the Only Thing That Glimmers Is the End Credits” »

Let’s not beat around the bush: Rage and Honor II is less a sequel and more a hostage situation — and the audience is the one duct-taped to the chair. Directed by Guy Norris, a man who clearly missed his calling as a crossing guard for the street outside a community theater, this follow-up to … Read More “Rage and Honor II: Hostile Takeover (1993) Martial Arts for the Mildly Curious and Chronically Sedated” »

Let’s start with a simple truth: nobody — and I mean nobody — asked for Street Knight. But the ’90s were a strange time, full of denim vests, floppy disks, and direct-to-video action movies starring washed-out former heartthrobs desperately trying to look like they could still kick someone’s ass without throwing out their back. Which … Read More “Street Knight (1993) When You Absolutely, Positively Need Your Action Star to Whisper Through an Entire Movie…” »