Some movies are so bad they become guilty pleasures. Others are so bad they’re just crimes against cinema. The Scorpion with Two Tails is firmly in the latter category—a muddled, dreary blend of supernatural mystery, archaeological mumbo-jumbo, and the kind of acting you’d expect from people waiting in line at the DMV. If it weren’t for the occasional decapitation and the unintentional comedy of 1980s Italian horror logic, you could mistake it for a particularly slow episode of In Search Of… where the narrator gave up halfway through.
The Premise That Excavates Its Own Grave
The plot—if you can call it that—centers on Joan (Elvire Audray), who speaks fluent Etruscan (because of course she does) and has premonitory nightmares of ancient sacrifices. Her archaeologist husband, Arthur (John Saxon, looking like he’s regretting signing the contract), is killed in the exact manner she dreamt about. From there, the movie promises a tale of cursed tombs and ancient evils. Instead, it delivers long stretches of people wandering around in beige clothing, mumbling about history, and staring at stone walls as if the walls might start doing something interesting.
John Saxon Deserves Hazard Pay
Saxon, a genre veteran, has survived A Nightmare on Elm Street, Enter the Dragon, and Battle Beyond the Stars, but here he looks trapped—probably because his character gets murdered early on, and yet he still appears in flashbacks as though the production just kept him on set to pad the runtime. His performance says, “I’ll read the lines, but don’t ask me to careabout them.”
A Mystery That’s More of a Siesta
There’s supposed to be suspense—Joan might be next on the killer’s list—but the tension evaporates faster than a wine spritzer in the Tuscan sun. Every scene is padded with lingering shots of Etruscan artifacts, probably because the filmmakers had access to a cool museum and decided to get their money’s worth. The problem is, staring at pottery shards and rusted daggers for minutes at a time doesn’t build fear—it builds the urge to check your watch.
The Supporting Cast: Who Are These People Again?
The movie throws in a slew of secondary characters—archaeologists, police, aristocrats, random creeps—but they all blend together in a haze of bad dubbing and beige trench coats. You get the sense the director knew each would be forgettable, so he gave them dramatic close-ups as if to scream, “Remember this face! It might be important later!”Spoiler: it’s not.
The Horror, Allegedly
The Etruscan sacrifice scenes could have been unsettling, but they’re so stiffly staged they feel like community theater with a fog machine. Victims die with the sort of mild inconvenience one might express after spilling coffee on a laptop—more irritated than terrified. When the violence does arrive, it’s abrupt, clumsy, and edited like the projectionist sneezed mid-reel.
The Pace of Archaeology, Without the Discovery
Sergio Martino has directed some tight, engaging giallo films (All the Colors of the Dark, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key), so it’s baffling that The Scorpion with Two Tails feels so lifeless. The biggest set piece is Joan slowly walking through tombs and reacting to… nothing. Then she does it again. And again. Watching it is like being trapped in a history class where the teacher keeps promising the “exciting part” is coming. It never comes.
Production Trivia: The Real Curse
The film began life as an eight-part TV series, then got hacked into a feature. That explains the disjointed pacing, the abrupt scene transitions, and the feeling that you’re missing crucial information—because you are. Whole subplots vanish midstream, and conversations cut off just as they’re getting to something relevant. By the end, you’re left with the cinematic equivalent of an unfinished jigsaw puzzle, with several pieces missing and the picture on the box in the wrong language.
The Title That Overpromises
The scorpion in the title? Not literal. Two tails? Don’t hold your breath. Whatever poetic or metaphorical meaning it’s supposed to have is buried deeper than any Etruscan tomb. The only real sting here is the 98 minutes you’ll never get back.
Final Verdict: The Scorpion with Two Tails is a slow, muddled mess where supernatural horror goes to die—in badly lit tombs and endless exposition. The only genuine mystery is how it got released at all. If you watch it, consider it an archaeological experiment: How long can you stare into the cinematic abyss before you start rooting for the ancient curse to take you too?
